relapsing, feeling bad with T and wanting to quit?

Sorry for this long thread, I haven't had access to internet lately and I have so much going on.. I need pocket riders for tomorrow
I don't know if this might be triggering but I've put the icon, just in case.
I've started processing trauma recently and I'm feeling really bad. It's like a sudden storm. It's the very first time I try to process it and have no idea how long i will take but I feel really bad already, naked and ashamed. My ed worsened a bit. I want to talk about it but when I get the chance to do it I have no words as I feel really bad complaining to T and all the things I thought during the week just don't come out.

This was such a bad moment to work on it as I don't have time to do any thinking between sessions and sometimes I don't know why I'm at T's office even though I've needed it for a whole week. Last week's session didn't go well, I also realized T comes back just for me on friday night, reopens the office etc., I was a bit early and we arrived together. I felt guilty especially because that session didn't even go well and I though I had her come for nothing, she was tired and I was very confused (and had fever actually - but I didn't know it).

I wanted to cancel tomorrow's session because she asked me to move it up twice as she's obviously going somewhere nicer. I did my best moving everything twice because she's really a wonderful T and always there for me but I feel like seeing me will be the worst thing she has to do tomorrow. I told T there's no problem if she's struggling with her schedule and needs to skip but she said don't worry. I really hope the session goes well. I don't want to mention trauma tomorrow. I don't know what to do, maybe it's this thing I started processing but I feel less than a human and I'm suffering going there. I really like T but I hate her being my secrets' keeper now and I hate needing her and feel like quitting until I feel better on my own (I know, weird). Does anyone relate a bit to this mess, or am I going nuts? Should I quit therapy for a while, like one month..?

Sorry about this and thanks if you read it.

Awe, I can relate. This is par for the course doing trauma work, in my personal experience and that I've heard from others. My suggestion, since you asked, is to go in and ask for a lighter session or one focused on a single topic you feel you can manage, maybe your ed acting up, or something smaller as needed. It's very important to maintain balance in trauma work- alternating between intense, wrenching, agitating sessions, and more manageable, lighter ones to normalize your feelings and the relationship, so I would hope that might help you feel better. Trauma is all about being out of control. But now, in therapy, you have the control, so you can take breaks, go at your pace, call the shots, and at the same time, trust your therapist to be honest with you about wanting to be there and not minding your disclosures or non-disclosures when you struggle. You're NOT a waste of her time!

I'm in your pocket. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I want you to know that the shame you feel is not unusual for trauma survivors, and I understand the "less than human feeling", also. However, what happened to us was less than human, and the shame belongs to the abusers. I decided long ago that the reason I was abused is because there was a goodness and innocence about me, and the abusers wanted to destroy that. Once I gave up shaming myself and feeling worthless because I had been a victim, I took back my power as a worthwhile human being, who could hopefully help others to heal, also. I am glad you are able to post here.

I am sure your therapist does not feel as though you are complaining, or wasting her time. Most therapists consider it a privilege to be entrusted with their clients' stories. If she weren't like that, you'd have figured it out by now, and you wouldn't like her. Now is not the time to take a break from therapy, but I agree with Leah that it's important to have a balance, and it's a good idea to ask for a lighter session. Maybe you can share your post with your T, so she can better understand what you're going through.

You are not going nuts, you are starting to heal. It is a difficult process, but I believe you are strong enough to continue to heal. I hope you keep reaching out, and I also hope you keep receiving support.

It's fine to not talk about anything trauma related tomorrow if you don't want to. Just talk about something else and if she brings it up tell her you don't want to talk about it that day.

Thanks! I'm relieved to read that someone else can relate (I've missed this forum so much, it's great to be back).

I would like to share all this, but I'm really shy and last time I could feel a bit of frustration from her too (nothing big but she was waiting and said I was obviously very tired) - I totally get it because I was really numb and spoke in a confusing way, I don't even remember what we talked about for the second half of the session - and maybe this fact worsened things. I'm nervous about tomorrow, I know I don't have to entertain T but it's vital for me to feel like I'm "good" enough to talk to someone without fearing I'm a pain in the *** and I feel so relieved knowing that someone understands.
I don't know if I'll find the courage to show her this post but I will definitely ask for a lighter session especially if I see it's going to be like last week. Maybe I can write something down as I tend to forget everything as soon as I step into that office.

Thanks for the support, you made me feel less alone. I will post tomorrow

Hugs!!! I definitely understand where you are coming from. It is painful to go through what you are going through. The natural response it to want to quit and walk away thinking the pain will go away. Unfortunately, with the wound open it probably will not go away. I would go to T and explain first about needing to know you are not a pain. Then tell her that you need to take things slower as it was too much. She should respect and work with you on what you need..

Hey, here's my update as promised, you've been so nice yesterday and I wanted to let you know how it went.
It went definitely better, and I wasn't as tired as last week. I was terrified to make the session frustrating as again, T was there for me and had to leave and it was her bday (she didn't tell me, I know it because when I was referred I googled her before we met to see in whose hands I was going and the only thing I found was her birth date on the official psychologists register of my country and that's it). She even thanked me for allowing the change.

I didn't have the guts to say all those things in the end, but once there I forgot about my purpose of having a superficial session and asked T to help me tell my parents about my ed. She knows it's a big/terrifying thing for me and was surprised and very engaged actually. She understood I didn't want to talk about abuse today and we focused on the ed thing as it's a big step. It was a deep session but I didn't add shame as it was more about feelings and ideas for the big talk that we were considering together and I don't think I spoiled anyone's day (yeah I can't help worrying about that so far). so I had a fruitful session without the shame I felt subjected to. I'm relieved now, I do need to balance sessions indeed.. you helped me so much yesterday

At the next session on abuse I'll feel the same horrible way, BUT I've prepared a letter where I explained what I wrote here yesterday so that I can hand it to her when words are missing, hoping it can help us both - and that I'm brave enough to actually give it to T.

So glad that it went well for you!

Thanks so much for the update. I'm glad we helped. You did great today!