I can't watch the news or really read newspapers cos they blame me for the bad things that happen, and/or I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when others have it so much worse.

I'm sorry you're feeling so paranoid I have people watching me too. I know why, but I can't let on that I know or things could get worse. I don't know who exactly it is though as there's no one person always around. They probably rotate people so you don't get suspicious. It could be anyone and cameras are so tiny these days that it could be anything innocuous on them :/

I'm sorry that you feel that you can't post here Gr3tta My PM is always open, if you want. Try to concentrate on breathing into your stomach (like Sometimes was saying a few pages back) as that will slow down your resp and heart rates, and gives your brain something to focus on

I'll keep my fingers crossed that it all works out for you Medicalfox

Hope you have/had a lovely time I saved so much money that month I stayed in bed because I wasn't out buying drinks and snacks and random bits! Lol

Hope you feel better soon Punky!

I read recently that taking cold/flu meds with paracetamol actually increases the chance you will infect others!! Paracetamol decreases your temp (which your body uses to kill the bugs) and so they found increased viral loads in coughs and sneezes. Personally I never use the stuff, but I doubt it would stop most people anyway. I told my friend about it and she said that as long as the stuff made her feel better, she didn't care how many others she infected! Lol

As it's Sunday, I went with my family to visit my grandfather. I showed him my elephant as I'd previously told him of my plans. He used to be a bit of a tinkerer before his dementia, and enjoys thinking of new uses and adaptations for everyday things. He used to always be tinkering and inventing little bits and bobs (nothing worth patenting, unfortunately! Lol) to reuse or fix something. Then we went out for lunch. I had a massive pizza that I couldn't finish, and am absolutely stuffed now.

I've got the psychologist appt on Tuesday morning, so I've been thinking of what I want to work on. I want to start with generic things at first (like self esteem) until I figure out if he's working with the hospital/Govt. And I don't want to talk about symptoms (like voices or paranoia) because the hospital doesn't believe they exist and I don't want to get into some kind of argument over it or talk about them to try and 'prove' they exist cos they'll just think I'm malingering. So I was thinking about focusing on anxiety in specific situations eg anxiety about being naked instead of paranoia that there are hidden cameras...I'm hoping that'll work...

And I'm trying to pluck up the courage to find out what his plans are ie what type of therapy he's going to try (and more importantly why) and how long he thinks it will take. One of the pdocs in the hospital was talking about having a year of therapy, which I agreed with at the time cos I don't think 12 weeks of CBT are going to cut it, but now I'm deeply suspicious of why they think I would need so long. On the NHS it is unusual to get long term therapy unless you have a severe personality disorder, which is why I'm suspicious because they haven't told me that's what they think I have when they took away my other diagnoses, and I'm positive that I don't have any kind of PD. They told me I didn't have depression or psychosis, so why am I still under a CMHT, seeing an OT and pdoc, and needing long term therapy if I have no MI?? The only reason I can see is that they've labelled me with something in secret and haven't told me because I will be furious because it's not true and it's just a way of discrediting me.

Anyway I'm trying to keep busy and not worry about it all too much

Hope everyone enjoys the rest of the weekend! My siblings are back to school/college tomorrow woohoo!

*Willow*