Oh Bronze, I am so sorry. It sounds like you're having a really rough time, and if I can relate to anything it is the healing and recovery from an eating disorder. It wiped me out physically and mentally, and I am feeling it may be the same for you?

Guilt is... well, hard. It is a difficult thing to break up those thoughts and work through them when they can be so obviously overwhelming and feel soul crushing (it's okay if it sounds dramatic, this stuff //is// it //hurts//). Guilt is a protective mechanism as I am sure your brilliant mind knows, dear. It is why so many mentally ill, terminally ill, victims of abuse/rape, etc automatically go "if I just did this and not that" or "if I just listened and read more I wouldn't have gotten an ED" to keep themselves safe. You're not wrong here, teacup. It's just your brain doing it's best to keep you safe. But it does build up rather quickly, doesn't it? It can be so scary. Just please know you don't have to deal with it all at once. Don't overwhelm yourself with that, just take your time and remember to breathe. It's all we can do in the end to get through it.

I try not to get into personal experiences too much because I don't want to make it seem like I need it to be about me, etc. But when I got diagnosed with anorexia, I felt guilt. When I went into treatment, I felt guilt. When I reached a point of recovery that I was now medically safe, I felt SO much guilt. Like all of the guilt I was covering up finally came out at me. I think it may be common with those of us with ED's?? Maybe. Then it feeds our depression/anxiety and it seems endless.

You are still capable of all you want to accomplish. You are possible. And well possible means a perhaps of sorts, so you are more than possible you are capable. Just try and put yourself first for a while, loads of self care and the like.

If you ever want to verbally speak to someone message me and I can give you my skype. Isolation is awful. Someitmes you just have to vent to another to feel... free from things.

Please take care. Sending many hugs, friend.