how do i handle this?

i don't usually post, but i'm feeling super out of sorts right now and i need someone to calm me down.

i am obsessed with my t... i admire her and fantasize about being in her 'real' life as a friend, and i just have her on this pedestal which i know is not realistic but i cant help it. i overly obsess about her life and am always thinking 'what is she doing now.'

long story short, i arrived at my session super early last week and our paths crossed in such a way that i saw her smoking before our session. now, i have NOTHING against people who smoke, but i was so shocked by the experience that i can't shake it. i NEVER EVER EVER thought she would be a smoker. and, again, it's not the smoking that bothers me, but the fact that it 'humanized' her and she was no longer this 'perfect' being to me....she was just someone 'going about her day' and it made me realize how much i don't know about her, and how can i talk so intimately to someone who now feels like a stranger to me? there is so much more to this... in terms of how i've obsessed and gone to extremes to learn about her (behind her back) which i think makes this feel like an even bigger shock to me. i thought i knew her 100%... clearly that's not possible but i'm so shaken now i dont know what to do

* i have to add i've been seeing her for 5 yrs now which makes this so much more overwhelming to me

i think a lot of people experience this at one point or another in therapy. i did the same thing idolizing my T, but the more i found out about her served to "humanize" her for me, to help me see her as a real person and not a fantasy character. i liked being able to start seeing her as a person. this is a good thing.

gross habit, if i saw my T smoking I'd tell her it was disgusting- I guess I have no manners- but still. you need to see her as human and fallible so you dont fall so hard when and if she makes a stumble that knocks her from the pedestal.

Have you talked to her about any of this?

Talking tends to help with these emotions a lot.

no i have a hard time opening up to begin with. not to mention it happened right before my session and i was so shocked by it i dont think i processed it until hours later. i don't want to tell her about it... b/c as much as i was shocked by it, i have a weird feeling that she'll filter what she says and does from now on so i'm not affected? it's a weird thing... as much as this upset me, my curiosity is so intense with her that i think i'd have more anxiety if i didn't have access to these moments that she thinks i don't see.

it's weird. i know.

You've been seeing her for 5 years, and yet you can't tell her you saw her smoking and it made you realize she's just a human like you? Something is wrong in your relationship if that's the case. Can you practice opening up and starting to tell her some of the more "scary" things you think and feel?

No, i'm just horrible at opening up in general. i can't do it with anyone. i want to so bad, but i can't........

Well, it's a good time to start. I can't think of anyone else who would be better than your T to practice opening up with.

the problem is i want to keep her on that pedestal which i know isn't right... i have in my mind that someone super intelligent and above the rest can help me, not the 'every day' person. the fantasy i have in my mind is destroying me. she got a degree, and this is her job. just like i have a degree and got a job. and yet this feels like such a different level... ughhhhhhhh it makes my head spin

I know it's hard. But can't you still talk about how it affected you without removing her from the pedistel?

Give it some time, sjkero. There comes a time when your therapist's flaws become endearing. Fantasy killers are jolting, but it will balance out.