On Needs, Needing Things, And Not Wanting to Admit It

My T and I talk a lot about how I don't like to have needs. And it's true. I hate my needs. I want to be self-sufficient, and not rely on anyone else. It hurts incredibly when others let me down, and it scares me immensely when I have to rely on people for anything. I feel forgettable and easily abandoned. I feel like I don't stand out and if I don't constantly remind people, they will forget about me. So I try not to have needs, in case I am forgotten about and they aren't fulfilled.

But honestly, I don't even know what my emotional needs are. I know that sometimes I feel incredibly lonely and something inside me aches, but I don't know why. And I don't know how to go about getting whatever that is fulfilled. I don't want to sound desperate or needy. I don't want to be perceived as clingy or anything like that. And I don't want to intrude in other people's lives. I don't want to force myself on them or demand that they give me what I need if they don't want to.

I also feel like I have to punish myself whenever someone meets a need of mine because I was always told how much of a burden and a hassle me and my life were as a child. I was too difficult to handle, I got in the way, and I needed too much. Because of that, I felt bad and guilty for needing anything and I eventually stopped asking. I never asked for comfort, I never asked for anything material, I never asked for affection or encouragement, I never asked for approval. Nothing.

I also end up feeling like I need to pay people back whenever they do anything for me, like I am in their debt and if I don't pay them back in some way, they will come to resent and dislike me. I feel "one down" in all my relationships, like I owe everyone way too much and like I am constantly bordering on being rejected because I take too much from others.

I recently told my T how "messed up" it was to think like this, but that I didn't feel like I could do anything about it. She replied that eventually, I would come to see myself differently, but it takes time.

Does anyone have any thoughts about any of this? Any information on emotional needs, or how to ask for what I need without feeling guilty or like I am imposing on people? Or any similar experiences? I sort of feel like a freak because every time I mention any of this, I am told how abnormal and wrong it all is, which just makes me feel more like a weirdo.

I relate to a lot of this, keeping a very tight grip of my 'needs' most of the time. I admire your ability to maintain that self-control in your therapy too, because that's where my resolve cumbles and my needs go bananas.

What are your friendships like? Do you have any close friends that you feel confident you are welcome in at all times and vice versa? They, in my experience, are an absolute godsend (have had these kinds of friendships in the past, none available right now and think that's why I'm crashing) and WILL help you gingerly accept that your needs can be ok and acceptable.

There is nothing abnormal about the feelings you are describing. You have learnt not to value yourself or your needs because the message you received as a child is that you were a burden. You now have to learn to value yourself and see that other people value you too. It's a process and you are doing great
For what it's worth, "forgettable' is the last word I would think of to describe you. Your posts on PC are invariably wise, thoughtful, caring and intelligent. I was really surprised when you said your age on another thread, as you are so damn insightful- beyond your years! You are a valuable and valued member of this, an anonymous online forum, so I can only hope that people who know you in real life know how lucky they are!

No, I don't have any close friends. I have a lot of trouble opening up to people and letting them in. My T is the only person who knows me really well. Others know parts of me or pieces that I think they would be okay with seeing, but no one else knows me really well. I don't really know how to make close friends, or allow myself to open up and show them my needs. I end up coming across as aloof and distant because of it, and no one wants to be around that.

I don't feel like the people in my life value that part of me. Maybe it's just my opinion of myself dictating that, but I don't feel like people really like me in my real life. I feel like they are repelled by me for some reason I don't understand.

I have had issues with needs that were pretty serious. I was aware that as a child I was essentially told not to have any. It wasn't until more probing in therapy that I became more aware of the degree of neglect there was, actually abusive neglect such as not being feed properly and such. But I didn't ever complain. I was supposed to be self-sufficient and independent and invisible.

My shrink explained to me that a precious self-sufficiency can develop of there is a misattunement or other problem with early attachment. I had some pre-verbal traumatic memories that pointed to very little care very early on. When needs are not only not met but are not even recognized, then we deny we have needs and feel bad if we do. That helps us maintain our attachment despite the problems that exist with it. It is also for survival. While it does affect sense of self and therefore self-esteem, it doesn't necessarily stem from lack of self-esteem. It can have environmental sources.

[QUOTE=HazelGirl;3967850]My T and I talk a lot about how I don't like to have needs. And it's true. I hate my needs. I want to be self-sufficient, and not rely on anyone else. It hurts incredibly when others let me down, and it scares me immensely when I have to rely on people for anything .QUOTE]

You are definitely not alone in this warped way of thinking, Hazelgirl. It's something I have dealt with for a very long time. . . .I say a long time because I never talked about it or dealt with in therapy, until now and I'm a LOT older than you! I just couldn't find the courage to dig down deep and expose how raw and ugly those feelings felt.

