T now wants to use touch in our sessions!

I don't know whether threads about touch need a trigger, but I want to err on the safe side. This is really about "touch therapy", not hugs at the end of a session, so I think it might be controversial as well as triggering.


I felt like I was dreaming in my session today but my T told me I wasn't. I have conflicted feelings, not about what she's doing, but about what she didn't do in the past. This may be long because I have a lot of feelings to sort out.

I told T that I didn't have to call her, I thought, because she let me hold her hand again (it's about 2 years since she stopped without telling me why) at my last session, and because she sat close to me. She agreed, right away, without me having to argue about it. She said that she just got back from a 5 day SE (somatic experiencing) workshop where she learned that touch is the best way to heal trauma. Not for everyone, but for Ts who do SE and mind/body therapy, this is what they're taught, at least at this workshop.

So, she not only let me hold her hand, but she moved her chair closer, and asked if she could put her hand on my upper arm, as this was another healing technique that she learned. I kept verbalizing my surprise that she wanted to do this with me. She said this is what she did during the workshop.

T said that this handholding is for a specific purpose, so unless I get triggered, it's therapeutic and healing. She also agreed to sit next to me, whereas the last session where she held my hand, she wouldn't sit next to me. I felt safe and settled except when I looked at the clock and saw time was passing by! She wanted to know where in my body I felt that, and what, and how I felt when I closed my eyes again. She says this kind of touching will heal my attachment problems. She thinks I had the confused (I forgot the technical name) kind of attachment to my parents, where it's sometimes connected, and sometimes not.

Before we stopped, T took her hand away from mine gradually, and said she wanted me to be able to get to my "place of landing" inside of myself. I felt like I could do this, but at the same time my head was spinning about my T's changed attitude.

The problem is, and I may have told her this today, is that she has changed her mind a lot with me. She doesn't call these mistakes, though. She learns more, and adjusts the treatment. She said she will NOT change her mind about the usefulness of touch again, unless I don't want to do it. But she DID change her mind about holding my hand once, without explaining that SHE got triggered, until somewhat recently. I understand her going through stuff in her private life, but still, I was hurt by how she handled that.

I always knew that holding a Ts hand was something I wanted and needed, but she is the first T who allowed it. I feel like we "wasted" a few years when she stopped. Of course now she is more skillful and we both know to be aware of being triggered in any way. It upsets me that I am finding this out now, after about 20 years of therapy! (with 5 different Ts) Well, better late than never.

Another feeling is that now I have what I wanted. Is it going to be enough? We discussed that a little. T wants the feeling I get from her to move inside of me, so I can access it. I even told her about the white light we talk about in yoga sometimes, the healing light, and how I can direct it from T's hand to mine. She does yoga so she knew what I meant.

My brain is scattered now; I'm not sure if I trust my T, but I want to. I knew she wasn't so experienced when I started, and I also knew that she used mind/body techniques and unusual things like EMDR and IFS. Then she learned SE, which is another mind/body technique. We've learned together, and I'm happy with my 4 years of therapy with her. We both think that this touching will enable me to heal so that I can finally be okay with quitting therapy.

It's just weird, that's all! I don't feel attracted to T when she's sitting next to me. I see her physical flaws and realize she's human. I know the touch is therapeutic. When I said I was getting self-conscious when she was looking at me, she said she's not judging me, just noticing my changes in breathing, sighs, jitteriness, etc. We've been doing SE for at least a year now, so this is nothing new, but adding touch back in is new.

My gut feeling is that I'm finally doing something in therapy that is going to help me. Maybe a couple of years ago I wasn't stable enough. Holding her hands was safe but brought up a lot of feelings. I need to think about all of this; I still feel like I'm in a dream!

I am just bit worried that she seems to be continuously education herself (which is good) and trying on her clients as it goes... from what you wrote she tried many different things and it's always "she learned that, so she's doing that" and that seems to be the biggest reason... and right here, it sounds like she is not considering the situation.

Aren't you ending therapy soon?

Thank you. I'd better get prepared for battle in this thread, LOL. No, I'm not ending soon anymore. My T is giving me a reduced rate and says it's fine with her or she wouldn't do it. It's really only 3 techniques she's done, and IFS was something she knew when I started seeing her. Then she got certified in EMDR, and still does that with some clients. Then SE, which is related to EMDR. So it's not SO many different things. She does a little art therapy too. She's eclectic.

