Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambra
Sorry for this long thread, I haven't had access to internet lately and I have so much going on.. I need pocket riders for tomorrow 
I don't know if this might be triggering but I've put the icon, just in case.
I've started processing trauma recently and I'm feeling really bad. It's like a sudden storm. It's the very first time I try to process it and have no idea how long i will take but I feel really bad already, naked and ashamed. My ed worsened a bit. I want to talk about it but when I get the chance to do it I have no words as I feel really bad complaining to T and all the things I thought during the week just don't come out.
This was such a bad moment to work on it as I don't have time to do any thinking between sessions and sometimes I don't know why I'm at T's office even though I've needed it for a whole week. Last week's session didn't go well, I also realized T comes back just for me on friday night, reopens the office etc., I was a bit early and we arrived together. I felt guilty especially because that session didn't even go well and I though I had her come for nothing, she was tired and I was very confused (and had fever actually - but I didn't know it).
I wanted to cancel tomorrow's session because she asked me to move it up twice as she's obviously going somewhere nicer. I did my best moving everything twice because she's really a wonderful T and always there for me but I feel like seeing me will be the worst thing she has to do tomorrow. I told T there's no problem if she's struggling with her schedule and needs to skip but she said don't worry. I really hope the session goes well. I don't want to mention trauma tomorrow. I don't know what to do, maybe it's this thing I started processing but I feel less than a human and I'm suffering going there. I really like T but I hate her being my secrets' keeper now and I hate needing her and feel like quitting until I feel better on my own (I know, weird). Does anyone relate a bit to this mess, or am I going nuts? Should I quit therapy for a while, like one month..?
Sorry about this and thanks if you read it. |
I'm in your pocket. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I want you to know that the shame you feel is not unusual for trauma survivors, and I understand the "less than human feeling", also. However, what happened to us was less than human, and the shame belongs to the abusers. I decided long ago that the reason I was abused is because there was a goodness and innocence about me, and the abusers wanted to destroy that. Once I gave up shaming myself and feeling worthless because I had been a victim, I took back my power as a worthwhile human being, who could hopefully help others to heal, also. I am glad you are able to post here.
I am sure your therapist does not feel as though you are complaining, or wasting her time. Most therapists consider it a privilege to be entrusted with their clients' stories. If she weren't like that, you'd have figured it out by now, and you wouldn't like her. Now is not the time to take a break from therapy, but I agree with Leah that it's important to have a balance, and it's a good idea to ask for a lighter session. Maybe you can share your post with your T, so she can better understand what you're going through.
You are not going nuts, you are starting to heal. It is a difficult process, but I believe you are strong enough to continue to heal. I hope you keep reaching out, and I also hope you keep receiving support.
