Broke Their Lamp

Don't beat yourself up. You are human, and a bipolar human.

Pppptttthhh, broke a lamp? That is minor league rage!
4 years ago, I was punching holes in the walls. My wife locked me in the downstairs once, and I broke the ****ing door into pieces with my body. She was terrified, but I got counseling.

Get counseling, therapy, etc. best idea ever! But forgive yourself right now, it is OK.

Thanks for sharing. Shopping for a replacement lamp right now...

My kids and I talked about it matter of factly today. I apologized for scaring them and for breaking the lamp.

youre doing great.
it was just a lamp, you feel like crap, you apologised and went shopping for a new one and you talked to them openly about the incident. no damage done.

i think my kids and i were able to maintain a close and trusting relationship because i was open about my feelings and i always said im sorry when it was called for. they are now 22 and 19 and they still know how to push my buttons but we are really close and they are very supportive of me during my episodes.

Thanks for weighing in Anonymous46777. I think my oldest child age 9 feels some discomfort discussing my brain illness. But I strive for open conversation , age appropriate.

when they were smaller i wouldnt even mention it as an illness...
i would say stuff like "mamas just mad about everything today. its not all your fault. just give me a little space today" or "i know i dont seem sick but i am very tired and dont feel well at all. i cant take you down to the park today but if you want to use the paints and make something at the dining room table that would be ok today. i know youd rather go out. sorry, maybe tomorrow but for sure on the weekend when daddys home ok?"

of course on days when we put on costuimes and face painted and had picnics under the dining room table or painted the bathroom walls with crazy designs they didnt seem to need any further explainations. hahaha!

it wasnt until they were older (mid teens) and i was having anual inpatient stays that we even gave it a name. it was just me always telling them what was going on instead of trying to cover it up or soldier on for their sake that made it understandable for them.

Dear Love&Toil:

re: He always agrees but then nothing changes.
>> Have you considered marriage counseling to settle what I see as some uncomfortable and troubling issues between you and your DH that will affect your kids attitudes and behavior. IMO, parents (I'm not a parent) need to be HAPPILY united in their behavior, beliefs and parenting so the kids can respond without confusion, conflict or fear. As a child, I was often extremely aware that my parents were NOT in harmony or agreement and it made me feel very frightened and unhappy (they were frightening adults - especially dad!) There were serious differences between them and it affected us kids dramatically even if they never saw it or cared about it.
Good luck,
jim

Anonymous46777 - I think the younger kids just don't get it. They see me take a handful of pills everyday and ask about it but lose interest really fast. I like how you spoke to your youngsters about it.

Jimmy rich - yeah maybe that's what I should focus on with the counselor, how to discuss and address this issue with hubs so we can be on the same page. Good idea.

Yah gotta be careful. . Kids perceive more the most would imagine...... I have an amazing relationship with my kids now... my kids are the only thing that keep me sane right now.... our oldest still talks about fights me and mommy had when she was 2... she's 6 now.... they definitely recognize. .... I've had to explain to my oldest that daddy sometimes has problems staying calm.. that.im not perfect but I'm always working on trying to be better.. you'd be amazed at how well your kids perceive that conversation and seem to respect you more... or so it went for me.... at this very moment my 2 daughters and I are.on the.couch together and I keep picking on them while they try to watch a cartoon.. lol good times

Side note.. I have found apologizing to your.kids when you make a mistake. And being upfront and honest.. does wonders for your relationship and their respective and trust in your parenting....... I didn't use.to think this way in the slightest.. I personally have found this way is much less stressful and actually works better!.. gl in your choices

Thanks loophole, good advise!

I can relate to this post so much. My biggest issue in life is my guilt and sadness over my parenting. I have a 15yo and 13yo and thankfully my husband is great enough to off-set me. I have raged at my kids so many times. I yell and yell and say awful things and then Go back and apologize after, but the horror I feel inside is overwhelming. Going on meds has helped a lot, but it still happens. The worst was about a year ago when my son said he wished Daddy and I would get a divorce so that he could live with Daddy. Being a parent is so draining because most of the time I just want to be doing my own thing and not taking care of anyone else. I worry all the time about all of this.

Yes parenting is a big trigger for me too. I'm sorry to hear you have struggled with this so deeply. It is very challenging to be a parent even without additional challenges such as mental illness. I know the horror of regret after an episode of acting out. Before meds I used to feel like my family would be better off without me then. Now it's much better, thank goodness. I'm glad to hear your meds are helping you too.

I always knew I wanted kids but was terrified of being a parent. Part of that is perfectionism. Part of that is knowing how sensitive I was as a kid and not wanting to screw it up. I realized though that I have to give myself permission to screw it up sometimes because that's just being human and I don't want my kids to be as keyed up about parenting as I am when they grow up. I want to model a different kind of behaviour. It's tough though.