Just existing

I am kind of having a pity party here. I am angry at what depression has taken from me. I spent the first half of my life doing drugs and alcohol and fighting untreated depression. There were some happy periods in there. I was very happy as a little kid until 7th grade. I had alot of good periods through high school that I seemed happy but I was drinking alot so was I really happy. I had alot of friends, a girl friend, played hockey, and got good grades. Then in college it took a big turn downward and I dropped out. I went to work as a plumber at age 20 and ended up getting married, having a baby, buying a house and the american dream. There were alot of happy periods in there but I was still drinking and using alot. The drinking and using and depression all came to head at 32 and I sought treatment. I have been clean and sober ever since but the depression got steadily worse. I got divorced. I don't know how I managed to keep working all those years but I managed just barely. I did very well at work always and made alot of friends in AA and such and had some good and happy spells.

In recent years the depression has gotten so much worse that I lost two jobs over it and just can't go look for another one. They never used to last this long. So at 50 I was forced to move back to Michigan with my parents. I do have a nice little cottage on the river here but have no desire to even go out there. I was able to collect unemployment for along time but that ran out. Now I have no income, am at my parents, and applied for social security.

I am just in limbo. I don't have any meaning or purpose. I don't know what my future holds. These damn depressions are lasting so much longer than they used to.

It is a huge blow for a man to go from working and being totally self sufficient and independent, even though just barely, to the place I am at now. I feel like depression has robbed me of so much. I have not been in a relationship in years. I don't know how to live right now.

This is a huge adjustment. I hope I get social security. If I don't I don't know what I will do. Some how I have to find some meaning and purpose to look forward to. I have a feeling this is going to be along process. Thank God I have a supportive family or I would be on the streets.

i do not see you as having a pity party.

i see you as being overwhelmed. and i do not blame you..........

depression is stealing from you. worse than a burglar, or the guy ripping off your car. it is stealing your job, your savings, your LIFE.

best wishes to you in this fight. Do not let the burglar win.

Hi zinco...I don't think it's a pity party - it's your real life, and every once in a while you have to tell someone, even if it is a forum like this, what you are living with. I find that when I get these thoughts out of my head and into a forum for others to read that I feel a bit better...Depression has robbed me of a lot too. I'm glad you have a supportive family.

I had a pity party this morning too Zinco. I can't believe where my life has ended up, what condition I'm in, and why this happened to me. It was terrible. It hit me in the car while I was driving. I was crying for thirty-minutes in the car thinking about what depression has taken from my life. Now I'm having anxiety attacks which make me feel worse, than I take medication, and I feel even worse.

Oh Zinco....I can relate to some of what you say....the feeling of being useless and dependent. And effing angry at depression.....

I know you would prefer to work as would I, but I'm currently looking to volunteer somewhere to gain back the feeling of being useful...I don't know if you would consider it (I know it's hard to even step foot outside the house) But with your background and experience, I can see you doing a lot for Habitat for Humanity.

Hang in there.

Now I found out I don't qualify for medicaid because I have a 401k and they count that as an asset. That is bs because it is not a liquid asset. Cant afford 300 a month and 3000 deductible for Obama care.

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zinco14532323;3643869
I don't feel your having a pity party. Your stating your life as you see/feel it. Depression, if not successfully treated, does suck away your life! Can you apply for disability? As you say you are fortunate to have family who care about you.

I can identify with your statement in every aspect. Thanks for this thread. I guess misery DOES love company.

Ay Zinco,

Like my friends, I don't think you're having a pity party. You're just summing up your life's experiences and being open with your thoughts. I hate what depression has taken from me too. It crosses my mind daily. And, like you, I thank God for a supportive family or I'd be in quite a pickle. Even though I feel discouraged many times, I'm still fighting to get to a place where I can support myself again and not be dependent. Heck, I'm 42! I truly hope there's a silver lining coming soon for all of us.

The thing is I feel like I shouldn't be miserable. After all the meds and all the therapy and all the AA meetings and all the Alanon meetings and all of this and all of that. I could go on and on. I have worked so hard over the years. I have very treatment resistant depression and that is what is so frustrating.

Hey Zinco. My depression, as you put it, is like yours, it's really resistant to treatment. I have been some sort of depressed since I was 12. I am now 23, so I have had this thing clinging to my back for nearly 13 years now. It's frustrating when treatment makes barely a dent, and you put so much try into it.

You're not having a pity party. Life gets overwhelming, at the worst of times, and we are stuck picking up the mess.

Medicaid LOVES denying people the first time they apply. I had to apply twice to get accepted. I say re-apply, see what happens, and if there is no outcome, appeal the decision and get on the phone with as many people as you can who get medicaid working.

I have to wait until April 1st and apply again. That is when the medicaid expansion under ObamaCare starts here in Michigan. What I can't figure out and even DHS doesn't know is whether the asset test still applies. It is bs that a 401k counts as an asset for these purposes because it is not like you can access the money.