Does not compute :-) Do you want the self-hate? Get all logical and refuse the ridiculous, the cutting-off-your-nose-to-spite-your-face that does not help you in any way but does mark/hurt you. You will not die of the desire to feel the feeling of ripping your skin open any more than a toddler will die of not getting ice cream or whatever RIGHT NOW!

Seek out and go give the blade you kept to someone you respect/who loves you and telling them how you are feeling? You have self-hate but they will not hate you, they will willingly take the blade from you and listen to you, try to make you feel better and the two of you can brainstorm how to get you help. Just unburdening yourself/putting your self-hate into words will diffuse the feeling, give it another outlet.