Thank you all so much for your responses. It feels good to know that someone is listening somewhere. Currently i am attempting to treat my depression through weekly individual therapy. I have tried probably close to 2 dozen different psych meds in the past and have no lasting success in that department. I do not currently take any. A dr once suggested that the failure w meds is the addict in me at work: I imagine that an anti depressant will take the pain away completely and am consequently disappointed when it can't causing the meds to b unsuccessful. but I think that's a cop out on their part since I am well aware that that's not how it works and my expectations aren't nearly that high. I also attend group therapy for female addicts w other psych. diagnoses. As far as sobriety I know a lot of ppl do not find 12 step programs helpful but I have had positive experiences with them and I attend almost daily. I used to have no problem asking for help at AA and getting involved but these days im paralyzed with fear.
Perhaps the most frustrating part of all is that I am trying so hard to change how I feel. I do not wish to simply wallow in my misery. Despite my best efforts though, results are not forthcoming. It's difficult to find the will to keep pushing forward when I follow all the instructions of my therapists etc and yet can't even remember what it's like to feel happy, content or okay in the least. I'm all but devoid of hope that things will get better. when I think of the facot that I'm willing to settle for better than terrible rather than contented ness in life I'm saddened further. i really just don't know what else I can do or what I can differently to ignite change of any kind. I feel exhausted from trying and putting on my happy face everyday is draining me further... but I'm at a loss when it comes to where to go from here to improve
Thanks again for listening all and any feedback is welcome and appreciated - B