Am I meant to exist?

Hi all. I have this secret that I've shared with some people on this forum, but I'm yet to tell someone face to face, like my family for example. My fear is that they will suffer more than I am, because it is shocking.

A few years ago, I was hiking in a mountain on a university class field trip in another country outside my own, about 500 miles from any doctors or anything and I got lost on this mountain. It was a large granite dome boulder field type thing with lots of death-dealing drops and slippery round boulders. Not long into it the inevitable happened - I slid and fell off of one boulder onto another below and broke my ankle. Luckily my one and only friend was with me and helped me up and tried to find a way down the mountain. At one point there were two boulders, one above the other with a huge, deep and completely dark crevice between them. Because of my ankle he had to help me down, but unfortunately he just couldn't hold onto me and I began to fall into the crevice. He thought for sure that I was dead, and so did I, as I was falling. I would say it was easily 30 ft deep, because no sunlight got in. I was convinced I was going to die, I was 22 at the time, and as I was falling it was like time was slowing right down. But, here is the whole thing. I was never depressed before that, I was happy, I had very good scores, was very good academically and very satisfied with my life. Yeah, there were some childhood problems, but I just never thought about it. So, as I was falling, this immense sense of contentment and relief came over me (!!!) knowing I was going to die. This was shocking, totally out of the blue, never expected it one bit. But, for the first time in my life, I felt really happy, and it was unlike anything I felt before, I had no regrets, I was ready to go. Anyway, I somehow made it out of the crevice, because of the way I fell, I landed gently and there was a "tunnel" that lead to flatter ground outside again. But, I couldn't believe it - I realized I was still alive and I immediately felt disappointed . This was terrible, wouldn't any normal human being be happy to have survived such a thing? My friend was ecstatic when he saw me emerge, because he thought I had died, I couldn't even look him in the eye. He thought it was maybe just the pain from the broken ankle and never said anything. To be honest, at that point I didn't even feel my broken ankle, no pain at all, because I couldn't believe what had just happened in my head.

Time went on, the broken bone and ligaments healed and I forgot all about it. I also asked my friend never to tell anyone about what happened that day, and just pretend like it never happened. Of course, he only saw the physical side of what happened and didn't know the inner thoughts that went through my mind that day. Nobody knows to this day. I completed another degree and all was well. Then all the problems started. It was when I developed romantic feelings for a girl in my class, who was just the most amazing person I had ever met. But, I am such a loser when it comes to girls, and I had never even known what feelings of love felt like before. I still don't. I just felt something so good when I was around her, so warm and beautiful somehow, even though I had no idea what it was. When we were done with our course though, she left after obtaining the degree and I stayed on to do another. It was only then that I realized maybe this was what love was and what I had felt for her. But, it was too late. We live 1000 miles apart. It was once this had happened that I began to feel so empty. I fell into a dark place and I tried to figure out what was going on. The more I digged though, the more unsavoury information I began to learn about myself. I realised after a year that I was one very mentally messed up, disturbed and angry young man with a list of problems as long as my arm. It all started with that damn hike that day . I got to the point where I said to myself why didn't I just stay in that damn cavern that day and just pretend like I was dead, so I would be left behind. Or, better yet, why didn't I smash my head on the way down? It became the biggest regret in my life, that I didn't take the "exit" that day. Learning all this stuff about myself after these incidents has opened a dark door into my soul, and exposed all the trapped issues I must of had as a child. And, this is just so confusing. I mean my dad was an alcoholic and my mom and dad should have rather got divorced than stayed together, the way their marriage was (and is still) going. He also did hit her a little, but mostly always just shouted a lot. I have never seen two people who hate each other more than my parents do each other . But, I never one moment realised it was affecting me in any way, I felt so happy always, what the hell was this now?

Then I began to find out more stuff about my past. I learned that I was conceived not naturally, but through IVF, because my mom could not get pregnant the normal way, or my dad couldn't make her pregnant, I don't know. They never ever said anything, but I began to realize something. I'm the reason they were forced to stay together and endure each other all these years. If it wasn't for me, they could've got divorced and found a new happy life with other people. It's all my fault. I'm a demon that has put a binding-for-all-time curse over their heads and they can, because of me, never be happy. I'm convinced that this is why these bad feelings are happening to me like a punishment for what I've done. I don't know why they wanted to have me. Nature was trying to tell them not to have kids. It was a mistake, I shouldn't have been born, I know it. It all began to make sense to me - the feelings of isolation I felt my whole life, feeling like a "fifth wheel" everywhere I go, a burden, an extra guy. I should never have existed. My mom has also been opening up to me (she is also just as secretive as I am) and has begun to tell me stories of what a living hell my parents marriage was before I came along - apparently my dad's drinking was a lot worse and he was very reckless. She was at the point of ending the marriage even maybe. Then, one day he said they should have a child and they couldn't. I know my dad very well and the only reason he wanted a kid was because he was hitting 40 and his biological clock was ticking, and because his siblings all had kids already. He's been like that forever, since I can remember, in constant competition with his older brother especially, always trying to do him one better. But, he couldn't have a kid and so he desperately forced his hand with IVF method to have one. My mom always just agrees with everything he says, he is in total possession of her. I asked my mom the other day why she said yes, and she just said "But if I didn't you would not have been here, and I would never have had a son". I know she meant well with that, but inside me I just got this extreme sinking feeling. To know that I caused all this dismay in her life, forcing her to stick it out with my dad just for my damn sake. I hate myself for ever being born. Dammit.

