I talk too much.

I talk too much, because I don't care what people say.
I stay quiet when people are ignorant and stupid about things in the world or talking down to others like dogs. I talk a lot, because I want to hear a voice so I'm not so lonely. I talk a lot, not because I'm annoying it's because I want someone to notice me and want to be around me. I talk a lot, because I can. I talk a lot because I have a functioning voice a struggle.
I talk a lot regardless how others feel, just to have a sense of here and now.
I talk a lot, to my family and friends just to make sure they haven't left or forgotten me.
I talk a lot, because I know when my mom dies, my only friend left. I'll shut up forever.
I talk a lot because I crave attention and enjoy being told. I talk a lot, because I had imaginary friends. I talk a lot because I like to make myself laugh and be my own best friend.
I talk a lot, so when I die. I'm not so alone. I talk a lot, because I miss hearing someone else's voice. I talk a lot, because I just want to feel safe and alive. I talk a lot without rhyme or reason people don't understand me.
I talk a lot regardless if it helps or hurt my relationships. It's nice talking to someone.
Lastly I talk a lot, just so I won't forget the memory and the person. I'm with, I just don't want you to leave me forever. Die, disappear from my memory, or not exist in the first place, I want to be happy with a friend who talks to me and is there for me. I talk to myself just make that happen to have a friend who really never existed or is there, but to pretend what that person be like if he or she is with me now.

I am depressed, because I don't have this person. People say I'm annoying, no one wants you, go kill yourself, you don't deserve a gift of living because I don't appreciate nothing. It's sad, because ironically they find every reason to tell others how worthless they are and all I want to talk about how awesome they are in my eyes. People only care about hurting others and not helping themselves. I choose to help myself, because I don't want to be like everyone else. I'm different, and I'm happy I'm in my own world never understanding anything dissociated with my own hallucinations.
I beg to find my soul mate out of thin air to just appear who knows me more than I do. Who lives for me talking and lives for me being here and existing and being happy she is around and is my family and best friend.

I know after my mom dies, that emotional connection of having it will forever be gone. I'll be truly alone no lantern, no candles, no light to keep me going. I'll be in the dark of ignorance of bliss people who self destruct there selves while I try to find the exit door of existing.
I don't want to see anymore, I don't want to grow up, and the only hope I have is being in love if it is real. Not fairy tales, white weddings, picket fences, and 3 children. I mean living, being alive, and gently seeing that person is comfortable with you as you are with them seeing simple things happen everyday. Feeling like they'll never leave. That's all I want, I need it. After my mom dies, and it doesn't happen. I only want to die, because facing a scary world without my mom seeing me get married or have kids or even have grand kids hurts so much.

I wish she knew how much I love her, and how much she should stop killing herself. I talk a lot to cope this pain. That when my mom dies, no one will call me in the morning to wake me up no one will tell me have a nice day or ask me how I'm doing. No more funny jokes and no more driving around eating at restaurants. It's like what I knew is gone. I lost my first mother, my grandma, and now my mom scares me. If she goes now, I'll never fall in love. I would break under the cave of pressure of the hell 20 years has brought me. Being beaten and raped by many men, falling in and out of love, questioning my sexuality and gender, having my child taken away from me, feeling like the poor boy that grew up as an old man will never leave, that childhood that peace that will never come over the horizon no matter how hard I put faith it will come someday, the fact people pass you by without asking you how your day was. The feeling when you want to feel free, but existence is your prison sentence. Love is fill with so much hate and people wanting to make the world a better place are so little, so I try to pretend more people care. I don't mind if a woman or man hits me, I'll take it expecting I'm noble to die young and take the pain I received from my coma last year. My encephalitis and now my movement disorder of stiff man syndrome, and the bills that would not be paid. The debt my parents would have be destroying my life entirely then.

I talk to much, because I want to be in love, be in the moment, knowing even if my mom dies. She picked a good friend who would take on her legacy for her to keep an eye on me and make sure I'm ok.

This is why I won't fall in love, I'll grieve too much...

Thanks for your moving post. I seldom say anything so perhaps we cancel each other out!? Seriously though you have clearly suffered more than I can possibly comprehend, and do hope you can find a source of resilience.

I am reminded of an old Chinese proverb which says: "We were given two ears and one mouth so that we may LISTEN twice as much as we speak."

Those old Chinamen were very wise.

Record audio files with your mom's talking so that you can play them again and again after she dies?

