I feel like I have nothing left to say

Been finding it harder and harder to post anything recently. Just feels like complaining for the sake of complaining.

Did trauma work with my T yesterday... had been dreading it and in all honesty I just feel more empty and down now it's done. We worked on grounding stuff that I could retreat back to if it becomes to much... but I don't feel like it's working and now I've had quite concentrated recollection to a number of things in my past that before would be fleeting and scattered memories that would pop up in isolation.

As such more and more memories have been hitting me today (for what it's worth and without elaboration... a lot of my youth revolved around repetitive physical and emotional abuse both at home and at school... was strong within myself despite it and found coping mechanisms... but it's certainly contributed to who I am now and (wincing at saying this) fractured how I see and process things)

Was irritated with myself during the session... I don't like talking about that stuff as in a lot of regards I see it as situations I could have prevented if I'd been smarter/stronger willed... I also see reflection of it as whining and boring... has made me a bit angry

Not sure if it's something that can be fixed or I can move on from... I know that they say 'for things to get better you have to tackle the things that make it worse'... but right now I'm in that worse part.. I acknowledge that... and I don't actually feel like bothering anymore... I just feel like giving up.

Oh well.

it sounds like you have been working hard and it has been a frustrating process. i too have been angry over the things t has asked me to do in my own trauma work. i would just as soon leave everything buried. but i know it is going to pay off one day so i keep plugging away at it. i acknowledge the desire to quit. i feel for you, but keep up the good work. take care.

Don't beat yourself up over the past look to the future and have someone else say that person guided me or helped me today and they were right.
You have so much courage and I tell you something else if you wanted to quit you wouldn't be on here. This shows you are stringer than you think and you have broken new ground well done in ur session. It's good to talk and after all today's stress go and treat yourself tomorrow to something nice and put your feet up and look after number one. You deserve it

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It may feel that way, but your complaints are substantive and well-presented. I appreciate your summoning the will to record them here.

Trauma work... A dark phase filled with dark memories and thoughts... I can't blame you for wanting to give up. Can you rest your mind - with or without formal techniques?

Following your journey...

Better to moan here than in real life, if it helps to offload here keep on doing it.

Thanks.

Just feel stuck.

Not even sure if offloading does any good anymore. Been almost 2 weeks since my gp said he'd refer me to a psychiatrist but still not heard anything and I don't have the will or motivation to go back to the doctors to ask if it was refused or just in the process of a long wait.

Getting more satisfaction from si and on the + side that is stifling the desire to do anything else (listening to suicidal thoughts)... a small fix that keeps me going. T spoke to me briefly about that, just saying that she wasn't going to condone or condemn... could understand why some people do it but that she wanted me to be careful, keep it clean and then told me a story about one person she knew who was excessive... the dangers that came with it (such as too deep) and that it turned her skin to leather.

Feel a bit in limbo right now... don't particularly want to live but neither do I particularly want to die.

pfft

All just seems pointless at present.

Oh, re redundancies.... I'm keeping my job but they've accepted my proposal of reduced hours which will kick in at the beginning of next month.

I cut down my anti depressants and don't feel good today at all won't be on here for a few days til I come back up keep the chin up and you can find a cracking job aim for the stars.
Goodluck.
Davy

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(((((TJ)))))
Nothing to say other then complain all you want here, it ain't complaining. Hang in if you please.

Hi TJ, good news about keeping your job and shorter hours should work better for you, right?
And about your session,just like you said, things can get worse before they get better, but it does sound like you're putting a lot of yourself into it. And to get something out of it then that's a good way to go.
I know that thought might not help much right now, but remember while things are hard, we're right here for you too. Hang in there and keep talking/sharing with us.....we're here to help you with this.
Alison

Figured I'd get up early and try to see my gp this morning, but transpired he is on holiday this week and I really didn't feel like seeing some doctor I don't know. Booked an appointment to see him next Wednesday at stupid o'clock in the morning (7am), I try to avoid taking time off work if I can, and that becomes especially now with recent developments.

My experience suggests it can be valuable to see your doctor or pdoc at a time of day when you are at your worst. It makes it harder to send false signals of well-being.

Best wishes for holding together until the appointment.

Well then stupid o'clock in the morning should be perfect as I'm not cognitively alert at that time thus less likely to be even capable of being less than honest.

Down side is I also struggle to string sentences together at that time in the morning too... but I think he's used to that

And thanks for the last part In truth that is usually what leads me to being pissed off with myself... I whine and moan that I'm not coping... yet next thing I know I've made it to the appointment which kind of contradicts my situation. Not sure if that makes sense... but, I'll put it this way: I don't like reading what I've posted previously (leading to some repetition due to bad memory) as despite thinking and feeling that I wouldn't make it till tomorrow, I actually did and therefore I've embarrassed myself.

