I am kind of having a pity party here. I am angry at what depression has taken from me. I spent the first half of my life doing drugs and alcohol and fighting untreated depression. There were some happy periods in there. I was very happy as a little kid until 7th grade. I had alot of good periods through high school that I seemed happy but I was drinking alot so was I really happy. I had alot of friends, a girl friend, played hockey, and got good grades. Then in college it took a big turn downward and I dropped out. I went to work as a plumber at age 20 and ended up getting married, having a baby, buying a house and the american dream. There were alot of happy periods in there but I was still drinking and using alot. The drinking and using and depression all came to head at 32 and I sought treatment. I have been clean and sober ever since but the depression got steadily worse. I got divorced. I don't know how I managed to keep working all those years but I managed just barely. I did very well at work always and made alot of friends in AA and such and had some good and happy spells.


In recent years the depression has gotten so much worse that I lost two jobs over it and just can't go look for another one. They never used to last this long. So at 50 I was forced to move back to Michigan with my parents. I do have a nice little cottage on the river here but have no desire to even go out there. I was able to collect unemployment for along time but that ran out. Now I have no income, am at my parents, and applied for social security.

I am just in limbo. I don't have any meaning or purpose. I don't know what my future holds. These damn depressions are lasting so much longer than they used to.

It is a huge blow for a man to go from working and being totally self sufficient and independent, even though just barely, to the place I am at now. I feel like depression has robbed me of so much. I have not been in a relationship in years. I don't know how to live right now.

This is a huge adjustment. I hope I get social security. If I don't I don't know what I will do. Some how I have to find some meaning and purpose to look forward to. I have a feeling this is going to be along process. Thank God I have a supportive family or I would be on the streets.