Is this normal?

I suffer from SAD (social anxiety disorder) and reoccurring depression. I have been anorexic twice in my lifetime (almost died 2nd time around) because my ex broke up with me...so I felt extremely depressed and stressed. 1st time I was anorexic was when I was an infant (see below). I have difficulty with interacting with others (sometimes) and I have a fear of intimacy (getting close to someone) and getting attached. As a result, I sometimes isolate myself from people. I sometimes feel inadequate and awkward when I talk to people because I don't feel like I belong and I feel inferior to them. I'm often insecure because of this and have difficulty with maintaining relationships (including friendships)...since I have a fear of getting close or intimate with others (I feel that I can't trust them or I'd think that they'd dislike me) and that they'd abandon me even though I want to belong and be accepted. I have trouble expressing myself due to fear

Background info: Sometimes I feel numb because the pain is overwhelming. I was separated from my primary caretaker as a infant... My dad was the only person who took care of me (fed and bathe me), but he had to work. During the day my maternal grandmother looked after me, but she didn't attend to my needs (she didn't feed me). Eventually, my aunt noticed my declining health. According to my paternal relatives, I was a very cranky child. I lived with relatives for a few years, but sadly I do not remember those years. My mother would talk badly about them (she hated them), but as a child I didn't know that until my paternal relatives told me the truth--at the age of 17, I finally found the courage to question them; since I have no recollection of what occurred, I have to blindly trust them. I remember wanting to live with them when I was younger, but my mother would tell me that they didn't want me there. As a result, I felt unwanted, hurt, and sad. I chose to forget my early childhood (3-5 years). I barely remember being 5. I remember that I felt hurt. I also suffered from reactive attachment disorder as a child (but it was never diagnosed)--I had symptoms. She'd also threatened to send me to foster care...which made me feel unsafe, inadequate, and unwanted. These events have a huge impact on my attachment style because I become fearful when I become close or intimate with someone--I'd fear that they'd leave and dislike me. My mind becomes blank which makes it difficult for me to connect with people or I distance myself to avoid getting attached. Like most people, I want to be accepted and to belong somewhere. I'd have emotional breakdowns as a child. During my teen years-adult hood, I'd suffer from anxiety attacks. I was very sensitive to criticism, but I learned to numb myself to avoid the pain. I didn't tell a therapist (in detail) because the memories are extremely painful. I felt misunderstood and I didn't belong. I sometimes isolate myself because I feel like I don't belong and no one understands.

Hello Psykick,

Thank you for sharing the above, that must have been hard to do. Is it normal? It is very understandable from what you have written. What you have wrriten explains why you are the way you are. Trauma from childhood has a massive impact on us. Your feelings of abandonment and feeling unworthy all come from back there and that feeling has continued. And if you could not express yourself, it is no wonder you feel you can't now. It becomes ingrained.

The good news is, the more you talk about it, the more the trauma will lose it's power. The realisation that this trauma has affected you means you can start healing. Are you in therapy now? It would be good to put all that in it's place. You are worthy and loveable but you need to feel that! Please keep sharing.

Hi Normal I don't know but it's certainly understandable. If most of the people in my life had abandoned or rejected me I'd have misgivings about getting too close to anyone. I think it's a good idea to talk about those issues and events you mentioned, just to get them out in the open rather than being bottled up.

Trauma has interfered with my life...because I have irregular sleep schedules and eating habits; I also lose track of time--I tend to procrastinate more often when I feel stressed. My hygiene quality decreases as well as I'm preoccupied with whatever bothered me. Pegasus: I'm not in therapy right now because I'm not in school--I rarely go out of the house when I'm on breaks...I fear that my mother would find out...and give me a difficult time. I currently live with my parents. I've never discussed my childhood trauma and explained how it contributed to my attachment problems because memories are extremely painful. I have been in and out of therapy though but for other problems (such as depression, anxiety, and school drama).

I am sorry you had such a hard time as a child. You are not a child anymore and may be able to work things out for the better if you learn to express yourself by seeing a doc or t if you can afford one. There are new diagnosis and medications that could help you get through the process of getting better. Even if you don't want to see a doc or t you can read books and learn to live in the present and put all the bad behind you as you work on the present.

There are low cost therapy options--I'll see what I can do while I'm on break because I feel too overwhelmed to go to therapy during the school year. Living in the present isn't that helpful for me because I still have those emotions--I feel that rejection is still inevitable and cannot be avoided. It's rather difficult for me even as an adult since I still live with my parents...(I can't afford to live on my own due to rising costs for standards of living). I'm trying to obtain my bachelors (it's my 2nd year of college).

