craving human conversation because isolation is unberable

I just need support. I need someone to vent to. I need someone to let me know I am, in fact, human and that someone out there does care.

I used to think things couldn't get any worse. I will never again say something so stupid. They can. They can get much worse. I remember sitting in front of my pill dispenser in February. When I heard him ask me if I knew what cyclothymia is (I do), I knew at that moment that I didn't want to bother with him anymore. So stuck on the labels, so stuck on throwing pills at me, he never took the time to actually listen. In Psych 150 and abnormal psych, I remember sitting through a lecture that tackled this very situation. Doctors that treated their patients like less than human, resulting in their patients giving up before recovery could be achieved. We, as humans, like being treated like humans. I felt like my pill dispenser saw me as everything but. Bipolar. Cyclothymic. Mood disorder NOS. Social anxiety. Avoidant personality. Make up your stinking mind. What am I? I can't answer that question, because I don't know. I don't even know who I am anymore.

There is a point to my ramblings. My desire to find help has not ended, it has only been stunted. Because I didn't like my NP, and my therapist retired, and they still have not set me up with a new one. I've been waiting since April. I hate medication, it made me feel like a zombie. I want to live. I already feel like a zombie,I don't need to feel more like one. But I feel stuck. I feel stuck. I remember telling my mom about the suggestion of cyclothymia, we had a good laugh, but inside it hurt. Because I knew the fact that he would even suggest such a thing proves that I fail at adequately expressing myself. It proves that I cannot explain what is going on in my head.

Depression is getting unbearable. I feel worn down constantly. Today, I went for three walks - all 50 minutes a piece - just to have something to do. I ended up curling up on my floor crying because I realized that this is my life. I laid on my floor for two hours. I have, as of late, found myself doing things like this a lot. Sometimes, I'll lie in the same spot, not a thought on my mind, lose track of time, and not even move - not even a twitch - before I realize how much time has past. I spend my days waiting for someone to visit. I'm always disappointed. I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I feel an intense amount of guilt - I blame myself for the eating disorder, I blame myself for the depression, I blame myself for my isolation, I blame myself for my social anxiety. I used to wonder what the 'guilt' symptom feels like. I know now. I feel as though I have committed a heinous crime. I feel like I deserve everything that is happening. And the worse it gets, the less incentive I have to try to get help again.

My anxiety has gotten terrible. I avoid crowds at all costs. If a place is too crowded, I rush home. I avoid calling anyone. I avoid everything. It feels like home is the only 'safe' place I have anymore, and yet being stuck here just further sends me into depression. And to top everything off, everything seems to be going bad at once. I might not even have a home in a month or two. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing at all. I remember seeing those Cymbalta commercials that said depression hurts, and I'd want to cry. Because back then, it did hurt. And I could relate to the woman who didn't want to walk her dog. Now, I think about them, and I don't know what to feel. It hurts sometimes. And then other times, it's... nothing.

My mom was diagnosed with major depressive disorder many years ago. She is currently in the midst of an episode. The other day, she admitted that she never knows what to say to me or how to treat me because she believes my depression is more severe than hers. That left me confused. She seems to have just as much 'hope' in my future as everyone else. Saying maybe I should reconsider professions, or saying maybe I should marry into the military (a common thing to do in my small town), or suggesting I try for social security. I don't know. Maybe everyone is right.

I just needed to... ramble. And I just need to know there are other humans in the world.

I do have one question, if anyone knows, how the heck does one deal with the intense guilt?

