Thank you both. He's told me not to contact him before and come back to me but this thread and my ongoing therapy have made it apparent to me that I need to work on my issues with my father and how his addictions and NPD have impacted me in my relationships with men. My ex has a lot of his own work to do regarding his mom. She rejects him outright emotionally. I feel like my ex and I were teachers for each other. We both have extreme wounds from our opposite sex parents which made us leery of each other. If he comes back, I would like it to be as a friend. I'm unable to trust men and need to work on grieving some things so that I can feel more secure in myself.
Today in therapy I talked with my therapist about this. I don't ever fully emotionally commit in relationships and I know why. My therapist maintained that my ex and I could have gone to therapy and worked it out but distance made that tricky.
I feel surprisingly calm though that could be because I have a much bigger storm to contend with right now, apart from my failed relationship.
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