My need to be self-sufficient meant that I never needed a man because I could take care of myself better. That deprived me of the close intimacy that a long term relationship gives a person. My ridiculous need to be self-sufficient would go to the extreme--I'd be so determined to do something on my own that I'd NEVER ask for help or borrow a simple tool to fix something. Instead, I'd find a way to do it myself and I'd go to the store and buy the tool I needed; even if I only needed to use the tool once. It's a recipe that leads to loneliness and it's taking self-sufficiency to the extreme!

You are young and you have time to really explore these feelings and reconnect/recreate brain pathways that mean greater and better functioning. Give yourself a little breathing room and credit. Try to recognize how honest you're trying to be with these feelings. You're talking about these feelings openly with your therapist, and I agree with her, it's going to take some time. I think recognizing your behavior patterns is the beginning of meaningful change. Hang in there.

I can relate to this so completely. I have one friend who I feel I can discuss this with. I told her that I find social situations difficult and I don't make a good impression when I meet people. She told me when she first met me I came across as aloof, which was an eye-opener for me as I hadn't really considered it, but now I see that is what people think before they get to know me (few people get that far)
Hugs for you Hazelgirl. You're not a freak, you are just learning to value yourself.

Yeah, from what I was told about my life as an infant, I was very neglected as a baby. My mom worked full time and my dad refused to take care of me. My older brother would take care of me in the morning, then go to school (he was in high school), then come home and take care of me in the evening until my mother got home from work. So there were many hours that, as an infant, I was mostly ignored. My uncle told me a story once of when he came to visit me when I was a few months old, and my father was "watching" me. He was asleep on the couch in the living room and I was in his bedroom with the door closed screaming. When my uncle went back there, I was laying in the play pen with a dirty diaper and was obviously being ignored. I'm not sure how often that happened, but probably more than that one time.

I know what you mean about the tools and such. I am the same way. I figure it out by myself, fix it by myself, and don't ever tell anyone else I needed any help. I almost feel embarrassed and mortified if I can't solve it on my own, and this even goes as far as medical treatment and the feeling that I am taking up too much of my doctor's time when I'm sick or have a question.

I hate it. I feel like I'm forcing myself on people when I don't act aloof, but I feel ignored and left alone when I try to allow others the freedom to approach me if they want to. I don't feel like I can win.

i struggle with emotional needs. growing up, i was told how i was to feel, and my depression was minimized and stigmatized. i grew up with lots of loss and pain and so i learned that no one was going to meet my needs so i needed to either accept what people gave without complaint or not accept it at all. and i tried the latter.

i realized recently that the hole i have is because i needed my mom. i needed someone to protect me when my depression settled in on me and i needed someone to take care of me when i didn't know what to do. instead i didn't have that and i was left alone to tend to myself.

the people closest to me - my H, my best friend, and my t. my H because we got married and i have worked very hard to open up to him although i still hold back. my best friend became my best friend shortly after i was hospitalized. we were friends, but right after i was so broken it was easy for her to push forward. she worked really hard to get to know me and to care about me. and then my t because well, he's my t :P

i still feel pangs of guilt any time someone does something for me. when i had strep my H took such good care of me, tending to me, loving me, and i felt ashamed. when my t has gone to bat for me or encouraged me in some way, i have felt guilty. when my best friend has opened her home so i could get away from the kids, i have wondered how i would repay her when she doesn't ask for repayment.

i feel like a burden no matter how much everyone insists i'm not and no matter how hard i try to open up, i still seem to try to hold it in so i don't make anyone think i'm needy.

I had similar things going on with me and for similar reasons with similar effects. All I can say is that when I found a therapist who knew about attachment styles, though he didn't explicitly talk about it, but I knew this is what he was doing, I was able to shift from an insecure (avoid ant) attachment to a more secure one, where he was a stable, reliable, responsive attachment that made it safe finally for me to have needs. It evolved over time and my whole personality shifted. You can win; it just feels contradictory now because it truly is.

I really relate to all this. I realized recently that I am so afraid of the world sometimes because I was never comforted or told that things would be okay by my mom. I needed a caring, sensitive, and attuned parent, and I got a resentful, insensitive, and misattuned parent.

I do have a T who is like this, and I think that's why I am becoming more aware of it. I have just started to get to the place, where I can trust and see that she is reliable and feel secure in knowing she won't change and is trustworthy. And I think that's part of why all this is coming up now.

