It isn't just feeling devastated. Your entire life is changed forever, you have no idea the impact it really has. The pain, the suffering, the guilt people feel, it isn't really some life lesson that people need, while yes it would be wonderful for everyone to learn "I should have treated him/her better when they were still here", is that really some kind of lesson you want to teach people? Is that what you want to use your life for? Is it guilt you want from them? An apology?

I had a bad childhood as well. I attempted suicide more than once so I know exactly where you are coming from. But looking back now after everything I have done to improve my life (still working on it) thinking on the things I might have missed out on, I can't believe that I could have died. I have lost 2 family members because of suicide, seeing what they miss out on in life, is terrible, seeing the lives they destroyed, that is even worse. I also lost a family member who had Cancer and one who had a heart attack. You never get over it.

Do you want to try and build a life? or find a place where you feel you belong? I have never felt like I belonged here, not in this world, almost like an alien. But we both belong here just as much as anyone else. Are you willing to get help or try something to make your life better?