It goes without saying thus that since all of this I've never been the same again. I suffer from all kinds of major depression and mental strife or whatever but I deserve every bit of it. I've never told anyone about this ever before, but this is the first time. I'm too much of a coward to tell someone face to face, so I'm posting it here. I've kept this secret so long, but I can't anymore.

Since I realized all of this, I can't shake the guilt. I've realized that I'm an unwanted or unnecessary person. If someone does something for me, I've realized that it's at cost to them. I take someone else's place who deserves it more. I now totally understand people's reactions to me all these years. I finally get why this one guy felt so hateful when he didn't make it into the second degree course, because I took his place only because my marks were better. He is a better human being than me, in fact all people are. I don't deserve the chances I get in life, they are meant for someone else, I can feel it in my soul. That's why I couldn't have that girl either, in the universe's plan she was already "taken". There is nobody allocated for me, because I don't "exist" on record. There are no gifts allocated for me, because I don't "exist". I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be walking around, as a living, breathing human being.

And, just the other night, something happened to me, almost a repeat of what happened on that mountain that day. I was sitting down to read and I began having severe chest pains, like I was going to have a heart attack. Suddenly I thought back to that day on the mountain and I thought...this time I'm going to let nature take its course. I sat there, hoping to die, hoping to end it all, once and for all, so that the rest of the people I've affected, and the bonds I've effected, can be freed. I wrote down some stuff in a book, because I don't have a last will and testament yet, at 25 years old. It was just a few things to tell people, maybe at my funeral or whatever. I was once again ready, happy that this time it was going to happen for sure. I didn't even think of getting medical treatment or that maybe it was fatally serious. I didn't care, I wanted to go, more than anything. This went on for hours into the night. Then, the next morning, I woke up again...damn! I thought. Since then I haven't thought about it again, I've just buried it deep down, like everything else.

My only question is, should I open up this can of worms with someone close to me, face to face in a discussion? I had a T, but I couldn't even tell him. Also, I would definitely have to bind the person to secrecy, because I would never be able to let this come out.

I think you can't blame yourself for other people choices. Can you know for sure why your parents are still together? How can you say it was because of you. It is their decision, their life.
Anything of that is not your fault, trully, and if they stay together because of you, it means one thing, that they love you, they care about you and they want you to be in their life...they realy wanted a child, so you're meant to be here.
You're life-dead experience is a very strong one, and it can certanly change the way you see life. But once again you survived. How can you know if a person in that situation that instead of you died would not feel the same way during the fall. People barely think about dying until they see the dead in front of their eyes. You had a terrible experience that made you wonder about your life.
And finaly you can't resume your love to a girl that is know far away. I let go all the guys I ever liked. I thought about them for a long time after they were gone. But who knows what life will bring, how do you know you will not meet anyone else special as well, how do you know that you will not see that girl again?
Yes, that's a lot of things to contaminate you're mind. But in my opinion they are nothing you should be ashamed of. If you fill you need to speak to someone, someone you trust, I don't see a reason to not do that. Perhaps it will help you to let these gosts free.
I think you deserve to be here!

Sorry to hear you are struggling. First off about your parents conceiving you and you being the reason that they could not divorce is completely not true. They made their own choices to have you, to remain married, to drink, to fight, you don't own that, you weren't born with responsibilities, burdens, or a job, no child should have that on them. You don't own that. They made those choices, they chose to be unhappy and to live like that, you were a child, you did not cause any of that. You didn't force your parents to do anything.

You said if someone does something nice for you that you feel it is a cost to them. Why are you responsible for everyone else? or for how everyone else feels? or their emotions? While it is important to be considerate and kind to other people of course, it isn't your job to own everyone's problems or issues, you can be helpful to others, but you have to realize that if someone does something nice for you or makes a decision that they did that, they made that choice and you don't OWN that.

As for feeling like if you are supposed to "exist" or not, well you have been through some things that clearly make you question whether or not life is even worth it. Personally I don't know who here is meant to exist or not, I don't believe in all of that or that people are born with a purpose. People create their own purpose which i know believe me is ridiculously hard to do and that is something I struggle with myself.