I think the fact that holding her hand ALWAYS felt safe to me and still does, is the main factor here. I'm not happy with her changing her mind, but she has always told me that she does that. She's not perfect.

I think it will be good for me; it was just mind-boggling today, that we agreed!

Rainbow - first of all, I am glad for the positive feelings you had with this. I am glad you "got what you wanted" and it made you feel good. It seems this is an issue that is just very important to you and your healing and perhaps your T has understood what is good for you and wants to help you in the way that she did. I have no doubt in my mind that she deeply cares about you.
I am not too concerned about the confusion you feel, this might be something helpful to work out with your therapist.
As the other poster said, it does sound a little concerning though that you seem to be at the receiving end of a therapist who obviously is training a lot (which is good of course) but she "tries" this out with you as soon as she comes back from her workshop and is convinced as you state that "touch is the best way to heal trauma".
So you tell her about how safe you felt last session when she held your hand. And now this goes into a very advanced form of touch from then to now in what seems a short time.
So no wonder you are confused, no wonder you question where this might lead and no wonder you are afraid she will change her mind in the future.
And that confusion is not a good one to be in.
I would say, please trust your instincts, be VERY honest with your therapist and verbalize the confusion and the fear.
Listen to what your body tells you about this (haha, now I sound like your therapist) and try to remember what it is that made you feel safe and strong.
Perhaps this really is exactly what you need.
BUT, take actively part in the process and don't let her just try out things on you. She needs to be very careful what this means to you and I hope very much she knows what she is doing for your sake.

All my love,
Amelia

I agree that touch in therapy can be very healing for trauma and for certain clients. I think it might be really good for you providing the boundaries are made very clear for both of you. I feel strongly that she needs to be clear about what she's doing, why she's doing it and how it's going to help, it would be very unfair if it was handled badly and it threw you back to a very disorganised place.

I would take time to think very carefully about this Rainbow, what you hope to get from it, how you feel it will help, what will you do if you really can't handle it etc How she will handle it if she decided it's not helping but hindering you...

I am pleased that you're getting what you want. I share your concern that your therapist is flip-flopping. This was a very sudden, drastic change. I think consistency is important in therapy.

I don't want you to have to feel you have to gear up for a battle though! I'm glad for you, just... wanna make sure she's not indecisive, and she's clear with you on why such a drastic change, like you said, I'd feel some resentment too, that she took so long to come around to touch again, and now it's like.... a pet rock... in vogue with her trainer so she's gonna do it?

What if the next research paper she reads or book she buys or class she goes to gives her a different, equally credible argument against touch...

To those concerned about the T trying things out...how else is Rainbow's T supposed to learn? Or what's the point of learning these techniques if she doesn't use them? I think it's good to try different things out while figuring out what works for individual clients.

I completely agree! My therapist has learned useful techniques we have applied in my therapy also, most recently a type of art project/visualization that I love.

However, it's the inconsistency that concerns me- that she gave a lot of touch, then withdrew it, then offered it again recently because she was inspired by a conference. Rainbow, I think, mentioned her feelings of upset and resentment about this, and I sympathize.

I think it's the back-and-forth of it, and the sudden adoption of the new technique after her prior fairly long-term resistance to touch when Rainbow really wanted it in the past too:

I am glad to the extent it's helpful and gives you what you want Rainbow, I just agree that there is a lot to process here and it's odd the back and forth, to me, especially her being triggered by touch and that spilling into your session and her issues causing the major changes around touch that last go around.

Thank you, Amelia. I appreciate your thoughtful feedback very much. I will definitely trust my instincts about the touching. I'm always very honest with my T so that's not a problem either. So far my body feels safe and secure like it always has when she used to hold my hand, and her touching my arm felt that way too. She is very well trained and experienced at interpreting my body language, so I feel confident that if anything doesn't seem right to her, she and I will both recognize it! I think she knows what she's doing because almost 4 years ago, when she first let me hold her hand, she told me "touch is healing". She also told me that she hugs clients, so she hasn't changed her basic belief that touching in therapy is acceptable. But I will be very careful.

