I am sorry you had such a hard time as a child. You are not a child anymore and may be able to work things out for the better if you learn to express yourself by seeing a doc or t if you can afford one. There are new diagnosis and medications that could help you get through the process of getting better. Even if you don't want to see a doc or t you can read books and learn to live in the present and put all the bad behind you as you work on the present.