Like I said I don't know if anyone is "meant to exist" but you were born, you are here now, so now all you can do is try to work on improving your life. So if that means opening up to a therapist, really opening up, medication, changing your life, making goals, rebuilding your self worth, etc. which takes time and effort, then that is what you need to do, because I know giving up seems like the easier option in the moment but you owe it to yourself to at least put up a decent fight once.

Believe me when I say I know exactly how you feel, because I am going through the exact same thing, and am slowly starting to feel like i "deserve to exist"

Thank you so much for those insights . I know individually that my parents do love me very much, but they don't love each other. I don't know why I think the way I do, but I can see the fault being mine in almost every situation I'm in. I guess it's what 20+ years of guilt does to your mind. Everything that goes wrong, I can see somehow the part I must have played in it. Also, in all the fights my parents had, I always felt like I had to choose sides, side with one and forsake the other. And my dad is just one person you don't disagree with, if you still want to keep all your teeth. My mom again is a complete pushover. My dad is just one of those people that believes he is always right, no matter what. His mom (my grandmother) is where he gets it from, because she was like that, just 10 times worse. Basically, both of them are expert guilt-trip artists, who will make people apologize even if they did nothing wrong.

That is why I believe my death would be a good thing overall. I mean, I know that it would be hard for my parents in the beginning, but eventually once they are over it, they would be finally free. As for the rest of the world - no more the dreary face of me to look into - that's gotta be great in all aspects.

It was not fair of your parent to put you in a situation where you felt like you had to choose sides, as a child that is completely ridiculous. If they still do that to you now then I think it is important that you separate yourself from them emotionally and physically enough to develop healthy boundaries and let them know that you will not put up with it anymore. This is why therapy is so important because they help you work through this guilt that you should have never experienced and help you understand that it is not your job or responsibility to constantly be concerned for others. Like I said before, you can care for them and be kind etc, but it isn't your job to always support them, fix their lives, or let them interfere or make your life harder by adding stress.

As for you dying, have you ever experienced someone dying? Really dying? Not just a distant relative, but someone you have known your entire life, that you loved, yes you may not have the best relationship with them, and I know that it may look like a good option at the moment but you have no idea what that does to people? They don't just move on or get over it. It doesn't go away or one day they will be free. They will never be free. They will always be devastated, always be destroyed. Death may seem like a dream, but have you ever really experienced or lost someone you truly loved? from suicide or anything? You are never free after that.

I understand that, and that people are devastated afterwards, but doesn't that at least make them realize that maybe they should have treated the person better when he/she was alive? It's kinda too late once the person's already dead.

firstly: Nothing is born or dies without the knowledge and direction of God.
Secondly: The only feelings in this life that you are resposible for are your own. What your parents did or didn't do has nothing to do with you, you weren't here to ask them to let you be born, so forget about it. If they are still togeather and hate each other and treat each other badly, that is not on you, that's on them. being involved in their trouble is not your role, you are an adult, you are responsible for yourself no one else. The way you feel, the way you live is all you, you get to make your own road to life, you choose, happy, unhappy, thats on you. If you are unhappy there are things you can do to change that. #1 Talk to someone that can help you figure out which of the things you are unhappy with that are your resposibilty, which are the ones you can change, which are the ones you shouldn't be bothered or stressed over. #2 Take on your own problems not everybody else's. #3 Talk to God, he is the great "I AM" that covers literally everything. Maybe your near death expericence was his call to you, showing how much at peace you would be if you followed him, maybe things have gone bitterly wrong because you have not taken him up on his offer of everlasting peace. I'm just saying.

It isn't just feeling devastated. Your entire life is changed forever, you have no idea the impact it really has. The pain, the suffering, the guilt people feel, it isn't really some life lesson that people need, while yes it would be wonderful for everyone to learn "I should have treated him/her better when they were still here", is that really some kind of lesson you want to teach people? Is that what you want to use your life for? Is it guilt you want from them? An apology?

I had a bad childhood as well. I attempted suicide more than once so I know exactly where you are coming from. But looking back now after everything I have done to improve my life (still working on it) thinking on the things I might have missed out on, I can't believe that I could have died. I have lost 2 family members because of suicide, seeing what they miss out on in life, is terrible, seeing the lives they destroyed, that is even worse. I also lost a family member who had Cancer and one who had a heart attack. You never get over it.

Do you want to try and build a life? or find a place where you feel you belong? I have never felt like I belonged here, not in this world, almost like an alien. But we both belong here just as much as anyone else. Are you willing to get help or try something to make your life better?

Your guilt could be a learned behaviour, as you said yourself, two close family members deliberately seek to make people feel guilty. Sadly it seems you were collateral damage. I think you need to talk this through with a T.

