<font color="purple">Hi, I'm really scared......I know that there are others in my situation or have been.......I don't know what to do. I had my first full-blown manic episode a little over a year ago. I had been on Depakote and Lamictal for years but since I had never had a manic episode before my psychiatrist agreed to let me slowly go off the Depakote mainly because I felt so depressed. I was in a Master's program in Counseling part-time and working full-time. When people began asking me if I was manic (rapid speech, tons of energy) I said, "no." My moods became so erratic that I finally went out on medical leave for 10 weeks. I continued in school and did very well but started coming off the high about 3 months later - I refused to go back on the Depakote during this time but did agree to try Geodon and Abilify (and continue the Lamictal) - had bad side effects as I had with Lithium. By the time summer sessions began (I had two classes to finish my M.A.) I was starting to have cognitive problems - I had returned to work and felt slowed down, thought everyone believed I was crazy and incapable, etc. I continued my work with clients and have never doubted my abilities to work with others in a therapeutic role. I got a promotion to a Master's level Clinician in the same agency where I have worked for 5 1/2 years. My sleep has never gotten back to normal though I am working on it, I'm back on Depakote (last 4 weeks) and feel pretty stable today. Unfortunately the damage has been done.....I spiraled into a "mixed state" with horrible rages, crying spells and depression, still disorganized, still in school (post-masters for licensing), needing to file for bankruptcy due to the out of control spending (especially during April and May of last year), unable to pay my bills, taken out of work by my employers, and being sent by them to a psychiatrist tomorrow morning for a "fit for duty" evaluation. Even if they do allow me to return to work I don't know how I can face anyone - except for a few instances I had no insight into how unstable I had become again. The stressors are making things worse and even though I've dropped down to one class a semester the financial damage has been done. I do have support from friends but not from family. I don't drink anymore, don't do drugs, and am really trying hard to re-establish a circadian rhythm. I have so much empathy and respect for all the clients I work with but question if I'll ever be well enough to continue as a good therapist, find a position I can keep, get back on my feet financially, and feel any confidence in myself again. I'm just so scared. I do have a wonderful therapist as well but he can't solve my problems for me. I really need encouragement, support but don't want to drain my friends (two of them also have bipolar disorder). Deb </font><font color="purple"> </font>