Record audio files with your own talking so that when your child, who was taken away from you, grows up and becomes curious about his parents, you would have those audio files to show that you were thinking of the child. Just some words or, if you can sing, lullabies - something.

I'm much wiser than what all the adults try to give me credit for. I wanted my wisdom for good and help others of what I know. The wiser option is shutting up and not telling them and let them figure it out and wait it out.

So far it's helped keep me sane. It's wiser not to tell an ignorant man or woman what's not working. I learned very very early on, people don't understand ignorance. They really don't know that they don't know, they put out all this crap and try to show arrogance behind it and the fact people admire people like that in my generation. It's sickening, I don't find any attraction to it. I find intelligence gratitude and just someone who cares. I don't trust people, I am a very old soul.

I am traumatized, the fact knowing what lies ahead what it feels like to die. Almost feeling it again, 3 times in my life.

I highly doubt someone comes to me, like the way I'd love them to do, because I always meet angry hateful people. Who only care about pushing everyone away. My friends value me and I have lots of quality friendships more than most people in the world, because I don't drop people only if they want me gone or push me away.

I don't date, because it's like inviting someone to be uber god I control your life, it's not loving or fun. It's insane and imprisoning.

I made this to describe mentally people see I'm ok on the outside, deep down, I feel like I'm starving all the time, homeless and trapped imprisoned like in a concentration camp of life. Where everyone is suffering equally in their own situations, but instead of helping people go crazy and hurt each other.

I've been very desensitized I have friends who are in my position, but let their madness control them and take it out on others. My best friend told me, he was going to rape his ex. He described feelings and difficult times I've lived through before as well, but I chose to overcome that.

I chose to not die, not hurt others, let others hurt me, not because I'm weak, just to show their ways are not helping them or anyone else.

I learned this at 8 years old, when I was beaten by 15 people and thrown over a fence to be shot by a man who was drunk at school. In a town in the middle of nowhere, I didn't hate these people like I said, I felt terrible, because they were feds lies about me through the faculty and their parents from my neighbors covering up my first best friends who raped me and beat me a lot.

I had to be humble and choose to act a certain way, because I wanted to show people I'm living life fuller because I chose not to care about the civilities the silly things people worry about day to day. I learned that you can't live like that, you can't you'll be old and miserable or die young.

I am an old soul, because everyone will die, but it's how you want to live your life means everything. I chose to show people this in a very real sense in me being alive. I shown people this is what happens when you hurt people, the consequence is my existence the emotions the pain I deal with. The ignorance people have, I find it more deadly and mentally incapacitating that parents hide their children or teens from this or people like this. I met people like this, so I don't tell them much only things relevant to them. I won't tell them my life, because they don't need to know, but then again. I wish they did know how the world really is.

Since I was a boy I didn't had the rough dark side of the scary part of the world parents warn their children about. I wasn't just exposed a bit and I survived. I rode the wave and conquered it and throwing it back in people's faces that they need to know to be mindful of themselves or else you'll have more suicides more people like me.

The society we have the parents who hide their children from the world turn into nasty people. Morally they may not be bad people, but deep down they don't know what they are doing so they will push themselves on others and their ideals on others that are far from the truth. I can see in the near future what is happening now will get worse. I lived to keep people grounded or else everyone is lost mentally and the insanity of eradicating the different, the true weird people in the crowd of millions who say their "weird" too, but weird isn't unique, unique is rare, because unique is now the cultural norm and the children like me who have suffered a lot and are unique pleasant or not. If I'm not their unique I'm not good enough to live or be alive or have friends.

If you don't see this, you haven't lived long enough to see what "good" people can really do in terms of really horrible inhumane things.

I think we should care how others feel. We're all sharing this one planet and no one asked to be born.

I do, and I get screwed over. All the time, I don't give people the benefit of the doubt as lenient anymore. I'm really hard on people, because I don't know what else to do. One minute, I'm getting beaten down for not being this or that. The next minute I'm doing it too well, so I quit caring.

People always want it to be about them, I don't care if it's about me or not. I'm tired being treated like crap from people who can't make self responsibility happen.

It's hard to have the patience to put up with someone, who most likely will leave you. 9/10 times, what keeps me motivated the 1% but even when they show up you realize you didn't get what you wanted, but too content of what you do have. So you continue to be hating yourself.

I freaking have pain in my chest all the time, and panic attacks screaming inside,

"don't hurt me, don't try to be my friend try to half be in my life at your leisure, I'm not a rec center. Girls are the biggest culprit for this with me, it's being a guy that ruins it."

