I just don't have time...

Everyone here would probably tell me to go see a doctor asap and allow them to admit me to a hospital, I've been told to do it before and I did schedule an appointment, but I just never show up.

I'm too scared and too nervous.

About the wrong things.

I'm not scared for myself, but for my family, if they found out and what they would do. How it would affect them, would my mom hate me? Would my mom disown me? Would she blame herself?

And what of the house, who would be left to clean it, who would help my parents?

They can't do it all by themselves, they need me here to help.

What would the rest of my family think?

I just couldn't put them in that situation, they don't deserve that.

But I need help and I don't know how to keep up with all the lies I've told to hide it all from them.

I've gotten another appointment with a different doctor but I don't know if I can do it. I'll probably just conjure up a fake injury or something.

I would suggest just going to the Doctor, you don't have to go to the hospital even if it is suggested. They are not so quick at putting people in the hospital these days. He/She just might prescribe a medication for you and you will start to feel better. You never know unless you go! You will be of no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself. No one needs to know anything if you don't tell them. I hope you do the right thing and I wish you the best. You were right I did suggest the Dr. sorry!

Hello Nat92: This is actually something I know something about. Unfortunately this doesn't necessarily mean I have any solutions for you. I'm an older person now. And I spent the first 5 decades of my life denying there was anything wrong, hiding rather clumsily behind a mask of "healthy-ness", & fearing that one day I would embarrass myself & my loved ones by having some kind of nervous breakdown right out in public for everyone to see.

I managed to continue on this way into my early 50's. Then, at that point, following a non-life-threatening bout with cancer, it all came crashing down resulting in my 1st completely unanticipated suicide attempt. Things have continued to slide ever-so-slowly downhill from there.

So, what I want to say is, at least from my perspective, hiding doesn't work over the long haul. One may be able to hide for a few years, or maybe even several decades. But untreated mental health problems have a way of festering until eventually they manage to find a thin spot in one's armor. Then they explode outward. So, again from my perspective, you have two choices. You can either choose the time & circumstances of your treatment; or you can wait & have it forced upon you. I personally recommend the former, although this is not the way I did it.

That said, if you are simply not able to do what needs to be done at the present time, so to speak, if you can motivate yourself to do it, some things that can certainly help include: meditation, regular exercise, avoiding caffeine, eating a healthy diet, etc. I'm sure you've heard all of these things before, & they do help if you can put together a regular routine & stick with it. But, for most of us I would say, the help of a skilled therapist, & possibly psych med's, are at some point or another necessary as well. My best wishes to you!

The most stressful part is that I know all of these things, but I constantly have to hear them from other people over and over again. I know what I need to do, I have all the answers right there in front of me.

I'm just too much of a coward to act.

I keep putting my own well-being aside for someone else, keep making up excuses not to go.

It's so frustrating.

I'm not running away from my problems, I'm delaying them, putting them off, shoving them aside and I know it's not going to make it better.

I don't think it's best I'm afraid of facing them as I already said. It's because I'm afraid that my family might find out if I change, if I become a different person.

I want nothing more than to shake off all these nasty feelings, cleanse myself of the darkness and let in the light. I want to drop the shackles that's holding me back and embrace the impossible, make use of all the doors that are open to me.

Because I see them, I know what I'm capable of, what I can do with myself.

It's just these haunting fears, my weakness becoming so visible, vulnerable and I fear their disappointment.

Mental illnesses aren't a much discussed subject in my home, it's not really acceptable.

I've been giving my appearance a lot of attention and so far it's helping me a lot. I've begun working out more and I even picked up painting again.

I just hope next weeks appointment will help me take the first big step towards being rid of all of this.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice, it's dearly appreciated.

What are the answers that you have right in front of you? Maybe I could use a few.

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That you don't have to wait to get help until you're too far gone. That it's OK to be battling with things inside, but that you need to stay open for help. We're all humans, nobody goes through life unscathed, nobody leaves this world without scars.

That we all need help in some way and nobody should suffer alone. If we don't help one another, what would become of this world?

The first step is always the hardest, accepting what you're struggling with, realizing that you need help to get through - it's hard, it's painful and to some it's even shameful.

But it shouldn't be.

There's no shame in asking for a friendly hand, because one day you may see someone who's in need and on that day you'll remember how much of a difference it makes.

My problem is that I'm ashamed and I really shouldn't be. Perhaps it's because I'm fighting a war that no one can see. Perhaps it's the lack of visible scars, scars that some hide well.

And even those hidden scars brings shame.

The fact that nobody can see the signs or sees them when it's too late, just proves how oblivious most are to the wars we fight, the battles we lose and win.

There's too little information given and too many who knows nothing.

When you have to stand up and tell people that something is wrong, it leaves you vulnerable, scared and it's like being stripped naked in public, humiliating.

I'm not used to showing myself like that, to lay bare all my emotions and to ask for help.

But I must, when I face that doctor.

Only I can do it, because only I know how I feel.

No one can read your mind, no one can truly ever understand what you're going through.

No one will ever really know how you feel.

Because we all hurt in a different way.

I agree with you 100%. And you nailed it, shame is the prohibiting factor. I have found that there are safe environments where we can bare all and not be judged. A professional environment is one, this site is another.

I hope you find a good doc and the courage. You are right we should not have to suffer in silence. I to believe we were meant to help each other. I have taken risks and sometimes been burned. Just today in fact. But overall the risks I have taken have been well worth it.

I have to go Monday and bare all one more time to a pdoc and a T. I think we just have to be careful when and where we take the risk but the more we do it the less the shame and the easier it is to do.

Life is a WE game.

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