Wife has insisted that I tell her when I've si'd (also a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable) for the given fact that I'm colour blind and have a high pain threshold (when it comes to things that creep up on you like sunburn or migraines... or infected areas) = I wouldn't know if the cuts were infected until they were really badly so.

Trigger warning, not saying that I encourage others too... just saying how it's worked for me... so please don't read into this.

Rationalised with her earlier today that though yes it may appear that I'm being stupid, it has oddly helped... my anxiety has lessened as have the suicidal ideation... it's something I can physically see and hold onto as a kind of anchor.

She is of the opinion though that she hopes I break this cycle, mentioned that I have a tendency to get hooked by repetitive actions (she mentioned this to my gp a few weeks back and I hissed through my teeth, was not particularly pleased that she said it) and she's worried about the long term.

With that said, we talked about it in a rational and calm way.

Still having low points in the day, point and how nice it would be to just do a final hurrah... but I know I can't and I also question how serious I am in these thoughts... to do it as a cry for help (there are times when I just don't think I can keep going... that I need help there and then, as in hospital) would be utterly stupid and very high risk if I don't actually want to die.

So I've disciplined myself to reserve the intent to die as it were for only if that's really what I want to do... as such I'd probably be questioning and self reasoning throughout.

Not sure if any of that makes sense.

Been a pretty big post for a topic header that indicates an inability to say anything, but a couple of days have passed.

I'm glad your feeling of an inability to communicate faded for at least a while.
Some people would be relieved they made it, and others might be proud. You (and probably me) felt embarrassed.

Why feel embarrassed? This is something (another thing) possibly worth exploring.

Or maybe not. Deep down I'm just plain ashamed of myself; hardly need a special reason to feel embarrassed...

This pretty much. I don't know about you but I'm ashamed of how I must appear and I'm ashamed of who I am... been a matter of course throughout my life to not talk, not express, not show weakness... and yet as you quite aptly put, I am ashamed that even though most of my thoughts are just that... I am the opposite to the strong person that I should be... the one that takes everything on the chin, overcomes obstacles and doesn't worry. Someone who is thinking of others rather than wrapped up in my own head mewling like a child

Hi TJ, the bit about not coping but then it gets to an appointment and.............well you've still been going though a really hard time in the inbetween haven't you?
That matters just as much as anything else. Making it to the appointment doesn't contradict anything, you've still been having those feelings/those thoughts, and you deserve help with that. No embarrassment there, OK??!!
And you know, I'd never be saying that SI appears stupid, it sometimes be a coping mechanism when nothing else works. Of course we want something else/better to work for you, because you really don't want to be going down that road, and with help..........but doesn't appear stupid!!!
And moving on down.........if at any time you feel you need real help, there and then, please don't hesitate in reaching for it. You know the score, crisis teams etc, just don't hesitate in reaching out for that help, it's not going to be saying you're weak it's going to be saying you're strong!! And you know, you are strong!!
The bit about: "the strong person that I should be... the one that takes everything on the chin, overcomes obstacles and doesn't worry" Well the size of the obstacles you're facing, I'd defy anyone to just take it on the chin. Depression is real, it absolutely isn't something anyone/anyone experiencing it can just "cast off". It really isn't!!
And ashamed.......you didn't ask for things to be this way, you're not just "letting" things be this way, you didn't "just "let down your guard" and..............
So, yes, I'd say you've shown/you're showing amazing strength in what you're having to cope with!!
And feel free to lean on your wife (I know she'd tell you to!! ), your (any!!) doctor, anyone, AND us when you're finding it hard. I know it seriously isn't easy, it's just about finding a way through it for you. And that way through doesn't necessarily have to be that far away.
Hang in there. Here for you.............
Alison

Thank you Took a deep breath reading that, taking it step by step and I appreciate both the content and I guess your impression of my 'strength' (might not be expressing myself very well there... so will just add 'thanks')

High lighted the above as that's a big part of what I struggle with.... consequences.

There are times when yes... I desperately want (need) help... but I worry about 2 quite big stumbling blocks to me.

1. being rejected. Would find that very counter productive to be told that I don't meet the criteria for the crisis team to help. Budget cuts over here and with the nhs as it is... means they are very selective in who they can actually help. My doctor advised less than 3 weeks back that as it stands right now, I technically meet the criteria... but in reality, there'd still be a good chance that depending on any given day, they just wouldn't be able to do anything and he (my doctor) was worried that such a situation could tip me over the edge (and in honesty I think it would be hit and miss with how I reacted).