Hi bronzeowl. I am sorry your depression is getting so bad. I hate it when you go to someone for help and they won't listen to you. I get disappointed because my depression to often become medications resistant. In the past year I have been on Prozac, Effexor, citalopram, and now they have me on wellbutrin which seems to be working for now. Depression does seem to rob you of energy. I stay tired all the time. I walk around with a load of guilt. I know you are really hurting right now. I feel for you. Is there some way you can get a new doctor or therapist? My heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry you are suffering so. I don't know that I ever felt guilt. I just felt that god hated me, abandoned me, that I must be a bad person to have deserved such pain in my life. but I am better now. I was patient and found meds that didn't make me a zombie. it takes trying a bunch of different meds and really advocating for yourself with your dr. drs hated me because I wouldn't stay on anything for longer than a month. if it had side effects I didn't like I went off it. if it wasn't working I went off it. I didn't wait longer or increase the dose. I wanted something that worked. and I found the right drugs. it was all worth it. pain in the *** but now all that pain and suffering is gone and I am living a successful painfree life for years now. it is possible. don't give up. fight for it. take care.

Thank you both for your replies. My meds had seemed to help in the beginning, but after they upped the doses... gosh, four? times, it was a slow process of ceasing to do anything other than keep me tired all the time. I wanted so badly to keep trying to find one that might work, but a combination of feeling like my NP wasn't listening and struggling to find affordable insurance has left me clueless. It does help, if only a bit, knowing that I, too, might one day find treatment that works.

I've been trying to figure out a way to find a new one. I wish I could say I've been trying my hardest, but some days I don't have the energy to do anything. My mom's been pushing me to try, and I've been asking her for help as lately, I often have trouble knowing left from right. Let alone finding the resources to get help.

The guilt hurts. It's kind of like that, but directed at things that I logically know were probably out of my control. I try to remind myself that eating disorders happen.. that there's a predisposition, that no one chooses to have one, that it was out of my control... but that's one of many things that I just feel so guilty over. My mind plays these mental gymnastics. I think things like If I had gotten help before it got that bad, I wouldn't be this depressed now, and so this must all be my fault. This reasoning seeps into everything. No friends? I reason that it's because I isolated when the eating disorder was at its height, and that I deserve to have none. I could get a head cold and reason that it's my fault. I remember how I used to read about this guilt in my psychology books. None of them prepared me for what it really feels like.

Then again, none of them really prepared me for what depression and an eating disorder feel like at all.

It helps hearing that recovery is possible, even though I have trouble imagining myself there. I hope I will be one day..

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now... I go through feeling guilty because "I should know better" and know how to "fix" this. I "should" be able to pull myself out of all this crap, since I have found meds do not work for me (except maybe very occasional use of anti-anxiety meds, like once a year or so). All they do is take away my reasoning ability and increase the duration of the depression. Mine comes and goes in waves much faster and more reliably when I am not on meds... and I have the education and experience to have talked others through this same stuff, so I "should" be able to get myself through it... but the truth of it is that this sucks and I need help getting through.
I've found too many "professionals" that get stuck in the concept of diagnosis without attention to the individual. It's easier to slap a label on someone and follow the recommended prescriptions than it is to figure out what's really going on, and what will really help.
Depression and eating disorders can sneak up on you. They come in quietly and whisper at you. You can think that you will get through it on your own but then, before you know it, you need a crane to pull you out of a pit so deep you can't even see the light at the top... at least, that's the way things happen for me. Even if I happen to ask for help before I am too far gone, everyone is expecting me to be competant because I can still tell them what's wrong. They don't realize that by the time I ask for help, I'm barely hanging on... I keep having to remind myself that I can't be angry either with myself or with others because I have a penchant for understatement... I keep reminding myself that each day, I do the best I can with what I have. It's really difficult to remember, but I try. It helps alleviate the guilt for a moment. (gentle hugs)
Would you be able to call 211 and see if they can help you out? I know their duties differ by state, but I have been able to access at least mobile crisis through them, who then hooked me up with other services.
Sorry I rambled so much. I don't mean to take over the thread...

There's no need to apologize for the post. It helped reading it, because a lot of what you said made sense to me.. the eating disorder really did sneak up on me, whispering... I feel like I had no warning for what it would soon do. And in the beginning, I definitely felt like I could handle it on my own. And the depression, too. But there came a point - I'm not sure when, but it happened - when I realized I was falling apart and I needed help.

