Hearbroken from man who has abandonment issues

Hello,

I am new to this forum and I apologize for the long message in advance and i is a bit all over the place because my brain is just drained. I just feel very confused and sad about my situation and wanted to get some advice. I am in my late 20s and my ex (now of several days) is in his early thirties. We were together for four amazing years (lived together for more than two years). We are best friends. I have been supportive from day one. He opened up to me about major things that had happened in his life before he met me and I was completely accepting. He has abandonment issues from childhood as well.

So as I am now reflecting on our relationship (this is our first break up), there have been patterns. Every time our relationship would progress, he would freak out and want to break up and would say he's not sure about me (but loves me a lot) although after talking, we were able to say that we will take things day by day. From the beginning he would tell me he has a hole in his heart and he can easily shut down his emotions but I know he is a very sensitive person (this is a mind-boggling thing for me).

This year has been the hardest year of our lives together. I moved away for school (of which he is extremely supportive) but it has been tough as the distance made me feel insecure and I definitely showed it (I checked his email messages which I am extremely not proud of and he apologized for making me feel so insecure that I felt the need to do so). I had a death in my family and he had a close family member diagnosed with a life threatening illness. We are both in graduate school. I know he is very stressed in school and does not handle stress well (emotionally shuts down and I have a hard time understanding-except now I do and I kick myself for not being more understanding and giving him space). I feel extremely guilty because lately I've been pushing for engagement (mainly since everyone keeps bugging me about settling down and not that I'm actually ready) and have been pushing him in school to work harder etc because I felt that he wasn't trying as hard and know he wants to be a number one. He would tell me that he wants to make sure the person he is with is perfect as he never wants to divorce.

While we were conversing minutes before the breakup, he was telling me how beautiful I am and then talked about some issues he was having at school to which I tried to be supportive but then said something stupid like him being naive and too trusting of people (some people at school are causing issues for him and I was just being protective :S). He said he felt empty and was not sure if it was due to not being with the right girl or whether it's because he will always feel this way. Essentially, he told me I was the love of his life and that he loves me so much and that I deserve better, yet also said that he doesn't see a future with us (this absolutely crushed me). Lately I was pressuring him a lot about marriage and he brought it up and I said it's fine I'm not ready for that and he said that he knows I am and I deserve someone who can give me that. While we were talking (again minutes before the breakup) he was saying that we both stress the same way and that that would be bad for our future children.

I haven't spoken with him since then and it's breaking my heart. I feel so guilty for not taking into account that he has abandonment issues. I should have been more supportive. I know he is presenting at a conference in a few days and when we talked about it a while back he was very nervous about this. I want to show him my support by messaging him to say good luck. I hope this can help him feel he is not alone (he doesn't have a lot of friends).

I think the world of him. I think he is fascinating from the way he thinks about life, movies to how funny he is and his little quirks.

He would tell me that I'm his ray of sunshine and that he has never loved someone so much. We are two peas in a pod, always have so much fun. I am a bubbly person but I too have my moments of anxiety and sadness.

My goal is to give him space. I think he is extremely overwhelmed right now and sad. I want to show him that I am there for him from a distance because I promised him I would (I promised over the winter holidays). Ultimately though, I want us to get back together so much. You see, he's my ray of sunshine.

What can I do to get him back? Is it truly me he does not want? does he think he's not good enough for me ? How do I help him to not get in these stages? Did I ruin everything for good?

Hi there, that seems really tough...

Please don’t beat yourself up thinking you ruined the relationship or weren’t supportive enough. As they say, it takes two to tango. You can’t be the only one to bear the weight and sole responsibility of the relationship. And as you describe, he seems to be grappling with some unresolved issues and with talk of commitment and perhaps added pressure of being at school and/or issues with his friends, his fears or insecurities came to the fore and the only way he thought he could deal with this is by running away?

It sounds very painful when he tells you that you are the love of his life but that he sees no future for you two. He also seems to respect you but maybe thinks he is not good enough and/or is pulling you down? However, he doesn’t seem (emotionally) ready to commit.

In terms of the future of your relationship, it is difficult to speculate. As you suggest, you could be there for him as a friend. However, i would let him make the first move. I appreciate you have strong feelings for him, but another worry is that getting together with him in the near future, seeing his precarious emotional state, might jeopardise *your* emotional well-being... as seems to be the case already.

At any rate, it seems he could benefit from more ‘specialised’ help i.e. seeing a therapist or counsellor. Would that be an option? A therapist would have the tools to help him further. And unless he works on whatever issues are gnawing at him, i am sorry to say that this might be a pattern he turns to again and again... thus, there would be no guarantee that a similar situation wouldn’t arise in the future. I am saying this because he seem to be contradicting himself and using this push-pull technique with you... You might end up getting hurt further unless he sorts himself out, so to speak.

I hope you two can work this out.

Thank you very much for your reply.

You're right, it does take two. He does need help. When he visited me, he mentioned that he is seeing a therapist at school. I just don't know if he realizes that he has this issue and that it is affecting all aspects of his life. I know he knows he has abandonment issues but again, not sure he knows that he acts in negative ways due to these issues. Is this something he should discuss with the family member who caused him these abandonment issues to finally deal with this problem?

I am not sure about discussing it with said family member... are they aware they treated him this way? Is he (the young man) 'strong' enough to face, perhaps confrontation from said person.. Or even denial from this family member? I mean, it could be a volatile or explosive situation. Is there anyone else, close to him, who could (gently) broach the topic of his issues affecting his life, so as to steer him towards getting help? Maybe a sibling, close friend, counsellor at his school etc. The aim being not to make him defensive

If you had contact with him, you would prob be the best person to talk to him - as a collaborative effort to help him and subsequently your relationship. Maybe if/when he approaches you, this could be an option? Will you send him the 'good luck' text?

I deal with abandonment issues. I have only been strong enough to end a relationship once even then I felt abandoned. I agree with the above. 100% My abandonment came with me at adoption. I had parents who loved me and I have always carried the abandonment with me from the moment I was left. I think the best thing you can do is give him space and when you do get to talk or send a message,let it be encouraging.