My male parent was also a guilt trip merchant, luckily he bailed on his family when I was about 6 or 7. By then I'd witnessed violence and mental abuse, I've always felt relieved he wasn't part of my life for long, but no doubt he's left some very deep scars on me.

I see what you mean. I know there's supposed to be all kinds of stuff to make me happy. I know I've got to build a life and have all those things that make it worthwhile - like a good job, house, a wife, children and all these things. I wish soooo much I could see the joy in those things but I don't . I'm such a horrible, damaged person. Everything I've learnt I've had to learn through hard lessons, very negative criticism and reinforcement, ample rejection and miserable failure. I'm so messed up that the negative things will always outweigh the positives for me, in everything. That's why I don't go to a T anymore, because they all just tried to convince me to see positives in stuff. That might work for other people, but it does nothing for me. You give me 1 reason why something should work, and I'll give you 10,000 why it won't. It's a coping mechanism for me - I'm convinced that everything and everybody is better than me in every way, and that I'll never with the greatest effort attain all those things that others seem to obtain so effortlessly, so I look for something negative to comfort me, so that I can feel a little better about myself and don't feel like such a failure for not being able to obtain them. If I can find fault with something, then at least I don't feel so hurt by failing to win it. I feel like such a horrible person, and that I'm hurting so many people. That's why I wish to die, so that this negative energy I possess no longer contaminates their lives. I want them not to feel guilty when I die, I want them to feel free, relieved, liberated and happy again.

I know how horrible that is, but yours sounds somewhat worse . It leaves deep scars, but they only surface much later in one's life sometimes, like they did with me unfortunately. I buried all this stuff nice and deep, where I couldn't access it consciously. There it sat, eating away at me, making me the monster I am today.

No you are not a monster, just very badly hurt. A beautiful object that gets broken, may be in pieces and perhaps the damage is irreparable but those pieces retain the traces of the former beauty perhaps in texture, or colour, or design. So somewhere underneath the scars is a decent person who cares about others so deeply that he blames himself for the things they don't or can't have. A monster wouldn't have those feelings.

Thanks for that . Yeah, I guess I am not as close to God as maybe I should be. I hear many people saying that I must choose happiness and everlasting life from God, but I don't understand what they mean. How do I "choose" it? How will I even know I'm receiving it? I don't feel any emotions anymore, I wouldn't even know if I was happy or not.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I just don't want anything anymore, I feel like I'm done with life. I am just an extremely abnormal person. All the things that make normal people's lives worth living doesn't make me happy (or won't have any effect on me emotionally). I'm just tired of living, I want to rest. I am totally mechanical in my life, I am a machine. I guess it's maybe from watching my parents fight so much - my mom was attacked when she expressed her feelings and my dad just couldn't deal with the criticism. That's where I learnt that if you show your emotions you get burned, so it's best to shut up. I know it sounds stupid, but I promise you, after 20 years of seeing that you begin to believe it in your heart and soul like a law.

I just don't see and understand like other people do. What does it mean to "choose" life over death? What does it mean to "choose" happiness. Just saying the words doesn't help. How have other people "chosen" it? What was their methodology? And, why does it come naturally to most people but not to me?

I'm sorry if I seem stupid, but maybe I just am. I'm just so confused and messed up in the head. It will probably take a lobotomy to fix me .

Last year I was at someone's funeral, who was a family friend. I guess it's kind of weird knowing that you'll never see that person again. But, I mean, I couldn't cry, I hadn't seen her for years before her death, because my family and these people grew apart for about 10 years. It must have struck me somewhere, but I don't know where, I never think about it. I absorb bad experiences like a sponge somehow and then it goes way deep, where it's out of mind, until it needs to wreak havoc in my life, then it surfaces.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I never process these things, I just bury it within me somewhere. It was the same with the near death experiences too, I don't think about it afterwards.

Sometimes, when I was younger and sleeping a lot more, I had the most vivid nightmares about my own death. I don't know why I dreamt this stuff, I just did. The images are so clear that I remember them to this day. In my dreams I have died in an explosion already, I have been shot to death, I have fallen into an open grave (in a forest). The last one is particularly disturbing, because no matter how I walk around the hole to miss it, I always fall in, and keep falling. I can feel the free-fall sensation in my sleep. I never hit the bottom. I remember the same thing happening to me in real life when I was 4 years old. I walked around the edge of a swimming pool, and there was a narrow bit between the pool and a high wall. I remember doing my best to avoid falling into the pool, but I did, and I remember blanking out. Then I remember opening my eyes underwater and seeing the pool filter. I don't remember anything after that, except waking up on the grass with all the adults very concerned and standing around me. I nearly drowned that day. I was only about 4 but I remember it clearly. That feeling of walking on the edge and just being powerless to avoid falling in. It's almost like an unseen somebody pushes you in. But, lately, I don't sleep 8 hours a night and I'm usually very tired, and that seems to make me not dream anymore.