Thank you Pawn. I like that and I think it is great advice. It's hard to hold onto during intense pain. My pdoc says if I were to commit sui I would be losing a battle with mental illness. My husband says I would be taking the cowardly way out. Her definition feels like I have no choice, his feels like I do. I'm not sure. I just know that during these times, especially when I feel like the time has come to end my life, when rationality has completely left my mind, it sure feels like I'm ending my suffering and not taking the cowardly way out.