Thank you, Asia. So far my T has been clear on why she's doing it, that it's more than my just "feeling safe and good when she holds my hand". It's getting to the point of having that feeling inside of me, like my "quiet stillness" poem. I agree that it would be terrible if the touching causes me to regress. I know my T will tell me if she thinks it's hindering me. I trust her about that. It's just that today's session was not at all what I was expecting!

Thank you, Leah. I understand and agree with everything you are saying, except for the idea that my T will read something, or take a class "against touch". She's pursuing the SE because she believes in it, and is spending a lot of money to take these courses. It goes along with her orientation of mind/body therapy, mindfulness, meditation, and EMDR. They're all related.

She has always believed that touch is healing; I don't think she would have held my hand in the first place if she didn't, and she actually did say that to me at the time. For at least a year or longer she let me hold her hand when I asked her to. Then there was that awful session where she thought it was sexual. Some of the touching did feel that way at the time, but never holding hands. She admitted to me recently that it became triggering for her, that it wasn't me. I wish she would have told me that at the time, but she didn't. I know that particular session was triggering and weird, so what she picked up wasn't totally wrong either.

I will see what happens, and with the SE, my T and I will both be very aware of what I'm feeling in my body! I used to hate her questions about that, but she was right that it's been helpful for me. I KNOW there is something I get from holding her hand, and I'm better able to separate it out as therapeutic, and not something about her. That may have been a problem in the past. I've been very much attached to her, as well as having transference, some of it being erotic. I feel differently now; the "in love" parts aren't active, but I'm left with all the more normal loving feelings for my T.

The most important thing to me is that you are clear on it being helpful. It's so true that I can't judge the situation since I only know the bit that you share. Just want you to hold her accountable and be sure she is at your service, not vice versa, don't want you there as a case study to try out her new classes, but as a client.

I was a case study once, haha.

I didn't really mean a class against touch, but it's quite likely that she could find or read research or attend a course where the type of touch she wants to do now would be debunked, because the touch is controversial, and research and practice goes both ways, even among EMDR, mind/body oriented folks, as far as how much, when, why, etc.

Touch is controversial depending on what kind of therapy the T does. If you're working with a humanist style T for example, not touching you if you asked for a hug would be a failure of therapy.

As far as I know the main case against hugs is that it could lead to sexual acting out. The main stance of T's that don't hug is a 'why risk it' kind of attitude (does this mean they're worried they can't control themselves perhaps?). It seems like these same T's are also not hugging because they're worried it could be held against them in some way if they are ever sued by a client for 'abusing the transference relationship.' They may also want to make sure they aren't leading a client on, or confusing a client, or triggering an abuse memory... strong transference causes people to sometimes interpret the smallest things as signs their T shares their feelings. Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I should know more of your story, but I'm just super ADD, LOL. It sounds like in your case, you aren't triggered by hand holding, you're not confused and don't think it's a sign the T want's to do you, and you're not worried about suddenly putting the moves on your T since she's sitting so close. I say, if it's not sexual, then it's just a Fin hug, or a hand touching a hand, what's the big deal?!! So on that note, I'm happy your T came around and saw the light, and I hope it goes well for you! Congrats and enjoy your happy moment .

I have benefitted from a certain amount of touch in therapy, and my main T is always learning too. It does concern me that Rainbow, your T is doing an abrupt 180degrees on this. If she gradually tried new techniques I guess I'd understand. It seems like a complete turnaround of strategy---that would confuse me personally.

If it is too much too fast you have the right to let her know.

rain I think it is great that you seem to be getting what you need from your T . I hope after this seminar she is more trained in the use of touch in therapy then she was in the past .and is more prepared for what it might bring up in you and in herself. so that she doesn't feel the need to take that away from you again. I understand the mistrust . maybe a way around this is to make her be very clear about her boundaries. I mean very clear .ask questions and leave nothing for interpretation. it is something new and could be a great thing for you if it is what you want .as long as boundaries are very and nothing is left for you to run wild with interpretations. im glad to see you are seeming to look more towards way to heal so you can not need T so much instead of ways to continue T forever

Rainbow I am conflicted because in the one hand I am ecstatic that your t is allowing this again because it heals and helps you! Only you know what you need and you have been clear and concise that this is good for you, on the other hand I am worried about this pattern and it feels like t likes to have total control here and give you something and take it away again.

