At night, I really want to go to the hospittal, but I can't.

Suicide trigger. I didn't see the suicide post about posting the trigger icon. I'm sorrry.

-enter story here-
Everything is just too much.
I found out one of my friends died yesterday.
For the past two weeks, as night goes on, I'll start thinking about going to the hospital for being suicidal, impulse SI urges, SI urges, lots of reasons. But by the time I fall asleep and wake up, I convince myself that I'm fine and I don't need to go. And then they cycle repeats when night comes.

I feel like they're pointless because I always end up lyying myself out, even though last time I even told them I do that and I still did it. I don't want to, I just panic and immediately want out, so I'm like "Yeah! Those antipsychotics that I just started 12 hours ago are totally working with my hallucinations!" And they'll seriously believe me. -_-
Like there's no point in going. I could teach the therapies there. I could be a floor tech, a better floor tech that some of the techs at teh hospital I go to.

I feel so helpless and hopeless. My back is pinned against the wall and the only way out I can see is death.

Hello, A18793715. I struggle with strong inclinations to tell medical people what I think they want to hear or what I think will be convenient for them. You might consider putting what you really want to communicate in written form, or consider going to a different venue or resource - particularly if you find you can't say what is necessary in a certain, specific location.

Being frank with the professionals does not necessarily come easily...

I'm scared to go to a different hospital because I've never been. The one I always go to, I've been there 5 times now so it's familiar.

This pretty much describes my past few nights as well. Thinking of going in but then in the morning decide it can be handled.
Hope your nights get easier.

Thank you. Same to you.

I have had times I thought of doing the same, admitting myself to a hospital to treat the SI urges. Then I decide a little later that I'm okay and decide not to do it. Hang in there. Hope things get better.

my god, even though we have different dx - I have bipolar; i have totally the exp like yours.
night time is when the monster creeps in, but i back out of hosp as soon as my mum starts packing for it. Then I struggle like hell and wake up to struggle more, regretting backing out last night. this cycle repeats. there's no end...

I think this is not uncommon. Not only for SI/panic/terrible feelings; medical problem sometimes get the same go-round. Hey, that tooth will be OK ... or a while.
I wonder if there is someplace else to go. Because, sometimes, I know that my insides are just SCREAMING to go" "SOMEPLACE" where this will go away.
In the past, when able; I have found that swimming at night helps a great deal--in a lake under the stars, in the ocean... Or, even walking in a good storm, if one is available. Cities sometimes work----eye candy, a different rhythm.

Night is tough for me to. Many hugs to you.