"I had this really interesting, multi-part conversation with my mom. I told her that I had to know what she, and the rest of the family, thought about me, and whether being "mentally ill" changes that in their eyes, if it makes me a bad person, if it makes them want me out. Her response was no, of course not, but that is only her response. If the rest knew ???????? I wanna know if the diagnosis matters to them, whether or not they view one thing as better or worse than another?" quote MowtownJohnny

((Mowtown)), this is a very challenging part of the "healing process", it's been very hard for myself as well.

When it comes to family "dysfunction" that has resulted in a parent that was challenged like your father was, no one comes out of that "normal and healthy and balanced". Every family member develops their own "victim mentality" from something like that, everyone. You are trying to ask other individuals in your family to "care and help you" so you can have a sense of "self" that you have felt "lost somehow". However, these different individuals can only give you their own "victim mentality" which typically results in some kind of "disappointing invalidation" that is "not your fault". As I mentioned, this has been very "hard" for me too. This is also something that I have seen in other challenged members too.

When you asked your mother that question what you did not see about her is that she did not really "know" how to be a "mother" or even fight back to protect herself. You, as the child had to step in and "try" to be the adult. "YOU" were the one she called when things got bad for her remember? None of your siblings "protected her" did they? No, instead they "enabled your father" right? You have "taken care of your mother", because no one else was capable of doing that. What would have it been like for your mother had you not been there, then or now?

You need to give yourself some credit for being the child that stepped up to the plate and did your best to protect your mother. A child should not have to experience that, sadly too many children "do" though. Truth is, you were the only "real man" in that family. How would your mother do if you gave up on life Mowtown? Your mother did not know how to "not be a victim" in her marriage, and at her age the messages she got were certainly not in any way "helpful". Your mother did not have the kind of "help" that is available to women now Mowtown, there were no resources there for her when she had to deal with your father's unpredictable dysfunctional behaviors.

Your mother does "love you" Mowtown, however, she doesn't know "how" to validate you the way you want her to.

In the "now" while you are healing and learning, yes, you get angry and can see what you needed that you did not get. However, what you need to realize is that what you needed and "deserved" was just not there like it is "now". Yet, you were the only child that was "brave" enough to stand up in your family even though you really did not have the help at the time. You really need to see yourself in a different light Mowtown, you were a "good child and good man" all along. You experienced a "stress breakdown" Mowtown, that never means you are a "criminal" or "a bad person" at all.

Yesterday you were remembering that, but you were having a "flashback" Mowtown. That doesn't mean you have not made any gains in your healing, and it doesn't mean you have bipolar or something else wrong or even that you are in any way unworthy either. I have these challenges myself, but I have them because I still have times where I still struggle with being "angry or am in disbelief" that I did have a "stress breakdown". I did not get the right "help" either, I also felt like some kind of "criminal" too. I "was" treated like I was a criminal to be honest.

Mowtown, can I ask you a question? Do you think I should feel bad that I broke down, am I a criminal or a bad person because I broke? Should I just throw in my hat and give up, because I do have times where I have these thoughts? Am I missing something too, am I a pathetic person too?

I don't see you as any kind of "failure" Mowtown, I really don't. I see a really "good" man that was the "only" one in his family to try to fight back and really "help" his mother and still takes care of her so she can live her last years in a peaceful way with a person in her life that "loves and cares about her". You have been "her best friend" Mowtown. Your siblings were and are "not" her best friends, they were "selfish" and from what you have described, still are. However, they are also expressing behavior patterns of growing up in dysfunction too. So, you are dealing with individuals that are not "capable" of validating you the way you deserve. But, never, should that mean you have in any way failed as a person Mowtown.

It's hard to see all that when struggling with PTSD, because, "it hurts", yeah me too. But, you have to be patient with that "hurt", and I know that is hard, me too. I try to embrace thinking about the way I am challenged as some kind of break through instead of a breakdown. But, I definitely have some bad days where I get tired and even "afraid". However, there is a part of me that realizes that my goal to doing better is getting to a point where I can finally settle into myself and don't have to "prove" anything to anyone else. I think I would have been able to do that earlier had I not been stuck in a lawsuit where I am trying to "prove" what I witnessed and lost that has profoundly affected me, even resulting in this damn PTSD.

All I know is that when I see you, I see a nice man who deserves to heal and is trying very hard and gets impatient, which is a normal part of the healing process.

((Hugs))
OE