The last few days have not been good. Did the intake yesterday, quite upsetting. Today woke up in so much pain, my back hurt, couldn't pee no matter what, jumped into a warm tub of Epsom salts, that and three huge glasses of water helped. When I got out there was a message for an emergency appointment with the psych nurse.

Ihave a bladder infection and she wants me to keep the appointments I received yesterday and keep calling about PHP. I can't take being w/o a car any longer and asked my neighbor I give me a ride to the mechanic. He said the only thing left was the inspection and it will pass now but he needs to see the insurance form before he can officially run it. Only other thing left to is renew the plates. Cost so much less than I was afraid of, really like my mechanic.

When I talked to my neighbor I found out what all the police, fire and ambulances last month were about. My downstairs neighbor killed himself. Another neighbor I had never met might also have killed herself, the cause was uncertain. My neighbor is an ex cop and has ways of finding out everything that happens around here. My first thought was jealousy, why did they succeed when I have tried so hard? I've been in a coma and gotten epilepsy from my attempts but can't succeed! I keep thinking if they had just let me die I would have avoided all these years of pain and humiliation not to mention avoiding the surgeries. I'm so afraid to try again because I'm sure I'll fail. Anyway the talk with the nurse curiously was helpful although she didn't really do anything beyond being supportive and order the antibiotics.