i don't usually post, but i'm feeling super out of sorts right now and i need someone to calm me down.

i am obsessed with my t... i admire her and fantasize about being in her 'real' life as a friend, and i just have her on this pedestal which i know is not realistic but i cant help it. i overly obsess about her life and am always thinking 'what is she doing now.'

long story short, i arrived at my session super early last week and our paths crossed in such a way that i saw her smoking before our session. now, i have NOTHING against people who smoke, but i was so shocked by the experience that i can't shake it. i NEVER EVER EVER thought she would be a smoker. and, again, it's not the smoking that bothers me, but the fact that it 'humanized' her and she was no longer this 'perfect' being to me....she was just someone 'going about her day' and it made me realize how much i don't know about her, and how can i talk so intimately to someone who now feels like a stranger to me? there is so much more to this... in terms of how i've obsessed and gone to extremes to learn about her (behind her back) which i think makes this feel like an even bigger shock to me. i thought i knew her 100%... clearly that's not possible but i'm so shaken now i dont know what to do

* i have to add i've been seeing her for 5 yrs now which makes this so much more overwhelming to me