Quote:
Originally Posted by ImNotHere
It isn't just feeling devastated. Your entire life is changed forever, you have no idea the impact it really has. The pain, the suffering, the guilt people feel, it isn't really some life lesson that people need, while yes it would be wonderful for everyone to learn "I should have treated him/her better when they were still here", is that really some kind of lesson you want to teach people? Is that what you want to use your life for? Is it guilt you want from them? An apology?
I had a bad childhood as well. I attempted suicide more than once so I know exactly where you are coming from. But looking back now after everything I have done to improve my life (still working on it) thinking on the things I might have missed out on, I can't believe that I could have died. I have lost 2 family members because of suicide, seeing what they miss out on in life, is terrible, seeing the lives they destroyed, that is even worse. I also lost a family member who had Cancer and one who had a heart attack. You never get over it.
Do you want to try and build a life? or find a place where you feel you belong? I have never felt like I belonged here, not in this world, almost like an alien. But we both belong here just as much as anyone else. Are you willing to get help or try something to make your life better?
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I see what you mean. I know there's supposed to be all kinds of stuff to make me happy. I know I've got to build a life and have all those things that make it worthwhile - like a good job, house, a wife, children and all these things. I wish soooo much I could see the joy in those things but I don't
. I'm such a horrible, damaged person. Everything I've learnt I've had to learn through hard lessons, very negative criticism and reinforcement, ample rejection and miserable failure. I'm so messed up that the negative things will always outweigh the positives for me, in everything. That's why I don't go to a T anymore, because they all just tried to convince me to see positives in stuff. That might work for other people, but it does nothing for me. You give me 1 reason why something should work, and I'll give you 10,000 why it won't. It's a coping mechanism for me - I'm convinced that everything and everybody is better than me in every way, and that I'll never with the greatest effort attain all those things that others seem to obtain so effortlessly, so I look for something negative to comfort me, so that I can feel a little better about myself and don't feel like such a failure for not being able to obtain them. If I can find fault with something, then at least I don't feel so hurt by failing to win it. I feel like such a horrible person, and that I'm hurting so many people. That's why I wish to die, so that this negative energy I possess no longer contaminates their lives. I want them not to feel guilty when I die, I want them to feel free, relieved, liberated and happy again.