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Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic
So I bought a book managing anger with cbt for dummies...the dummies books are always so funny. So I'm reading along you know like 2-3 pages in in just the general background section and for some reason it clicked in my brain that I am really angry at having been sick and that I never really got to express it. I mean sure I thought it was unfair but I was so drugged up on APs that all my actual I think legitimate anger was never expressed. I think that is why the forum has been a little triggering lately...I mean I'm just getting my emotions back to their normal strength and that was the first one that cropped up...and honestly I think I'm angry that all of you are sick and dealing with this ***** too. Because it's not even remotely fair that this should happen to any of us....it's like I thought I could just fix everything somehow but really that's not always going to be the case it's possible that things can't be fixed using the tools we have have now and that's incredibly frustrating for me both as a person and as a scientist. I need to find a new balance with this so I may be in and out for a while.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KUREHA
I feel like I'm going to explode though if I don't talk to that stalker. I'm trying hard not to, because the police will know, but it's driving me crazy.
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Originally Posted by punkybrewster6k
Okay.
Talked to Bean and she agrees to hospital even though she doesnt want to go she feels she needs to.
She seems safe today and cant wait to see everyone there.
I have to remind her that many of those new friends are probably back home from the last time she was there in October.
But she is a little excited to see staff and make new friends......what a beautiful mind she has.
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Hope Bean gets on fine in the hospital. All the best to you both
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Originally Posted by junkDNA
does anyone have trouble taking meds when they hear voices? my voices tell me not to take my meds. and if i do they freak out on me.
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Yeah my voices sometimes make me believe that I don't deserve to take meds, or eat. It's hard to argue with them at times like that.
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Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster
I feel like it fits what's going on. I can't really deny it anymore so... yeah. Currently I've crashed into mixed and it's not fun at all. I'm hoping the Trileptal can pull me out of this state because god, it seriously really sucks. My thoughts are still racing, I feel just as impulsive as when I'm manic, and a bunch of other crap. I could talk on and on all day but I don't want to bore you all with my unfantastic life so I'm still rambling anyway and oh there's thoughts all over my head right now racing back and forth and all over the line between the point of the hearing off the top head down up whatever. Oh dear. Yeah,. not doing so well. Isn't that wonderful? I have a hard time with knowing where the walking in point is. What does it mean when I collapse into a point and there's nothing left of me? I'm hearing voices, I think I might take my PRN of haldol but I'm not sure.
WTF did I just write? Ohgod, I'm losing my ****!
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Sorry you're feeling mixed right now. I hate being mixed so much!
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Originally Posted by Alonewithmycat
So I went to the ER with a panic attack. Terrifying. I don't have panic attacks often.
On the hospital bed for a while warm blanket shaking violently couldn't breath. Went home with benzo and slept. First time I felt normal in a year.
Too much cortisol in the body way too much.
When I relaxed they said wow your heart rate was 160 but still had to wait for it to go down.
There's no way that I would tell them that my heart rate sometimes goes to 240bpm..
Calm calm calm.. Please I don't want anxiety today I will sleep when I get home
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**TRIGGER FOR MENTION OF SUI**
So today I was out with my parents and we bumped into a woman my parents knew. She's the mother-in-law of this guy who committed suicide in Oct leaving a wife and 2 young boys. Apparently he was in the same ward I was in, and was actually a voluntary patient there when he killed himself. There's currently an inquest into his death because he was seen wrapping things around his neck, his wife warned the staff not to let him out on leave the next day as he was very suicidal, and they let him out anyway, where he then took his own life.
My parents were asking her how everyone was coping, and then my Mum outed me to this woman, telling her I was sectioned last Nov! I was so angry! Then we got talking about how the staff had failed this guy, and how they'd treated me. And Mum told her (a complete stranger as far as I'm concerned!) about my attempt on the ward and how bad the staff were...
It just brought up all these memories and feelings that I've been trying to bury, and I had to try really, really hard not to cry in the middle of a coffee shop
Mum later apologised for outing me, and said that I'd been neglected lately what with everything else going on, asking how I was doing and if I was struggling. I said I was fine, though I'm not really sure if that's actually a lie or not. Then she asked if I would actually tell her if I was struggling, and I laughed which she, accurately, took as a no.
It's just so complicated...She's not well and really stressed, so I don't want to burden her or Dad. Then there's the fact that anything I tell her will be relayed to the CMHT, and I don't want that because I don't trust them. And then there's the tiny part of me that is angry and upset about the fact that she got me hospitalised and I had to experience all of the horrible things that happened there, and the fact that they (staff) completely dismissed me and now I have no one IRL I can talk to. It's just really hard right now
Also I've been telling myself that I'm going to go to the MH centre tomorrow and do some craft cos they've got an art/craft class...but now it's tomorrow and I don't really want to go :/ I'm scared of new places and new people, plus the last time I went to the centre to make mince pies, I felt like I didn't belong there and ended up running the cooking class because I was the only one (including the 'teacher') who'd ever made mince pies before! Right now I'd rather stay at home hiding under my duvet than go to the centre :/
*Willow*