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  #1  
Old Mar 29, 2014, 10:08 PM
bruinsgirl27 bruinsgirl27 is offline
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Location: Boston, MA
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Hi I am a 24 yr old female in US. I have struggled with depression as far back as I can remember and have been in various forms of treatment but so far nothing has helped. I've been grinning and bearing it thru the day for years now and I can't take it anymore. My solution seems to have been to fully isolate myself and now i am left dealing with the crushing loneliness of my own making. Due to a difficult failed relationship almost 2 years ago I was forced to basically restart my life and am still dealing w the fallout of that. I live w my family who loves me the best they can but to them that means making sure I am just okay enough to not embarass them regardless of how i feel inside. I have no friends (I used to have 3 very close friends and in the past few years they have all separately moved to different parts of the country and are living happy normal lives while I stay behind spinning my wheels in the dirt. I am in a "relationship" with a man who doesn't love me although he is not a bad person he is sick w addiction and so self involved due to that that I know it's an impossibility. I myself am an addict who has been struggling with recovery for years. I try my best to maintain sobriety now but I definitely am not perfect. However it's the hopelessness and the sadness that r suffocating me now. I guess I'm trying to explain why I feel this way but I don't know. I don't have some big sad problem that needs fixing I don't have feelings I need to sort thru I feel like I just have nothing but emptiness. Like I said I have no one to talk to and it feels like no one on the this earth cares about me at all. I feel silly posting here and selfish because I'm sure there's ppl that r so much worse off I just was wondering if anyone else has felt this way and has tried all the most often suggested means of changing it without success- but has somehow found a way out. I just want to feel like a person and I don't know how. Thanks - B
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Clara22, Curupira, Fuzzybear, MotherMarcus, Viuam

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  #2  
Old Mar 30, 2014, 07:58 AM
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Rohag Rohag is offline
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Hello & Welcome, Bruinsgirl27.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bruinsgirl27 View Post
...have been in various forms of treatment but so far nothing has helped.
At least you know some of the things that don't work.
Dealing with addiction is one battle. What are you currently doing - or attempting to do - for depression?

Please read around and make yourself at home.
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My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
  #3  
Old Mar 30, 2014, 08:38 AM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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  #4  
Old Mar 30, 2014, 10:12 AM
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Altered Moment Altered Moment is offline
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You are not at all selfish for posting here. Your problems are as real as anyones. Depression doesn't need a reason it can just happen for no reason.
Quote:
I don't have some big sad problem that needs fixing I don't have feelings I need to sort thru I feel like I just have nothing but emptiness.
That is depression. I would however challenge you on that statement. Addicts with depression often have alot of deep issues that need to be resolved.
Quote:
I myself am an addict who has been struggling with recovery for years. I try my best to maintain sobriety now but I definitely am not perfect.
What are you doing to maintain your sobriety?
Quote:
I have struggled with depression as far back as I can remember and have been in various forms of treatment but so far nothing has helped. I've been grinning and bearing it thru the day for years now and I can't take it anymore.
Don't give up on treatment for it. Grinning and bearing it on your own is not the best way to treat it.

I don't mean to sound preachy. I myself am a recovering alcoholic addict who has had depression my whole life so I do have some perspective on it. Please keep posting here. Both addiction and depression are serious diseases and need treatment. You are not alone.
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The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman

Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun.
Recovering Alcoholic and Addict
Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide.

Male, 50

Fetzima 80mg
Lamictal 100mg
Remeron 30mg for sleep
Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back
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Thanks for this!
MotherMarcus
  #5  
Old Mar 30, 2014, 04:07 PM
bruinsgirl27 bruinsgirl27 is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: Boston, MA
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Thank you all so much for your responses. It feels good to know that someone is listening somewhere. Currently i am attempting to treat my depression through weekly individual therapy. I have tried probably close to 2 dozen different psych meds in the past and have no lasting success in that department. I do not currently take any. A dr once suggested that the failure w meds is the addict in me at work: I imagine that an anti depressant will take the pain away completely and am consequently disappointed when it can't causing the meds to b unsuccessful. but I think that's a cop out on their part since I am well aware that that's not how it works and my expectations aren't nearly that high. I also attend group therapy for female addicts w other psych. diagnoses. As far as sobriety I know a lot of ppl do not find 12 step programs helpful but I have had positive experiences with them and I attend almost daily. I used to have no problem asking for help at AA and getting involved but these days im paralyzed with fear.
Perhaps the most frustrating part of all is that I am trying so hard to change how I feel. I do not wish to simply wallow in my misery. Despite my best efforts though, results are not forthcoming. It's difficult to find the will to keep pushing forward when I follow all the instructions of my therapists etc and yet can't even remember what it's like to feel happy, content or okay in the least. I'm all but devoid of hope that things will get better. when I think of the facot that I'm willing to settle for better than terrible rather than contented ness in life I'm saddened further. i really just don't know what else I can do or what I can differently to ignite change of any kind. I feel exhausted from trying and putting on my happy face everyday is draining me further... but I'm at a loss when it comes to where to go from here to improve
Thanks again for listening all and any feedback is welcome and appreciated - B
Hugs from:
MotherMarcus
  #6  
Old Mar 30, 2014, 04:49 PM
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yumi yumi is offline
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Hi...a MAJOR thing that caught my eye in your post was that you are with a man that does not love you.
Please, please, please consider leaving this relationship. From personal experience, its soooo easy to suddenly become stuck with no way out. Its harder to get out when you are depressed, trust me. Staying with someone who clearly does not love you will end up destroying you and everything and everyone around you.
You are WORTH being loved in this world! Please don't settle for anything less.
Hugs
Thanks for this!
Clara22, MotherMarcus, Viuam
  #7  
Old Mar 30, 2014, 08:17 PM
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Altered Moment Altered Moment is offline
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Our stories are so similar. It is so frustrating when you are doing all the right things. I will post more tomorrow.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman

Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun.
Recovering Alcoholic and Addict
Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide.

