Fiancé Hid that He is In Therapy from Me, How Should I Handle This?

healingme4me · Apr 18, 2014, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sky Blueblack

UUUMMMMM are you actually sure about that?? Have you asked her whether they slept together?

I don't think that is true. That is having a friend and she obviously wasn't a friend?? I am sorry but I am not sure that I believe that hunny=(

xxxxxxx

Emotional affairs are more than friendships, they devoid the relationship of emotional intimacy and connection. Her description sounds less like just friendship, where it's occasional contact, and more like his filling a void in current relationship, as op's description went onto describe when it occurred.
There's much literature on what emotional infidelity is.
To me, if op states it's had a negative impact on relationship, then it's had a negative impact on her relationship.

Which, to the OP, is a high conflict relationship, where you want to be?

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healingme4me · Apr 18, 2014, 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rouge198

That's what I've been saying. He agrees. It's the long distance that's the problem. We had therapy immediately following the affair but our therapist was my individual therapist and it became clear that she was invested in us breaking up.

I guess I don't understand privacy in relationships. I very easily tell him everything.

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I hear you, about asking where privacy lines are drawn, and how considering your past with him, therapy is just another hidden aspect of himself.

Where T is concerned, I've read so much, where it's almost a moral dilemma to disclose, whilst in a relationship or even starting a new one. I lucked out with my current relationship, as there was full disclosure even before a romantic endeavor was pursued. Even a very deep outing of my past, in open, before relationship talks began, and vice versa. Depression/anxiety/past hurts, everything all out in the open.

Privacy, however, to me involves not hen pecking, which is what I need in return. Transparency is, a given, as it builds trust. Every waking moment accounted for, on the other hand, I cannot take another one of those relationships, too battle scarred to ever consider pulling that on him. Consistency builds trust. Honesty builds trust.
Was it more that your fiancé waited two months or the manner he expressed it with what shaky foundation that you have?

If I weren't involved, I feel, being forthcoming about therapy, would take alot. Most in my life, would never guess the amount of years, I've been in therapy or that I even see a PDoc.

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Favorite Jeans · Apr 18, 2014, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rouge198

You're right, actually, I do expect the truth all the time and I do not always respond well to it. Still I feel like he should tell me as I always tell him the truth - even when I know he will be upset by it. That said, your point about him telling me about the therapy on his timeline really resonated with me. I hadn't thought about this until now but this is actually one of only two times that he admitted something without me questioning out of suspicion. His behavior seems to have changed though so, in retrospect, I guess I noticed the effects of therapy before he told me. I digress.

Yesterday after our argument, he asked me how I could turn him telling me about therapy into something bad and then said that most of our problems stem from me not seeing him as a good person. He went on to say that he is a great person and I told him that I don't think that is true because he has lied too many times for it to be. He seemed hurt by that and said he also didn't tell me that he did seek help regarding his infidelity from friends and that they told him he was wrong to hurt me. I had long accused him of hiding his mistakes from his friends so that he looks good at all times.

What I don't get is what he admitted those things so late. Maybe it is as you've said and he doesn't feel like I can handle truth. He has said as much and mentioned that I thanked him for telling me about therapy only after I voiced displeasure with him for not telling me sooner.

I would have given him the opportunity to tell me but he says I don't reward him for truth and that he figures since I won't he has no incentive to keep giving it to me. So then he is naturally a liar and I am ask him to go against his nature? You shouldn't need incentive to be honest.

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A few things stand out for me in this:

If you don't think he's a great person, what are you doing with him?

What do you like about him? If it feels important to stay together, it might be better to tell each other what you think is great about the other person rather than focus only on what needs fixing.

Why did he tell you so late? Maybe he thought you couldn't handle it but more likely the fact that he's seeking therapy for CSA feels painful or shameful to him. It's probably hard to talk about.

It's not so much that one needs an incentive to be honest as that if the disincentive to honesty is strong enough, many people will choose to tell a story that they think will be better received. "Naturally a liar" often comes from a childhood (or a lifetime) where truth-telling could get you in an awful lot of trouble.

Outcast_of_RGaol · Apr 19, 2014, 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I don't think it's as black and white as you're trying to make it. Going to therapy means making yourself vulnerable, which is hard for most people and especially hard for some men. Telling someone that you're seeing a therapist means not only making yourself vulnerable in that moment, but also admitting to vulnerability and that you're exploring that with someone. It's a very personal thing, and even in a relationship, people are allowed to hold some things private. He told you when he was ready - and you got angry instead of thanking him for sharing that. Instead of a positive reaction, he got a negative one. For someone that is used to hiding emotions and struggles with being vulnerable, getting that kind of reaction basically says "this person isn't safe to share things with" and it encourages keeping secrets. It doesn't mean he's naturally a liar, it means he doesn't feel safe sharing thing.

I don't think it's as black and white as just he's honest or he's a liar. Is keeping something private being dishonest? Is sharing something when you feel ready, rather than when someone else expects to hear it being dishonest? Is it a lie to choose not to share something because you know it will not be received in a positive manner? Just something to think about.