I tried joining sports and clubs to overcome my SAD, but none of those worked because I still felt that people were better than me. I wasn't a complete loner during high school; even though I had friends, it was extremely awkward because I also felt inferior... I've struggled for years with negative self talk and my family members criticisms seem to make things worse--I could never measure up to their standards even though I tried. That would explain why I feel inferior besides my upbringing. I read about negative self talk or your "inner voice" as your parents' or guardians' criticisms.

Yes, those criticisms are ingrained. What happens in the first 3 or 4 years of a persons life is so critical to mental health. I've heard and maybe experienced that they can be overcome. It's very difficult but it's possible. You mentioned sports... maybe find some individual sports? Also friends... good ones are very important.

I agree that good friends are important. Problem was I befriended anyone because I craved the feelings of belonging and acceptance. I suppose that might help since your body releases endorphins (feel good chemicals) when you exercise.

Update: My mother literally made me hate my paternal relatives for many years because I felt that they've rejected me. I feel extremely guilty for feeling that way when I was younger because I learned that they loved me and cared for me; I also learned that they're good people--my great grandmother became ill, so my grandma (my primary caretaker at the time) sent me "home" to live with my parents because she wasn't able to take care of both her mother and myself. She would mostly mention specific relatives (one of my aunts, my great grandmother, my grandpa); she didn't mention my grandma, two of my other aunts, and my uncles. She couldn't make me hate my grandmother. I know she's insecure, didn't initially want children, and wants to boost her self esteem but that doesn't give her the right to tell me lies, make me feel inferior, and manipulate me to make me behave, neglect my needs or hate my paternal relatives. I've lived a sheltered life for all the years that I've been alive...so she was one of my primary sources of information. I did not know any better and my brain wasn't fully developed, so I didn't question her words. I lived in fear during those years until the age of 17 when I finally felt like I've had enough and decided to speak up. She got my "love" for a short time when I failed to see the truth. My mother wanted me to stop complaining and wanting to live with my paternal relatives, so she would tell me throughout the years that they didn't want me to live with them. She eventually stopped when I denied the fact that I wanted to live with them. Deep down, I was hurting and I denied it at first because I didn't want to feel unwanted. I felt helpless so I eventually stopped wishing that I was still living with my paternal relatives. At that point, I felt hopeless. I still feel that people would judge and reject me, so I encounter difficulty with speaking up. She made me think and feel like I was a "bad" child until I read articles pertaining to psychology and parenting and questioned my behavior. I wanted to find out why I acted the way I did and why other children wreck havoc (when they're young) as well. I have a difficult time trusting people because I've been deceived. I've had a difficult time forgiving her until I discovered that I should forgive her for my own sake (inner peace), so that I don't feel any worse.

I've felt inferior almost all my life which doesn't feel good. Ever since, I've felt inferior, I longed for acceptance and belonging somewhere...which has many consequences. I'd befriend anyone because that's how desperate I was. When I hit puberty, things got even worse. I wanted to date to feel accepted. Living with my parents, made me feel inferior because I've felt devalued and inadequate. I think my mother's hatred for my paternal relatives stems from jealousy and insecurity. She'd use manipulation to make me want to live with her and to behave. As a child, I feared the unknown, so I'd rather live with my parents than live at a foster home. Children need predictability for feel safe or at least more safe. Since, I want to be accepted and to belong so badly, I often have difficulty expressing myself. She has been using manipulation to obtain my love and silence me ever since I've lived with her (which is most of my life). I've grown tired of feeling inferior to other people. As a result, I became socially awkward due to feelings of inferiority. Feeling inferior, makes me lose motivation and concentration because I've never felt like I was "good enough" to do anything and that I'd almost always fail (if I succeed, I think it was just luck). Negative self talk only reinforces those feelings. I've struggled with negative self talk for almost all my life. Bad parenting has it's consequences on children's successes. I often distract myself to relieve my pain of feeling inferior to other people which only works for a short amount of time. Manipulation might give rewards in the short run, but has huge consequences later in life. I've sought out incorrect solutions to solve my problems because I couldn't identify the main cause until I self studied psychology and reflected despite the painful memories. I still have a long and tedious battle because knowing is only half the battle. If my problems had been resolved earlier, things would have been better for me, but it's better late than never. I believe that one of the most important aspects of parenting is understanding your child and why they're misbehaving...and empathize with them. Self esteem and self image is vital part of a person's life; therefore, creating a safe environment for children is crucial for their development if you want to raise healthy children (both mentally and physically). I wanted to run away from home as a teenager because of this. Luckily, I questioned my logic and didn't run away because I didn't want to live as a homeless teen.

I forgot to mention that when she's extremely mad at me she lies about my relatives telling her that they wanted her to take me "home".

Keep this attitude. It will help you through.