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Originally Posted by Amelia112
Rainbow - first of all, I am glad for the positive feelings you had with this. I am glad you "got what you wanted" and it made you feel good. It seems this is an issue that is just very important to you and your healing and perhaps your T has understood what is good for you and wants to help you in the way that she did. I have no doubt in my mind that she deeply cares about you.
I am not too concerned about the confusion you feel, this might be something helpful to work out with your therapist.
As the other poster said, it does sound a little concerning though that you seem to be at the receiving end of a therapist who obviously is training a lot (which is good of course) but she "tries" this out with you as soon as she comes back from her workshop and is convinced as you state that "touch is the best way to heal trauma".
So you tell her about how safe you felt last session when she held your hand. And now this goes into a very advanced form of touch from then to now in what seems a short time.
So no wonder you are confused, no wonder you question where this might lead and no wonder you are afraid she will change her mind in the future.
And that confusion is not a good one to be in.
I would say, please trust your instincts, be VERY honest with your therapist and verbalize the confusion and the fear.
Listen to what your body tells you about this (haha, now I sound like your therapist) and try to remember what it is that made you feel safe and strong.
Perhaps this really is exactly what you need.
BUT, take actively part in the process and don't let her just try out things on you. She needs to be very careful what this means to you and I hope very much she knows what she is doing for your sake.
All my love,
Amelia
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Thank you, Amelia. I appreciate your thoughtful feedback very much. I will definitely trust my instincts about the touching. I'm always very honest with my T so that's not a problem either. So far my body feels safe and secure like it always has when she used to hold my hand, and her touching my arm felt that way too. She is very well trained and experienced at interpreting my body language, so I feel confident that if anything doesn't seem right to her, she and I will both recognize it! I think she knows what she's doing because almost 4 years ago, when she first let me hold her hand, she told me "touch is healing". She also told me that she hugs clients, so she hasn't changed her basic belief that touching in therapy is acceptable. But I will be very careful.
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Originally Posted by Asiablue
I agree that touch in therapy can be very healing for trauma and for certain clients. I think it might be really good for you providing the boundaries are made very clear for both of you. I feel strongly that she needs to be clear about what she's doing, why she's doing it and how it's going to help, it would be very unfair if it was handled badly and it threw you back to a very disorganised place.
I would take time to think very carefully about this Rainbow, what you hope to get from it, how you feel it will help, what will you do if you really can't handle it etc How she will handle it if she decided it's not helping but hindering you...
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Thank you, Asia. So far my T has been clear on why she's doing it, that it's more than my just "feeling safe and good when she holds my hand". It's getting to the point of having that feeling inside of me, like my "quiet stillness" poem. I agree that it would be terrible if the touching causes me to regress. I know my T will tell me if she thinks it's hindering me. I trust her about that. It's just that today's session was not at all what I was expecting!
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Originally Posted by Leah123
I am pleased that you're getting what you want. I share your concern that your therapist is flip-flopping. This was a very sudden, drastic change. I think consistency is important in therapy.
I don't want you to have to feel you have to gear up for a battle though! I'm glad for you, just... wanna make sure she's not indecisive, and she's clear with you on why such a drastic change, like you said, I'd feel some resentment too, that she took so long to come around to touch again, and now it's like.... a pet rock... in vogue with her trainer so she's gonna do it?
What if the next research paper she reads or book she buys or class she goes to gives her a different, equally credible argument against touch...
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Thank you, Leah. I understand and agree with everything you are saying, except for the idea that my T will read something, or take a class "against touch". She's pursuing the SE because she believes in it, and is spending a lot of money to take these courses. It goes along with her orientation of mind/body therapy, mindfulness, meditation, and EMDR. They're all related.
She has always believed that touch is healing; I don't think she would have held my hand in the first place if she didn't, and she actually did say that to me at the time. For at least a year or longer she let me hold her hand when I asked her to. Then there was that awful session where she thought it was sexual. Some of the touching did feel that way at the time, but never holding hands. She admitted to me recently that it became triggering for her, that it wasn't me. I wish she would have told me that at the time, but she didn't. I know that particular session was triggering and weird, so what she picked up wasn't totally wrong either.
I will see what happens, and with the SE, my T and I will both be very aware of what I'm feeling in my body! I used to hate her questions about that, but she was right that it's been helpful for me. I KNOW there is something I get from holding her hand, and I'm better able to separate it out as therapeutic, and not something about her. That may have been a problem in the past. I've been very much attached to her, as well as having transference, some of it being erotic. I feel differently now; the "in love" parts aren't active, but I'm left with all the more normal loving feelings for my T.