i struggle with emotional needs. growing up, i was told how i was to feel, and my depression was minimized and stigmatized. i grew up with lots of loss and pain and so i learned that no one was going to meet my needs so i needed to either accept what people gave without complaint or not accept it at all. and i tried the latter.

i realized recently that the hole i have is because i needed my mom. i needed someone to protect me when my depression settled in on me and i needed someone to take care of me when i didn't know what to do. instead i didn't have that and i was left alone to tend to myself.

the people closest to me - my H, my best friend, and my t. my H because we got married and i have worked very hard to open up to him although i still hold back. my best friend became my best friend shortly after i was hospitalized. we were friends, but right after i was so broken it was easy for her to push forward. she worked really hard to get to know me and to care about me. and then my t because well, he's my t :P

i still feel pangs of guilt any time someone does something for me. when i had strep my H took such good care of me, tending to me, loving me, and i felt ashamed. when my t has gone to bat for me or encouraged me in some way, i have felt guilty. when my best friend has opened her home so i could get away from the kids, i have wondered how i would repay her when she doesn't ask for repayment.

i feel like a burden no matter how much everyone insists i'm not and no matter how hard i try to open up, i still seem to try to hold it in so i don't make anyone think i'm needy.