Male, 50

Fetzima 80mg
Lamictal 100mg
Remeron 30mg for sleep
Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back
  #8  
Old Mar 30, 2014, 11:00 PM
Viuam Viuam is offline
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Location: Caracas, Venezuela
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yumi View Post
Hi...a MAJOR thing that caught my eye in your post was that you are with a man that does not love you.
Please, please, please consider leaving this relationship. From personal experience, its soooo easy to suddenly become stuck with no way out. Its harder to get out when you are depressed, trust me. Staying with someone who clearly does not love you will end up destroying you and everything and everyone around you.
You are WORTH being loved in this world! Please don't settle for anything less.
Hugs
Yeah, from someone who is dealing with the fallout of a bad relationship, I could not agree more with what you're saying. Although I do not currently struggle with addiction, I see myself in so much of what bruinsgirl27 is going through. I am not a success story in any way, I can say that isolating yourself is the worst possible thing to do, hands down. I have slowly reached out to the two or three people that I consider my friends, and it has helped. You can't expect an immediate response from everyone. With some you'll pick up right where you left off, while others just might not be interested. That is in no way a reflection on you, it's just the way it is. Right now I'm about to move back to the US and will have to find a way to make new friends, I have no idea of how I can do that but I'll keep you posted. My friends here at home will become virtual friends, but I do plan to maintain those friendships by regularly making contact. Oddly enough, people here have helped so much, even if it's just to help me vent and commiserate. Sometimes I get brilliant advice that helps me get through the day. Welcome, the people here are really nice and usually know exactly how you feel.
  #9  
Old Mar 31, 2014, 05:57 AM
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Altered Moment Altered Moment is offline
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Location: Michigan
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Quote:
A dr once suggested that the failure w meds is the addict in me at work: I imagine that an anti depressant will take the pain away completely and am consequently disappointed when it can't causing the meds to b unsuccessful.
That is a pretty ridicules thing to say to you. Not at all true. For some reason meds just don't work for some of us. They have never been that effective for me either but I am still trying with them.

I know how you feel. I have been to thousands of AA meetings over many years, got a sponsor, worked the steps, many years of Alanon and did all I was supposed to do. I went to therapy for many years have been on every med there is and still this depression is getting worse as I get older. I tried working the steps on my depression and that didn't work. I got real resentful that the promises didn't really come true for me, that I wasn't happy joyous and free.

Be careful who you reach out to in AA. There are alot of people in there that also suffer from depression, a whole lot, but there are also those who don't have a clue. Some think that if you are on meds then you are not sober. Or you will get all kinds of feedback like you haven't worked the steps right, or just pray, or this or that. The best cure for depression is overtime is the best one I got. Sorry I don't have alot of hope to give you.
The dual diagnosis group I went to for two years was my favorite. It is frustrating when you can't get to meetings because the depression has you and you know it would help you. You might want to give meds another try as it can take alot of trial and error and different combinations.
I wish I had more hope to give you. It helps me alot participating in these forums and I also research and learn everything I can about depression and somehow that helps me.

I also have to say that I hate the Bruins being a hardcore Red Wings fan.
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman

Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun.
Recovering Alcoholic and Addict
Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide.

Male, 50

Fetzima 80mg
Lamictal 100mg
Remeron 30mg for sleep
Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back
  #10  
Old Mar 31, 2014, 08:02 PM
bruinsgirl27 bruinsgirl27 is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 6
It is really helpful to hear that there are others who know what I'm going through. I don't feel like such an anomaly ...
Yes Yumi, my current relationship has been a source of much sadness and frustration rather than the support and understanding I would hope for. As I mentioned he is an addict who is very much in active addiction. Although I do care for him and I believe he cares about me to the degree that he is able his drinking and drug use have him acting very selfishly. Using comes before me and even his own child.
I agree that depression is a major reason I am settling for this bad relationship. It's hard to see myself of someone of any worth right now. Also as I mentioned I have no real friends at the moment and my entire social life sadly revolves around him. And as little comfort as that brings me I can't imagine myself being strong enough to give that up.
Zinco- the views on mental illness in AA are definitely all over the place. I have seen a lot of ppl leave the halls scared away by the polarizing opinions of certain ppl. this is such a tragedy. I have also felt the frustration of doing everything I'm told in AA and not seeing the grand dramatic results other see. many times when I express this to other AAs their only move is to scour my program for wherever i MUST b falling short! You can imagine how effective this ideology is for someone w self esteem problems! the idea that lack of results in AA comes from lack of working a good program is hard for me to accept. I used to have a sponsor that also struggled w mental illness and she was wonderful to talk to but currently she has "too much going on" to have me as a sponsee at the moment *sigh* so I'm looking for another one at the moment. At least to have someone I can correspond w daily
Thanks for your continued support all. -B
  #11  
Old Apr 01, 2014, 03:13 PM
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Altered Moment Altered Moment is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 5,481
Don't give up on AA though. Probably half the people in there suffer from some form of mental illness. Maybe not that much but alot. You can make lots of friends in AA and hopefully ones that understand.

As far as your relationship I would suggest Alanon. I went for many years and it helped me alot. I didn't even have anyone in my life actively drinking or using, I just knew it would help me.
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman

Major Depressive Disorder
Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun.
Recovering Alcoholic and Addict
Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide.

Male, 50

Fetzima 80mg
Lamictal 100mg
Remeron 30mg for sleep
Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back
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