I'm new......need help, support, anything

<font color="purple">Hi, I'm really scared......I know that there are others in my situation or have been.......I don't know what to do. I had my first full-blown manic episode a little over a year ago. I had been on Depakote and Lamictal for years but since I had never had a manic episode before my psychiatrist agreed to let me slowly go off the Depakote mainly because I felt so depressed. I was in a Master's program in Counseling part-time and working full-time. When people began asking me if I was manic (rapid speech, tons of energy) I said, "no." My moods became so erratic that I finally went out on medical leave for 10 weeks. I continued in school and did very well but started coming off the high about 3 months later - I refused to go back on the Depakote during this time but did agree to try Geodon and Abilify (and continue the Lamictal) - had bad side effects as I had with Lithium. By the time summer sessions began (I had two classes to finish my M.A.) I was starting to have cognitive problems - I had returned to work and felt slowed down, thought everyone believed I was crazy and incapable, etc. I continued my work with clients and have never doubted my abilities to work with others in a therapeutic role. I got a promotion to a Master's level Clinician in the same agency where I have worked for 5 1/2 years. My sleep has never gotten back to normal though I am working on it, I'm back on Depakote (last 4 weeks) and feel pretty stable today. Unfortunately the damage has been done.....I spiraled into a "mixed state" with horrible rages, crying spells and depression, still disorganized, still in school (post-masters for licensing), needing to file for bankruptcy due to the out of control spending (especially during April and May of last year), unable to pay my bills, taken out of work by my employers, and being sent by them to a psychiatrist tomorrow morning for a "fit for duty" evaluation. Even if they do allow me to return to work I don't know how I can face anyone - except for a few instances I had no insight into how unstable I had become again. The stressors are making things worse and even though I've dropped down to one class a semester the financial damage has been done. I do have support from friends but not from family. I don't drink anymore, don't do drugs, and am really trying hard to re-establish a circadian rhythm. I have so much empathy and respect for all the clients I work with but question if I'll ever be well enough to continue as a good therapist, find a position I can keep, get back on my feet financially, and feel any confidence in myself again. I'm just so scared. I do have a wonderful therapist as well but he can't solve my problems for me. I really need encouragement, support but don't want to drain my friends (two of them also have bipolar disorder). Deb </font><font color="purple"> </font>

Dear Louise,
my first advice would be to jsut take it a day at a time.
You can only do so much worrying.
The evaluation will be done and the results will be held confidential to only those with a need to know. Your immediate boss.
If you are rapid cycling now then maybe your meds are not right for you....only your pdoc and you can work this out.
I am really sorry that you are going thru this much stress.
I hope you have some supportive family members, sometimes we have to ask for support.
That we need help.
Having a mental illness unfortuantely has its own set of stigmas...we must fight for our rights.
I really wish this chaos slows down for you.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

<font color="purple">Thank you so much for your support bizi - I know I'm afraid to ask for it, especially when I feel so bad. The stigma hurts too. Working in a mental health agency doesn't exempt anyone from stigma. I guess I feel I've let everyone down, especially the clients I work with - they don't know why I'm suddenly not there. Thanks again, I'll keep my head up. </font>

I am so sorry you have gone through so much. It can take a while to get stable again after an episode that you experienced. How often do you see your pdoc? Can he help you resove some of your present issues revovling around the bipolar disorder?

Once you become stabalized your abilities have not disappeared. Maybe your confidence has. Maybe you have gained some insight into how unforgiving this illness can be. I am sorry it was so devastating.

Please feel free to PM me anytime. Take care.

Hi Louise,
You were intolerably depressed. You tapered your depakote with supervision and your illness took a turn for the worse. Please don't blame yourself. Your abilities are there still. I couldn't or wouldn't say I was hypomanic last summer, because it was the first relief I had in long time from depression. I was willing to take any holiday from depression even though down deep I knew depression would come slamming back.

Meta
ps. I find bizi and bipolar bear to continually be very soothing and helpful.

Don't worry about what other people think about you. If they choose to judge you for something you have no control over, then they are not worth your time or your friendship. You must concentrate on yourself right now and getting through this setback. Look how far you have come with your education. I am very impressed with all you have done and congratulations to you. It will get better!!

You might want to bring up to your p-doc about trying a low dose of seroquel. Seoquel is great for sleep and mood stablization. The main thing right now is stopping the cycling and getting your sleep/wake cycle back on track. You may eventually need a low dose of an antidepressant to get you out of this depression. If you need to take one, it should be at the lowest dose possible to prevent mood cycling.

What are your current med doses? Therapeutic range for Lamictal averages around 150-200mg.

Get some form of good exercise everyday. I would make myself do it when I was having an exacerbation of my own. This will help you with your sleep cycle. Morning time would be the best.

Hope this helps

Polarbear.

<font color="purple"> Thank you all for your wonderful support - I've been isolating for a few days which is not good I know - I've been thinking about everyone's responses - I've never had so much understanding and support before. I do have supportive friends but nothing like the support (and total understanding) there is in this forum - nothing can compare. It's Saturday around 8:30pm and I can finally say that I feel less depressed enough to actually read my email. Still struggling with the sleep routine - sometimes I am so stubborn and won't go to bed because I want to read something or look up things on the internet - does anyone else have this stubborn streak?
Oh, the results from the "fit for duty" report must have been received by human resources from the pdoc who "interviewed" me Tuesday - guess my agency has decided that they will approve a formal leave even though I am a "potential liability" to the agency and my pdoc will be required to send in reports every two weeks - then their pdoc will interview me again. I don't know if they'll ever be convinced - I need to believe in myself and my abilities and, as polarbear, Meta, Bizi, and bipolar_bear have all mentioned - focus on taking care of myself. Thank you, Deb </font>

"Still struggling with the sleep routine - sometimes I am so stubborn and won't go to bed because I want to read something or look up things on the internet - does anyone else have this stubborn streak?"

I do!!! There are always so many things I would rather do than go to bed, and I'm not good at saying NO to myself and being sensible about needing sleep. I get most of my energy late at night.

<font color="purple"> Maybe we need friends to "monitor" us at night to make sure we get to bed and get on a regular sleep schedule......have you tried the "visuals" like big signs over the computer screen saying "Sleep is good" and other techniques? I wonder if we just feel that we're not important enough to be taken care of and that we matter? </font> <font color="#000088"> Deb </font>