I'm sorry to hear that; I went through the same type of thing so I know how it is both painful and also lonely or empty too. We are not alone. Once there was a thread here about the "mother hole" and it was amazing how many people responded and how similar everyone was, even right down to where in their bodies they experienced these feelings.

Attunement and empathy are crucial all through life, but most crucial with that early attachment. It even can affect brain development. Thing is, it can be changed. Not that you can ever undo that experience really, but you can create relationships, particularly in therapy to start with, that are safe and attuned. Then things are more possible outside of therapy.

My T says the same thing. That in therapy, my brain will be rewired, or something like that, because of my relationship with her.

Ugh. There's too much time between now and my next appointment. I want to talk about this stuff RIGHT NOW! I'm so impatient!

I have so much trouble with this myself. To the point where I almost didn't let a guy help me put my carry on suitcase in an overhead airline bin on a recent business trip. I caught myself and let him do it, but it bothered me the whole trip that I accepted help and I can never pay that person back. I "scorecard" favors in relationships too. I get it.

And what's crazy is that the good things I do for others never factor into the score because I enjoy helping others. Therefore, it doesn't "count". It's so twisted and messed up.

What is it like for you to reveal yourself here and to receive help from others here?

I get it, I help others , but it's very difficult to accept help or to ask, or even to admit that I need help.

T knows this, that's why she keeps rubbing in my face every session that I'm in therapy because I need help. I hate when she says that.

I grew up pretty self sufficient , not needing, not asking, learning by trial and error. I totally understand . You need to let yourself need her, without feeling any less of a person.

I need to follow this advise I'm giving you, lol and I will soon.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I guess it's easier here for two reasons. First, I'm anonymous. You don't know me and I don't know you. Although you may know these things about me, I can't see you or your reaction and I probably would never hear about it, nor would it affect me if you decided to hate me. Secondly, you can pass by this without saying anything and I would never know. I worry a lot that if I dont get much reply to a thread it's because I have posted too much recently and been too whiny and needy. So it does happen here, just in a way where you don't see it and I don't see you, if that makes sense.


I always feel horrible asking my T (or anyone) for anything. My T keeps saying that I never ask her for anything, and she's right. I don't ever ask. Partly because I don't know what to ask for that might help (that ties in with not knowing my needs), and partly because I feel terrible asking. I can't take half the advice I give here a lot of the time because although I know it would help, I just can't.

It does make sense.

It happens here, but with less intensity than in real life.

I am thinking that there is a choice: one can recognize that you are speaking here even in the face of these difficult emotions, and give you credit.

Or, one can focus on the fact that there is less intensity here than IRL, and minimize your accomplishment in speaking here.

What is your thinking about these options?

I wasn't really trying to minimize (I don't think...), more explain why I was able to ask for help here and not IRL. I am capable of asking here because it's easier and less intense. Whether I give myself credit for it or not wasn't my focus at the time. But TBH, it's hard for me to take credit for it. It's hard for me to think "Hey, I can do it here so maybe I can do it IRL." It doesn't transfer over very well, at least not in my head. And again, I think at least part of that is not knowing what exactly I need from people sometimes. I know I need something, but I have no idea what, and that makes it hard to ask, because not only do I need whatever it is I need, I need help figuring out what I need. And that's horribly embarrassing, on top of being really intimidating.

[QUOTE=Jaybird57;3967884]Actually that thinking isn't always that warped.....I had to be self-sufficient because I ended up married to a guy who wasn't capable of doing things so I had to do the things that he couldn't do.....& as far as any emotional closeness....he wasn't capable of that either..........the point being.....don't always think that the marriage or the relationship will give you what you think you need either.

It's much better to be self-reliant & then if a guy does come along that fills that need wonderful.....it's much better than being ditzy woman who doesn't have the ability to take care of herself.

Now that I finally left my H after 33 years & am finally getting a divorce.....I left & bought myself the farm I have always wanted....living there alone with my dogs....but I HAVE to take care of everything myself because I don't have the money to hire things done.....so it's UP TO ME......I it makes me feel good about myself that I am capable.....much better than being stuck with a guy who isn't capable of anything.

One never knows where life will take them....& it's much better to be prepared than not.

I have to admit, it would be nice to have someone to connect to emotionally ......but being comfortable not having someone is important that way it works no matter how things turn out.

And then sometimes, I know exactly what I need. And I can't ask because it makes me too vulnerable. Whether it's a hug after a difficult conversation with someone, some reassurance that I am okay in their eyes, or an explanation to help me understand a situation, I can't ask.