I'm addicted to marijuana and I have BPD

Anyone else here?

Not in the "I smoke a lot of weed to cope with things and it helps me chill out" kind of way, but the "My relationship with weed is to toxic that I really need to quit and can't" kind of way. BPD is also a big aspect of my overall mood cycles and my addiction problems...I hope some of us who are in the same situation can connect. I really feel alone/isolated in this. I feel like I always write in an almost standoffish-way when I'm on this board cause there's always something nagging me in the back of my mind (MJ).

Clearly I haven't been embracing an opportunity to come out about this and get support, even online. Funny thing is, I facilitate a support group for people with mood disorders and substance abuse (concurrent). I even facilitated one today and had smoked some weed earlier in the day. I feel even possibly triggered into using because of the support group.

I definitely have polysubstance addiction problems. Right now I haven't done any hard drugs in about 6 weeks but I'm like, wow, I'm getting so stoned all the time that it doesn't even matter. I just got this awesome new job, and I got stoned before I went in today and wasn't exactly prepared, and just felt so timid/ridiculous/stupid. Like everyone was looking at me like I'm a ****ing lunatic, you know?

I've actually done so much "treatment" and counseling half-heartedly for many years of my life. I think I'm too addicted to the whole bohemian lifestyle and not giving an eff. I'm sure one day I can be quirky in my own, clean way.

Also, weed is really taking away that "caring enough about my own wellbeing" that needs to be there in order to see a point in quitting. It's in there, but it's mostly a whisper. I'm always holding out until I hit rock bottom, because that's what's always made me quit in the past. Might as well get high while I'm waiting to get there is pretty much how I feel. In my head I know it makes sense to start dealing with this right now before I mess up this awesome new job I landed and start flailing on all my projects and goals.

Would love to meet and talk to anyone else in the same boat and do some mutual supporting.

Porcelain

I am dual diagnosis. Recovery/ Recovered Alcoholic for twenty years. I have had slips on pot in sobriety though. Three months and stop for a year. A little here a little there. Stop 8 months. I am not re addicted to it but there is a potential for it. Actively using I was a pot head 17 years. In the end I would use it to try to quit everything else. That only worked so long because it didn't pack a big enough punch and tolerance built up. Back to drinking. So I think it could lead to harder drugs if it quits working. In my case anyway. Weed is kind of a grey area. If you say your addicted and wanna quit then I think you should. There is no big physical withdrawal from it. Some how you have to break the addictive pattern of the whole process. Thinking about it getting it, play with it, roll it, smoke it. There is one thread about alternative to MA on here.

I'm in the same exact situation. I have to stop smoking, it makes the bpd a lot worse and I just want to get this bpd under control so I can move on with my life. But I am in absolute love with it and fell in love with it from a young age. I too feel isolated and alone, especially in this moment when my boyfriend has left me to go visit home, crazy I know. The thing I struggle most with is the abandonment trait of bpd. How do you handle being in charge of groups, and those with mood disorders and addictions at that? You sound very functional...I used to be that way but not so much anymore. But goodness gracious weed has its spell on me hard.

I smoked pot every day for 10+ years, heavily. I completely stopped about 3-4 months ago. Although I still drink a lot so I'm not a shining beacon of sobriety or anything. It started to make me more paranoid and was making my SAD worse - the thing you describe about being at your new job high is why I quit. I was sick of feeling like that.

I would suggest you make a rule not to get high before work. Coffee if ****ing awesome - just start drinking more coffee at work instead. You will get much higher when you get home after not smoking all day anyways so try to look at it that way. You don't want to lose a job that you really like over weed - it's just not worth it. And people can tell when you're really high, unless they're super-naive.

New Marijuana Study Says Everyone Knows You're High And You'll Likely Be Stoned Forever | Video | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Hey Porcelain, thanks for coming out about this.

I feel your situation, and go through it myself. I struggle with dysthymia and a generally crappy outlook on life, but MJ helps me disconnect from the monster and for a short while, I'm able to SMILE, and laugh, and stop the looping 12-track of negative self-thoughts in my mind.

Sometimes it is difficult to get through the day without it. I'm in conflict with someone in my life about it because it's one of the rare times or habits I am able to leave the darkness behind and have fun. I hate lying about frequency of use, but deep down I know they are right - I just don't know what to do.

Bad idea, the two don't mix as both involve too high dopamine.

I am addicted to marijuana and I have BPD.