2. Was it to all go to crap... how deep would the rabbit hole go. i.e. I suddenly find that I'm hospitalised (and I'm not saying that that's the only kind of help the crisis team give... just worse case scenario... well not quite worse case... but yeah I hope you know what I mean)... my concern here is the impact that would have - job, marriage (my wife is amazing... but she hasn't faced that, my one experience was before I knew her).

My work is even more so in a precarious situation what with them trimming down and making people redundant. Not sure what the legal ramifications would be if they cut me loose in that situation... but even if they couldn't, going back would be damn right embarrassing and awkward.

As such, those two reasons actually stop me from reaching for immediate help when I'm climbing the walls as it were... and by the same context it's very frustrating and perhaps dumb on my part... as those are also the times when I 'might' do something stupid.

I keep getting told that in those situations I should talk to someone... but I don't really want to... I'm usually in a mix of anxiety and misery... and it's the former that jumbles up my thoughts and limits my rationality... having someone telling me to talk at that time is more likely to have me wanting them to piss off, as for me to talk is going to = verbal diareeh and then I'll be embarrassed = more anxiety.

meh.

Sorry... I suppose this post has been useful for me to lay out how I see it as I don't think I've written or said this before... but yeah, that sadly how I see getting help when I'm in crisis and I apologise if it's kind of just appearing like a stubborn reluctance to listen to good advice (and I know what you are saying is right... I just 'worry')

Hey, if you can't complain to us, who can you complain to?

Sorry to hear you are going through this. The two cents that I can give you is about your marriage--I've found that our loved ones are often tougher about this stuff than we think. Getting the help you need might be difficult at first for you and your wife, but in the long run it's for the best.

Anyway, we're here to listen.

I just wanted to say that my experience with the crisis team has been that they are very reluctant to resort to hospital unless it's really necessary/no other options. They are much more in favour of care in the community. Which just means people coming to your house checking up on you for the time that you are in crisis. Crisis teams also have their own psychiatrist...so maybe it's worth considering while you wait for your appointment to come through. If you feel like your meds need reviewing more urgently that would probably be done for you.

Yeah I'm aware secret

I just don't want to be assessed again and told no like I was 5 months back.

Just feels futile and pointless... Which in turn leaves me angry and alone.

And now to make it worse, just discovered we have a bloody rat in the house... And I don't know what to do. Can't wake the wife as she's at work tomorrow but I also don't want to leave the dog downstairs in her cage... She literally just started growling and looking for it.

Bloody marvellous

Ffs...

Went to bed and now I'm just lying here wanting to just stop. Everything just seems so bloody pointless.

****

Hi TJ,
Re: the possibility of rejection. I can understand how, if you make the step of calling the crisis team (which would be a big one for you, wouldn't it) and they didn't want to give you some help, that might feel like a real knock-back.
But you KNOW that you're not going to be facing complete rejection regardless. You KNOW we're here for you whatever.
And if it's hard for you to make that call (which would be understandable) but you know you need their help...........maybe your wife could do that for you?? I get the feeling she wants to be there for you?
And excellent post from secret on the help they may give you, which wouldn't necessarily need to include hospitalisation. Then again if it did, then all that matters is that you're getting the help you need, right? Nothing else!!
I mean your wife's stood by you through everything (everything you've let out to her) so it's saying to me she just wants the best for you, if I'm right? Then you could always talk to her about the "what if"'s too, if you haven't already.
And work.........well you're much more important than allowing work to stop you getting the help you need. Much more important!! No job is worth keeping feeling the way you're feeling for!!

As for the rat.......well, a call to environmental health?? But until it's sorted "see/imagine the adorable side of it" . Used to keep pet rats and can be so nice, really!!!
I know it's not quite the same...........but just until it's sorted............

Alison

Well I'm awake... feeling bloody miserable right now

Went to B&Q (hardware franchise in the UK) and bought two different types of rat traps/killers but will wait before putting them down till the wife is back. Let the dog out of the kitchen and she made a bee line for what I assume is where it's (hopefully there is just one... being optimistic here) hiding and then started barking and pawing at surrounding area... part of me wants her to catch it but then the sensible part doesn't want her to catch any diseases so I've told her to leave it and she's buggered off into the front room to sulk.

Re asking for help... I'm just scared too... I have the crisis team number... but I really don't know what I'd say to them and as such I'm chickening out

Far easier to just feel miserable and cut.

Yeah I hate ringing them too. The only times I've actually called them myself was when I've been kind of drunk. The rest of the time someone else has called. Is it worth your wife giving them a call for you and she can explain the situation? It just might make things easier for you

I am taking both an antidepressant and an antianxiety med. I have my pdoc's OK to take extra antianxiety doses during those times when I feel my rationality may be in peril. (Sometimes it doesn't matter; the anxiety rushes on me from seemingly out of nowhere and there's no time at all to take preventative measures.)