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Originally Posted by ozzy1313
I can relate to this post so much. My biggest issue in life is my guilt and sadness over my parenting. I have a 15yo and 13yo and thankfully my husband is great enough to off-set me. I have raged at my kids so many times. I yell and yell and say awful things and then Go back and apologize after, but the horror I feel inside is overwhelming. Going on meds has helped a lot, but it still happens. The worst was about a year ago when my son said he wished Daddy and I would get a divorce so that he could live with Daddy. Being a parent is so draining because most of the time I just want to be doing my own thing and not taking care of anyone else. I worry all the time about all of this.
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Yes parenting is a big trigger for me too. I'm sorry to hear you have struggled with this so deeply. It is very challenging to be a parent even without additional challenges such as mental illness. I know the horror of regret after an episode of acting out. Before meds I used to feel like my family would be better off without me then. Now it's much better, thank goodness. I'm glad to hear your meds are helping you too.
I always knew I wanted kids but was terrified of being a parent. Part of that is perfectionism. Part of that is knowing how sensitive I was as a kid and not wanting to screw it up. I realized though that I have to give myself permission to screw it up sometimes because that's just being human and I don't want my kids to be as keyed up about parenting as I am when they grow up. I want to model a different kind of behaviour. It's tough though.