venting and my pdoc

**** TRIGGER *****

I'm listening to Tori Amos, someone who I adored as a teen but have hardly heard since. I find the nostalgia a bit triggering...maybe because I've felt so badly so much lately. I saw my pdoc today who turned to face me and tell me that she had a friend with children who committed sui and that children never get over it. She told me that in my deepest, darkest moments, when I think everyone will be better off without me, my children never will be better off with me. They need their mommy.

It has stuck with me and it was convicting to me. I think that I am a horrible mom (for numbers of reasons) and that my kids would be better off without me. When thinking rationally, I know that is a lie (I am a good mom, just a sick one much of the time) and call it what it is but the trouble is most of the time I am not thinking rationally, especially right now.

Right now, after her also telling me my illness is a severe one, I feel like sui is inevitable so why not go ahead and end it. She told me she wouldn't give up. UGH...not good feelings associated with that sentence--won't give up just sounds so permanent.

I told her that lithium is not my friend because ever since I've been on it the only pure highs I've had have been very short lived. She said it's those pure highs that make the course worse, especially if left untreated. I don't understand the difference though. I was still manic for the last month or more (or so she called it, I would have thought it was mixed) and I have been sui for a good portion of that time. For a short time, I was sui with strong intent. She asked me what kept me from doing it those days I had intent. I wasn't sure how to answer I told her my kids but maybe when it came down to it I was a little chicken ****. But, I feel like I a being conditioned to it...like every time I am sui, it becomes easier and easier to rationalize, to believe my soul will still be saved, to believe that everyone is better off without me because I am terrible and I am a burden. Anyone else feel this way? The lies outweigh reality so much that when I am sui I can imagine myself gone. I'm only 31, there is no way I will make it a full lifetime. Anyone else relate? How do you do it?

Cashart10 you sound like you are in a lot of pain. I'm sorry you've been suffering with and struggling with these sui feelings/thoughts.

I have found sui thoughts to have changed from the time I was a teenager to now. Then they were much more immediate, overwhelming, all encompassing and intense, but I *knew* at the time that I didn't really want to do it and I wouldn't do it. More recently, sui feelings are less intense but seem more... almost reasonable... like I could do it and it would make sense. But when I am feeling well on my meds and employ cognitive techniques, parenting skills (parenting happens to be my particular trigger) and am connected to my husband and supports, I don't feel like sui.

One part of this picture involves building a story for yourself of what you want your life to be like. It is difficult to build a life... sometimes you don't know what the next stage of life will bring, what it will look like, what you want from it. Sometimes we have to suffer through that discomfort until we figure out what gives us meaning. Sometimes it takes a long time to get to that sweet spot.

Hang in there, it's a journey.

Thank you love and toil.

I know what you mean, when I was a teenager, I would be rocking on my bedroom with a bottle of pills on the floor, crying intensely and just daring myself to do it. But I never would. And obviously never have. And I've never attempted it. And statistically, that is a good thing. But, when I'm able to rationalize suicide as well as I have been, my logical mind worries. I KNOW that I am a whiner and I'm sure you guys get tired of hearing it from me and I KNOW that my suffering is not worse than anyone else's suffering but I'm also pretty **** sure that I am much weaker than most people and completely incapable of suffering. The thought of doing it the rest of my life makes my skin crawl and it makes me wiggle and writhe. I just don't think I can and sui seems like the only escape.

But, I'm sorry. Seriously, sorry because I just whined some more in that post. I do hear you though. Part of the problem, I think, is that I need more direction. Right now it feels like my life has no meaning, it does in the eyes of my little ones, but it is hard to see that. I honestly want to go to work in some ways although I know my pdoc would be against it and my family wouldn't allow it because of my stability. I just feel it could give me more of a purpose. I didn't feel this badly when I worked. It could be argued that my illness has gotten worse since my last major episode and that it won't get better, but I don't think I'll know for sure unless I get back out there and try. I am almost certain, however, that no matter where life takes me, no matter the season, I will always deal with this wretched illness.

You are going through an intense journey cashart. You feel intense pain and intense pleasure. Instead of ending your life, live out your journey. Embrace your destiny. No matter how intense it may be.

Cashart10 maybe you don't have to imagine living it for the rest of your life. Maybe you can just imagine getting through today. And the next day. And the next day. Take it one day at a time. You are not a fortune teller. Your future has not been written yet.

Hey cashart I think u have it spot on with the tricky lies we start telling ourselves. You know ur a good mom u love ur kids. We all make huge mistakes parenting. But maybe those experience make us wiser. The depressed mind is full of lies.

Thank you Pawn. I like that and I think it is great advice. It's hard to hold onto during intense pain. My pdoc says if I were to commit sui I would be losing a battle with mental illness. My husband says I would be taking the cowardly way out. Her definition feels like I have no choice, his feels like I do. I'm not sure. I just know that during these times, especially when I feel like the time has come to end my life, when rationality has completely left my mind, it sure feels like I'm ending my suffering and not taking the cowardly way out.

I'm close to your age, and I don't think of the future any more. I don't have a solid plan, and I don't worry about what's coming yet. Theatre is my coping mechanism and I just live from audition to audition. Get one done, maybe get a part and have a show to do for a while, and then turn towards preparing for the next audition. Sometimes longer term decisions need to be made, but I don't know where I'll be next year, in 5 years, in 10 years. I just don't think about it. I can't, or else I'd be overwhelmed and lost.