Well then stupid o'clock in the morning should be perfect as I'm not cognitively alert at that time thus less likely to be even capable of being less than honest.

Down side is I also struggle to string sentences together at that time in the morning too... but I think he's used to that

And thanks for the last part In truth that is usually what leads me to being pissed off with myself... I whine and moan that I'm not coping... yet next thing I know I've made it to the appointment which kind of contradicts my situation. Not sure if that makes sense... but, I'll put it this way: I don't like reading what I've posted previously (leading to some repetition due to bad memory) as despite thinking and feeling that I wouldn't make it till tomorrow, I actually did and therefore I've embarrassed myself.

Wife has insisted that I tell her when I've si'd (also a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable) for the given fact that I'm colour blind and have a high pain threshold (when it comes to things that creep up on you like sunburn or migraines... or infected areas) = I wouldn't know if the cuts were infected until they were really badly so.

Trigger warning, not saying that I encourage others too... just saying how it's worked for me... so please don't read into this.

Rationalised with her earlier today that though yes it may appear that I'm being stupid, it has oddly helped... my anxiety has lessened as have the suicidal ideation... it's something I can physically see and hold onto as a kind of anchor.

She is of the opinion though that she hopes I break this cycle, mentioned that I have a tendency to get hooked by repetitive actions (she mentioned this to my gp a few weeks back and I hissed through my teeth, was not particularly pleased that she said it) and she's worried about the long term.

With that said, we talked about it in a rational and calm way.

Still having low points in the day, point and how nice it would be to just do a final hurrah... but I know I can't and I also question how serious I am in these thoughts... to do it as a cry for help (there are times when I just don't think I can keep going... that I need help there and then, as in hospital) would be utterly stupid and very high risk if I don't actually want to die.

So I've disciplined myself to reserve the intent to die as it were for only if that's really what I want to do... as such I'd probably be questioning and self reasoning throughout.

Not sure if any of that makes sense.

Been a pretty big post for a topic header that indicates an inability to say anything, but a couple of days have passed.