In a way she is recreAting the patterns of your childhood that caused this longing in you. I am trying not to be harsh and constructive but I am worried that when your t thinks that this isn't helping you again she will take it away and you will regress back to your inner child again and feel abandoned and rejected all over again

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wow, that must have been an intense/emotional session for you!

On the one hand I can see how amazing that must have felt. I've read bits and pieces of your story, and also have my own story to draw from experiences, and I know I would have been ecstatic if my T had of done that with me.

I had a past T who was fairly firm on the no-touch thing with certain clients. She said that while touch can be very helpful and healing with some people, that she had to tread carefully with those who had attachment things going on. This is what I worry about with you (and I would me too!). While it probably feels really comforting in the moment, my worry is that the expectations you have will just increase from there (naturally), and that it will become harder and harder for you to have this feeling again. Not only that, but I would imagine it could become even harder for you to internalize this feeling because you will always be searching for more. (When I say that I don't mean YOU necessarily, but people who may have attachment stuff going on).

That all being said, you're the only one who knows what goes on for you and your relationship with your T. I would just caution you to listen to your instincts, and keep very open the lines of communication with your T. And of course, keep us posted

Kind regards,
Jacq

I'll respond to the new posts, but I want to say that I just finished emailing my T with my concerns. It was a long email; I probably could have condensed it, but I'm not big on revising my writing. I wrote that I wanted to point out HER pattern, and hoped it was not presumptuous or crossing boundaries to do so. She knows most of what I wrote; I reiterated how it felt to allow touch, to take it away, and then to bring it back full force. I said I don't want to be a guinea pig, and while I admired her enthusiasm, we should look at this as an experiment. I wrote a lot more, and made sure she knew that I benefited from yesterday, that I was just overwhelmed by her changing her mind.

I didn't write because I needed the connection; I wanted her to know my reactions and feelings. As usual, I won't get a reply but I always feel better to know that she will read my email and know how I feel.

Something I found reassuring was the way the touching experience felt "clinical" because she kept checking on what I felt and where, almost like a medical doctor! It made any fantasies about touching T and feeling attracted, and any transference disappear! That's a positive for me. I felt the good feelings from holding her hand as separate from liking her. I probably shouldn't analyze it so much, and just see how I feel these next 2 weeks.

Thank you, Petra. You're right; it's not such a big deal except for my T changing her mind about it. She wants to use touch as a technique for healing, using the SE (somatic experiencing) approach. Although it feels right for me, I'm a little wary.

Thanks, growly. I want to explain that my T has been doing SE for a few years, and the inclusion of touch in that type of therapy is a known fact. We did try it once, but that was the time it backfired, and holding her hands was a disaster that session also. Until then, she was fine with my holding her hand when I asked. She's always asked if she was sitting too close or too far from me, and has been willing to move her chair closer or further. We always hug at the end of the session. So touch has been a part of my therapy in some way, just not in the way we did it yesterday. But, yes it concerns me which is why I posted, and emailed my T about it.

Thank you, granite. It sounds like my T is getting more and more training in SE, and learning how to use touch safely. I'm aware that if I get triggered, it wouldn't be good for me. Holding her hand always felt safe to me, though, and still does. That's what she's looking for--signs in my body of how I feel, whether settled, calm, anxious, excited. I don't think I can hide anything from her! Yes, I want to be able to do without T, but at the same time, I hope that she will be available as my T for as long as it works out for both of us.

Thanks, mona. Yes, I understand your concerns and I have them too. I asked T and she said she is not going to change her mind, but actions speak louder than words. Part of me can't trust her about that, but then again, if I do get triggered in the wrong way, it would be a valid reason to stop. I know there's a chance I would feel abandoned and rejected but I think T and I have a strong enough, secure relationship to prevent that from happening. She thinks I'm more settled now.

I have the same concerns. Thank you for pointing them out to me. All I can say is that, for all of the time T held my hand in the past, it never triggered me. I had my fantasies about her, and some of my parts were "in love" with her, but through all of that, holding her hand was never about that. I don't think I want more of it; a little bit seems to satisfy me, unlike some of my other addictions.

I emailed my T my concerns and I will listen to my instincts. And of course I'll keep everyone here posted!

Rainbow....just....

Good for you Rainbow, that's excellent self-care. I hope next time you see her she can alla your concerns and that it all works out for you.