I just realized I have such troubles accepting my T's care because it doesn't make sense to me. What motivation does she have? Why would she care? Why should she? She doesn't have any ties of loyalty to me outside of what is professionally required (and she cares much more than what is professionally required of her). She doesn't have anything she is gaining from this. She doesn't have any motivation that I can see or understand. And that worries me because I can't guarantee that she will continue to gain whatever it is that she is gaining, and so I can't guarantee that she will continue to care. Geez...she has said that I was surrounded by narcissists and codependents, and I think that has changed my basic way of relating to others and understanding them in a fundamental way. If I can't give them what they want, I am worthless to them. The way of being accepted is to give them what they want. I gain my security from that. And so anything that I want that could run counter to their desires is immediately removed. And I can't really enter into any relationships without knowing what the other person wants because I don't know any other way of connecting. I have found a good substitute in serving others and volunteering for and around them. It allows me to "give" to them without being in a position where I am being harmed, mistreated, or abused. This is a pattern I developed at a very young age. But I don't know how to relate without that component. And it makes me so anxious to know my T doesn't fit into that mold, especially right now because I'm not paying her for May or June. But she is still herself and hasn't changed (yet). And that's so terrifying because I am not in control.