Thanks so much for saying this... you've very eloquently explained how I view much of these issues in my own life. Including the part about how I pick and choose who is "safe" to reveal my personal struggles with. If I reveal a little and get a negative reaction, I'll remember that for a long, long time.
It's about feeling safe not about deception.

I would never condone lying but I have no problems with withholding information as long as it doesn't include deceit. And I think that there are distinct differences in that. But in truth, I've "lost" several relationships to people that didn't see the distinctions as I do... when I told them straight up that there were some things that I wasn't ready to discuss with them.

Perna · Apr 19, 2014, 09:45 AM

I don't know; if you are long-distance I could see it might be hard to bring it up, that he'd started seeing a therapist. "Guess what I did today?" just does not cut it with something so personal and important to one's self. He could be having trouble with who he is and who others are and boundaries, etc. and "giving away" that information might have been hard for him; did you discuss it with him at all, ask him why he did not tell you sooner? If you are not sharing your feelings with him (disappointment that he did not tell you he was in therapy sooner) it does not sound like he is getting very good information from you about you to better know what you like/would like from him. If you leave him without discussing this, I, were I him, would be thinking: "Gee, I share that I'm in therapy and it drove her away even though she said she was glad and told me to get help in the first place. Do what she wants and she leaves me; I cannot win.".

Apr 19, 2014, 05:38 PM

Well, he said that he could see things weren't going to work out and that I would not see him as good and asked me not to contact him anymore. It's been a day and I'm respecting his wishes.

We were together for years and had been engaged for a while. I am pretty good at no contact so I don't plan on speaking to him again.

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Apr 19, 2014, 05:39 PM

I learned from this thread though that people have very different perspectives on privacy in relationships.

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healingme4me · Apr 19, 2014, 05:41 PM

((((rouge198))))

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OneWorld · Apr 19, 2014, 07:14 PM

I'm sorry it worked out that way for you.

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Apr 19, 2014, 07:18 PM

Thank you both. He's told me not to contact him before and come back to me but this thread and my ongoing therapy have made it apparent to me that I need to work on my issues with my father and how his addictions and NPD have impacted me in my relationships with men. My ex has a lot of his own work to do regarding his mom. She rejects him outright emotionally. I feel like my ex and I were teachers for each other. We both have extreme wounds from our opposite sex parents which made us leery of each other. If he comes back, I would like it to be as a friend. I'm unable to trust men and need to work on grieving some things so that I can feel more secure in myself.

Today in therapy I talked with my therapist about this. I don't ever fully emotionally commit in relationships and I know why. My therapist maintained that my ex and I could have gone to therapy and worked it out but distance made that tricky.

I feel surprisingly calm though that could be because I have a much bigger storm to contend with right now, apart from my failed relationship.

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LaColibri · 07:47 PM

It seems like you have a lot of pain and doubt, all of which is completely understandable.

While it would have been best for him to immediately disclose when he started therapy, he did start to tell the truth. Every moment is a new opportunity. Could it be that through the process of therapy he's learning that it's safe to be honest?

One thing I have learned in both professional and personal realms is that people from dysfunctional backgrounds often lie because they don't feel safe telling the truth. On the outside it seems very bizarre. As they learn new ways of being, they eventually learn that lying no longer serves a purpose for them. It's tricky for us on the other end - and if you've read my previous post(s) you'll understand my struggles with dishonesty in relationships - but I do believe in encouraging the behavior we want. If you desire (and you deserve!) more honesty, then I invite you to consider expressing some gratitude that your partner is learning to be more honest.

cjw2013 · Apr 19, 2014, 08:00 PM

I felt the same as you in a relationship I recently ended "I feel I will never truly know him and that he will never truly be honest". How long have you been with this man? I was with mine for almost 5 years and he never opened up to me, would give me a little bit here and there and I caught him in multiple lies. It tore me up inside and caused me so much anxiety and pain. I had to finally leave once and for all for my own piece of mind. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, because I loved him, but I had to save myself from the misery and deceit. If you've been with him long enough where you think he should be more open and honest with you, my opinion is that he never will be and you should think about what's best for you. Good Luck!

nummy · 01:35 PM

Well, look at the silver lining here. If he's open to getting help (he went on his own? How many guys do that?), then surely he would be open to attending some kind of couples counseling with you. Would you consider that?

I'm not really sure why his getting help upset you so much? If it helps him be a better man and fiancé/husband...sounds like he cares enough about you that he actually asked for some help. I can't comment on the cheating, nor am I taking his side, but would you consider couples counseling to help you both? Marriage is a huge step.

Oops, didn't see your update til I had posted, sorry..

Apr 20, 2014, 08:38 PM

Mailing him the engagement ring tomorrow. Haven't been able to wear it since we hit a rough patch anyway - saw it as a reminder of what I would never have and as tainted since things didn't stay great after he proposed.
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