Hello,

I am new to this forum and I apologize for the long message in advance and i is a bit all over the place because my brain is just drained. I just feel very confused and sad about my situation and wanted to get some advice. I am in my late 20s and my ex (now of several days) is in his early thirties. We were together for four amazing years (lived together for more than two years). We are best friends. I have been supportive from day one. He opened up to me about major things that had happened in his life before he met me and I was completely accepting. He has abandonment issues from childhood as well.

So as I am now reflecting on our relationship (this is our first break up), there have been patterns. Every time our relationship would progress, he would freak out and want to break up and would say he's not sure about me (but loves me a lot) although after talking, we were able to say that we will take things day by day. From the beginning he would tell me he has a hole in his heart and he can easily shut down his emotions but I know he is a very sensitive person (this is a mind-boggling thing for me).

This year has been the hardest year of our lives together. I moved away for school (of which he is extremely supportive) but it has been tough as the distance made me feel insecure and I definitely showed it (I checked his email messages which I am extremely not proud of and he apologized for making me feel so insecure that I felt the need to do so). I had a death in my family and he had a close family member diagnosed with a life threatening illness. We are both in graduate school. I know he is very stressed in school and does not handle stress well (emotionally shuts down and I have a hard time understanding-except now I do and I kick myself for not being more understanding and giving him space). I feel extremely guilty because lately I've been pushing for engagement (mainly since everyone keeps bugging me about settling down and not that I'm actually ready) and have been pushing him in school to work harder etc because I felt that he wasn't trying as hard and know he wants to be a number one. He would tell me that he wants to make sure the person he is with is perfect as he never wants to divorce.

While we were conversing minutes before the breakup, he was telling me how beautiful I am and then talked about some issues he was having at school to which I tried to be supportive but then said something stupid like him being naive and too trusting of people (some people at school are causing issues for him and I was just being protective :S). He said he felt empty and was not sure if it was due to not being with the right girl or whether it's because he will always feel this way. Essentially, he told me I was the love of his life and that he loves me so much and that I deserve better, yet also said that he doesn't see a future with us (this absolutely crushed me). Lately I was pressuring him a lot about marriage and he brought it up and I said it's fine I'm not ready for that and he said that he knows I am and I deserve someone who can give me that. While we were talking (again minutes before the breakup) he was saying that we both stress the same way and that that would be bad for our future children.

I haven't spoken with him since then and it's breaking my heart. I feel so guilty for not taking into account that he has abandonment issues. I should have been more supportive. I know he is presenting at a conference in a few days and when we talked about it a while back he was very nervous about this. I want to show him my support by messaging him to say good luck. I hope this can help him feel he is not alone (he doesn't have a lot of friends).

I think the world of him. I think he is fascinating from the way he thinks about life, movies to how funny he is and his little quirks.

He would tell me that I'm his ray of sunshine and that he has never loved someone so much. We are two peas in a pod, always have so much fun. I am a bubbly person but I too have my moments of anxiety and sadness.

My goal is to give him space. I think he is extremely overwhelmed right now and sad. I want to show him that I am there for him from a distance because I promised him I would (I promised over the winter holidays). Ultimately though, I want us to get back together so much. You see, he's my ray of sunshine.

What can I do to get him back? Is it truly me he does not want? does he think he's not good enough for me ? How do I help him to not get in these stages? Did I ruin everything for good?