Suicide trigger. I didn't see the suicide post about posting the trigger icon. I'm sorrry.

-enter story here-
Everything is just too much.
I found out one of my friends died yesterday.
For the past two weeks, as night goes on, I'll start thinking about going to the hospital for being suicidal, impulse SI urges, SI urges, lots of reasons. But by the time I fall asleep and wake up, I convince myself that I'm fine and I don't need to go. And then they cycle repeats when night comes.

I feel like they're pointless because I always end up lyying myself out, even though last time I even told them I do that and I still did it. I don't want to, I just panic and immediately want out, so I'm like "Yeah! Those antipsychotics that I just started 12 hours ago are totally working with my hallucinations!" And they'll seriously believe me. -_-
Like there's no point in going. I could teach the therapies there. I could be a floor tech, a better floor tech that some of the techs at teh hospital I go to.

I feel so helpless and hopeless. My back is pinned against the wall and the only way out I can see is death.