I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say this, but I think I might have to quit therapy to stop hurting myself.

I had my session tonight and it was like being in the room with a different person. My therapist said she's going to challenge me on everything wrong I do and this seemed to take the form of being very...blunt.

Loads of things she said stung When I was talking about having thoughts of suicide, she said something like 'stop making excuses, don't tell me you can't help being drawn to it'. After an hour and a half she asked me what I was taking in from the session, and I said 'that I have to redirect my energy into more positive channels' and she told me quite sharply that that was an insult to her 20 years of therapy experience and that I was being sarcastic. I don't think I was being sarcastic. I was over-simplifying, sure, because I didn't really understand the points she was making. Then she told me I needed to start taking responsibility for myself, and this was super unfortunate because that's pretty much the last thing my mother said to me before I cut contact with her at the weekend. She also said she was working really hard with me and I wasn't doing my fair share, my 50%, and this confused me because I've asked before if I should be working harder and she's always said no absolutely not.

Everything just was wrong. We're supposed to see each other for one two hour session a week now with no contact in between. I've just done three months intensive work, about six hours a week with as much texting and emailing and calling between. I'm so grateful for all the good, but the sudden change in contact ****ing hard. She said she was pissed off at herself for the way she had been working with me until now, that she doesn't work with others like that and our dynamic is very different. Obviously, the dynamic I loved, she disliked

It feels like once I started to really grow confident she'd be there, she whipped the rug out from under me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to do one session a week with her. I was so frozen in my session tonight and the more I felt attacked the more afraid I was of saying anything and shut down.

After, I left a voicemail saying I felt abandoned, and basically so hurt at having her ripped away from me after having a taste of what it felt like to have somebody there - I apologized for breaking the boundary but wasn't sorry for saying it. She messaged me then basically saying well done for fighting for myself (I don't know if I want to have to fight for myself against my therapist though) and that I can email as much as I like. But I almost can't trust it. I don't know. I feel acutely disloyal even writing this, but I need to post this here to see if PC thinks I'm being too sensitive and just need a kick up the *** and to stop feeling uncomfortable and upset I can't think straight.