I am really upset with myself. I overslept and was slow in getting ready, so I was late for an appointment.

This happens over and over. I know a normal person would just apologize and not let it happen again. But I can't seem to do it.

This is what I do:

1. Rush to get there as soon as I can. Rushing means that I'm slow and clumsy and forgetting things and making stupid mistakes.

2. Apologize profusely and "know" that the other person doesn't believe my apologies and is assuming the worst of me -- that I'm selfish, rude, and stupid.

3. Sometimes cry to prove I'm sincere about being sorry. It doesn't work: it makes things worse. Try to explain why I made this mistake, to prove I wasn't trying to be rude or selfish. They don't believe me, and I make things worse because it sounds like I'm not taking responsibility for my actions.

4. Obsess over it a long time afterward. Tell myself that I'm stupid and worthless and that I should feel deeply ashamed of myself.

5. Want desperately to give up on anything and retreat to someplace so I'll never have to worry about other people thinking badly of me ever again. Want to give up because I'm too tired to try anymore.

6. I can't ever promise it will never happen again, because it will happen again. Not letting it happen again would involve energy and foresight that I don't have and can't imagine myself ever having. I'm too tired and beaten down to prevent it from happening, and if it was that easy to not let it happen, it wouldn't have happened the first time.

7. Tell myself I'm stupid and worthless because I can't make myself be reliable or responsible, and I should be deeply ashamed that I've let myself become this terrible, irresponsible person. Tell myself it's pointless to try to change, because I'll just screw it up. Get so exhausted and disgusted with myself that I just want to go hide somewhere and never do anything again.

8. When other people criticize me for being self-defeatist and not trying hard enough, it just makes me want to retreat even more. I despair of ever getting motivated enough to change, and I must be a terrible, worthless person to not want to try harder.

My life would be so much easier if I could just not screw up. What will it take for me to want to change?