I try to remind myself that I do the best I can and tell myself that I always will, it helps sometimes. Today, it doesn't seem to be helping at all. The guilt today is unbearable. I used to know all my triggers, but it seems that lately I have so many that I cannot keep up. I have never felt more fragile, for lack of a better term... The meds.. they took away my reasoning ability, as well. I'd be willing to try more, provided I can find insurance soon. But I'm still not convinced they're for me. Sometimes, I just need to interact with another human. But I felt like... they were stuck on the diagnosis's without attention to me.

I would have to charge my phone, but I think I should have some time left on it. The place I used to go to gave me a number for their crisis, but I never found it useful. Maybe another one would be more useful, at least. I should charge it tonight. I can feel myself slipping, and I admit that I scare me sometimes as of late when that happens.

I don't think you took over the thread. Thank you for posting. I needed it.

You are not alone, some days I feel so isolated I want to scream. Those are the days I make myself go out and do something. Most of the time it helps and I feel better for interacting with people.
Is there something you can become involved with, that you like? Having something to look forward to, always helps me. I know how difficult it is to get involved when you feel so bad, but it can be very therapeutic.

I apparently subconsciously repress it, but it explodes in brief but intense self-punitive forms from time to time.

Recently, I literally have screamed because of isolation. I had went to my sister's, hoping it would give me a break from it. I stayed for a week before giving up and coming home, because every single day she left me there alone. To meet with one of her boyfriends, or our brother, or whatever. She'd leave before I'd wake up. And it got so frustrating, so lonely, that I literally screamed. I felt like I was going completely mad.

I actually feel like that a lot lately. I think recovery from the eating disorder is taking its toll on me. I wanted to think it was getting better. The pain is easier to deal with, I no longer feel like an Alzheimer's patient with my memory (it was bad. I have a lot of empathy now for people who go through memory loss and can't look forward to getting it back - I dealt with it for four months, and it was terrifying.. I can't imagine 4 years), and my digestive problems are slowly getting better. But I'm not sure. Its taking its toll on me mentally now. I often feel like I'm dealing with every emotion what I did had stunted at once - and I simply can't take it.

I've been thinking, a lot, about ways I can get 'out there'. Without funds, though, I'm not sure. Because I live in a small town so there isn't much in the way of volunteer work. This autism awareness group will be doing some kind of bake sell in September, but that's months away. The biggest problem there is lack of transportation and the anxiety. The anxiety makes it all a vicious cycle. I think if I can get help there, it might make it possible for me to find something. I have considered volunteering with animals, though. My social anxiety pretty much disappears if I have an animal nearby.

I think I repressed it for a while. It just keeps mounting and mounting now, and I just can't figure out how to face it.

Oh Bronze, I am so sorry. It sounds like you're having a really rough time, and if I can relate to anything it is the healing and recovery from an eating disorder. It wiped me out physically and mentally, and I am feeling it may be the same for you?

Guilt is... well, hard. It is a difficult thing to break up those thoughts and work through them when they can be so obviously overwhelming and feel soul crushing (it's okay if it sounds dramatic, this stuff //is// it //hurts//). Guilt is a protective mechanism as I am sure your brilliant mind knows, dear. It is why so many mentally ill, terminally ill, victims of abuse/rape, etc automatically go "if I just did this and not that" or "if I just listened and read more I wouldn't have gotten an ED" to keep themselves safe. You're not wrong here, teacup. It's just your brain doing it's best to keep you safe. But it does build up rather quickly, doesn't it? It can be so scary. Just please know you don't have to deal with it all at once. Don't overwhelm yourself with that, just take your time and remember to breathe. It's all we can do in the end to get through it.

