The most stressful part is that I know all of these things, but I constantly have to hear them from other people over and over again. I know what I need to do, I have all the answers right there in front of me.

I'm just too much of a coward to act.

I keep putting my own well-being aside for someone else, keep making up excuses not to go.

It's so frustrating.

I'm not running away from my problems, I'm delaying them, putting them off, shoving them aside and I know it's not going to make it better.

I don't think it's best I'm afraid of facing them as I already said. It's because I'm afraid that my family might find out if I change, if I become a different person.

I want nothing more than to shake off all these nasty feelings, cleanse myself of the darkness and let in the light. I want to drop the shackles that's holding me back and embrace the impossible, make use of all the doors that are open to me.

Because I see them, I know what I'm capable of, what I can do with myself.

It's just these haunting fears, my weakness becoming so visible, vulnerable and I fear their disappointment.

Mental illnesses aren't a much discussed subject in my home, it's not really acceptable.

I've been giving my appearance a lot of attention and so far it's helping me a lot. I've begun working out more and I even picked up painting again.

I just hope next weeks appointment will help me take the first big step towards being rid of all of this.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, it's dearly appreciated.