I talk too much, because I don't care what people say.
I stay quiet when people are ignorant and stupid about things in the world or talking down to others like dogs. I talk a lot, because I want to hear a voice so I'm not so lonely. I talk a lot, not because I'm annoying it's because I want someone to notice me and want to be around me. I talk a lot, because I can. I talk a lot because I have a functioning voice a struggle.
I talk a lot regardless how others feel, just to have a sense of here and now.
I talk a lot, to my family and friends just to make sure they haven't left or forgotten me.
I talk a lot, because I know when my mom dies, my only friend left. I'll shut up forever.
I talk a lot because I crave attention and enjoy being told. I talk a lot, because I had imaginary friends. I talk a lot because I like to make myself laugh and be my own best friend.
I talk a lot, so when I die. I'm not so alone. I talk a lot, because I miss hearing someone else's voice. I talk a lot, because I just want to feel safe and alive. I talk a lot without rhyme or reason people don't understand me.
I talk a lot regardless if it helps or hurt my relationships. It's nice talking to someone.
Lastly I talk a lot, just so I won't forget the memory and the person. I'm with, I just don't want you to leave me forever. Die, disappear from my memory, or not exist in the first place, I want to be happy with a friend who talks to me and is there for me. I talk to myself just make that happen to have a friend who really never existed or is there, but to pretend what that person be like if he or she is with me now.

I am depressed, because I don't have this person. People say I'm annoying, no one wants you, go kill yourself, you don't deserve a gift of living because I don't appreciate nothing. It's sad, because ironically they find every reason to tell others how worthless they are and all I want to talk about how awesome they are in my eyes. People only care about hurting others and not helping themselves. I choose to help myself, because I don't want to be like everyone else. I'm different, and I'm happy I'm in my own world never understanding anything dissociated with my own hallucinations.
I beg to find my soul mate out of thin air to just appear who knows me more than I do. Who lives for me talking and lives for me being here and existing and being happy she is around and is my family and best friend.

I know after my mom dies, that emotional connection of having it will forever be gone. I'll be truly alone no lantern, no candles, no light to keep me going. I'll be in the dark of ignorance of bliss people who self destruct there selves while I try to find the exit door of existing.
I don't want to see anymore, I don't want to grow up, and the only hope I have is being in love if it is real. Not fairy tales, white weddings, picket fences, and 3 children. I mean living, being alive, and gently seeing that person is comfortable with you as you are with them seeing simple things happen everyday. Feeling like they'll never leave. That's all I want, I need it. After my mom dies, and it doesn't happen. I only want to die, because facing a scary world without my mom seeing me get married or have kids or even have grand kids hurts so much.

I wish she knew how much I love her, and how much she should stop killing herself. I talk a lot to cope this pain. That when my mom dies, no one will call me in the morning to wake me up no one will tell me have a nice day or ask me how I'm doing. No more funny jokes and no more driving around eating at restaurants. It's like what I knew is gone. I lost my first mother, my grandma, and now my mom scares me. If she goes now, I'll never fall in love. I would break under the cave of pressure of the hell 20 years has brought me. Being beaten and raped by many men, falling in and out of love, questioning my sexuality and gender, having my child taken away from me, feeling like the poor boy that grew up as an old man will never leave, that childhood that peace that will never come over the horizon no matter how hard I put faith it will come someday, the fact people pass you by without asking you how your day was. The feeling when you want to feel free, but existence is your prison sentence. Love is fill with so much hate and people wanting to make the world a better place are so little, so I try to pretend more people care. I don't mind if a woman or man hits me, I'll take it expecting I'm noble to die young and take the pain I received from my coma last year. My encephalitis and now my movement disorder of stiff man syndrome, and the bills that would not be paid. The debt my parents would have be destroying my life entirely then.

I talk to much, because I want to be in love, be in the moment, knowing even if my mom dies. She picked a good friend who would take on her legacy for her to keep an eye on me and make sure I'm ok.

This is why I won't fall in love, I'll grieve too much...