I'm in the same exact situation. I have to stop smoking, it makes the bpd a lot worse and I just want to get this bpd under control so I can move on with my life. But I am in absolute love with it and fell in love with it from a young age. I too feel isolated and alone, especially in this moment when my boyfriend has left me to go visit home, crazy I know. The thing I struggle most with is the abandonment trait of bpd. How do you handle being in charge of groups, and those with mood disorders and addictions at that? You sound very functional...I used to be that way but not so much anymore. But goodness gracious weed has its spell on me hard.