I try not to get into personal experiences too much because I don't want to make it seem like I need it to be about me, etc. But when I got diagnosed with anorexia, I felt guilt. When I went into treatment, I felt guilt. When I reached a point of recovery that I was now medically safe, I felt SO much guilt. Like all of the guilt I was covering up finally came out at me. I think it may be common with those of us with ED's?? Maybe. Then it feeds our depression/anxiety and it seems endless.

You are still capable of all you want to accomplish. You are possible. And well possible means a perhaps of sorts, so you are more than possible you are capable. Just try and put yourself first for a while, loads of self care and the like.

If you ever want to verbally speak to someone message me and I can give you my skype. Isolation is awful. Someitmes you just have to vent to another to feel... free from things.

Please take care. Sending many hugs, friend.

I'm having the same problem. After being diagnosed some 28 years ago now, I am only now needing a support system from the shrinks' to get through a pretty rough patch.

I'm hoping to find out how to live again. A big part of that is going to have to be my making myself available on a level I'm not entirely comfortable with, but it's either that or die. Since I know I'm not allowed to make that FINAL decision, I have no other option but to try.

Understanding one's disease is entirely different than learning, at different stages in one's life, how to live with what one has been burdened with. My bipolarity, paranoia, and depression aren't all that I am. But when I'm on the far end of the spectrum, it's good to have a disinterested third party remind me that I am indeed worthy.

And, thank heavens for who ever invented the icebag. Whew.

All I know is that when the keening and wailing begin, then is the time to suggest seeing someone with a sofa to lie on.

Since you are not 'attached' to a professional right now, I'm so very glad you came here - it helps. I can't tell you what to do with guilt as my problem is being unwanted. But, I can truly say that each thought you expressed I feel also. Perhaps there is commonality in simply the disease no matter the feelings.

From one recluse to another: I am going to try and learn to live at a new stage in my life - mid 50's - and I do invite you to come along. At your age, (assuming I'm right) knowing my diseases and what they could do and how they worked helped me be able to maneuver. Maybe study would help?

I'm with ya guy. Peace.

Yes, it is exactly that for me. I tried explaining what it feels like to my mother, but I don't think she completely got it... she just looked confused, when I tried to explain what it did to me physically. My body seemed to go through stages of repair, and each one wiped me out. I remember, at one point, being so constantly worn down and exhausted... that I was trying to talk to the one friend I have remaining (an online one who has stuck by me through it all), and ended up breaking down in tears because I could barely stay awake. That wasn't just it, though. As well read as I always was, it didn't prepare me for many of the physical aspects of it all. I think I could live forever, and never find words in the English language to describe some of them. To say it was maddening would be an understatement. To say it is maddening would.

In some ways, I do know that. That it's protective. And that's where the 'mental gymnastics' come into play. When my inner voices (of which I have many now) try to convince me that I'm the exception.. that I really do deserve it. (It can be tough typing this, but I am finding that in some ways... it is helping) It builds up way too fast. Sometimes, breathing can be hard, but I'm trying to remind myself to do so.

I think it may be. I've spent a lot of time wondering when the guilt would end, but now that I can clearly remember the.. 'time before' (for lack of a better phrase here) and can clearly think about it all, the guilt has only worsened. My mother asked me if I thought I was.. recovered. My only response was "Physically? I'm close. Mentally? Not by a long shot."

Reading your post helped. A lot. Sometimes.. we need to be reminded that we're capable. I'll probably take you up on that PM. Thank you.

I try to remind myself that the disorders aren't all that I am. It got hard, when my NP seemed to make everything all about them, though. I hope to.. one day find out how to live again. I think, right now, that is my biggest goal. I remember my therapist asking me what my goal was.. He said I needed one, for the system or something. I was pretty out of it that day. I don't even remember what I said. I wish I would have said to live again.

That's what I need, I think. Someone with a sofa to lie on. As much as my online friend is willing to listen, I think there's only so much even she can take without charging me by the hour (maybe that was a joke in bad taste, but it's like they say, if you can't laugh at yourself, who will?).