I shouldn't have to try hard for **** for a girl, I really shouldn't, I am avoiding people. I hope to become asexual, so I can continue to push them away. Very very far away. I'm in a very bad mood, more angry.

It hurts so much, no matter if I talk to them or avoid them. It doesn't matter if they want to be around me or not, I don't want them near me, because I'm not who I want to be you won't be my friend, I'm different from all the ignorant guys who you can have your will for. I don't like you, because you value stupidity as intelligence and sexy. I find you very sickly and daft minded, it makes me want to throw up trying to punch myself in the face and stomach to burn those "butterflys" I dreadfully have.

Love makes me sick, literally. I have thrown up from it, I have been beaten up emotionally. I'm like, done so done. I keep reminding myself when I have feelings and when I'm hurting from having feelings, I just ignore it. I either scream it out, and trying self harm by beating myself till I'm bruised badly or having a major migraine, because I can't stand having feelings.

That vulnerability is all I have left, I don't anyone in my life to take it. No one has or will ever take my breath away and if they did, they were never interested in me to begin with or want to be my friend. It's the idea how this works is why I find it foolish and stupid and a waste of time that only people who have the looks and other silly superficiality they'll get far.

I had someone at work, really get on my nerves, even if he was joking.. it was an awful conversation I was just replying and ignoring. He was so stupid, " He's like get with any girls, I just got a girlfriend wanna see?" I said, sure on what he wanted to show me, I said, "cool" I didn't reply on the get any girls, except, "no" he then said, what gets on my nerves, "well you didn't have a good night, I get p..... all the time from my girlfriend." I'm still pissed off from before, I say, "great." unimpressed, he kept believing that getting laid means your manly and people like you if you do that.

It got on my nerves, because it was ignorant and how he was pushing himself on me. I don't know why girls like that, being pushed around like that. Girls get put off, I know because I don't want them to talk to me, but I wasn't like this before. I wasn't shy nor over doing it, I just put them off, because I talk to much on accident when they don't say anything, I don't care if they do. I'm used to talking to nobody and myself all the time to cope on my loneliness in public or at home.

He also said, this what really got me so annoyed after I said, "I don't have to date girls to get laid." He said the dumbest thing in the world, I knew he was messing with me, because no one could be that so stupid to believe that, "well that's because you have no respect for women." I then challenged him in a sarcastic tone, "so what you're saying is, I have to go up to a random girl and be her friend for so much BS I have to go through be her friend then bf shortly. Then get laid?" he then said, "yeah thats about right."

I'm like wtf, I mean he isn't a bad dude, but damn. I have more respect than he would, because I don't go around breaking girls hearts, trying to push them in my life as their boyfriend to have all the sex I want then move on. That **** happened to me, I don't do that to other people.

If I want to have sex with someone, I'm going to have sex with someone period. If it's consensual.

I really got so pissed, deep down, because I know even if I do that. I have no hope, people my age believe honesty will get you screwed so everyone lies to each other even me all the time. I call them out, mostly girls, which most I don't blame them on their reason and other people, I can't excuse it. It's the same reasons universally for guys and girls, they both lie to get something they want without getting screwed over or hurting someones feelings.

Then they get all stupid, and turn into a ****. It happens all the time, I don't give people a benefit of the doubt, because most people don't ever deserve mercy or grace from me. I'm going to drop them as a friend, girlfriend who cares really quick. I won't talk to them and push them very far away. It doesn't help me overall, because I give up on relationships now, because they are never worth the effort being put in. It will drive you mad and make you want to kill yourself, because you aren't emotionally satisfied you just bringing people in to try and kill off what ever is left in your identity.

Seriously I can't stress enough, it may not be like that for you, but I'm saying this from my experience for me. It doesn't have to apply to you.

Like now, I've been having a cold chill pain in my chest and back from this stress migraines, because I'm suppressing and holding back the grief, just to prepare the next journey of hell I have to walk across. I'm sick of being treated as I'm not worth feeling anything or being a person. I feel like a dog, I don't feel like a human. So I'm fed up. I'm beyond...beyond fed up.

If you really think I should care, I don't. It's so I feel better that I helped someone, not that I really care about them. This is how this ugly world turned me too, in it's exposure of ground zero. I really on care, on rare occasions when I feel validated and feel like a person and my needs are met with strangers. I mean someone would say something really nice to me, and I would be very happy on what they said legitimately and not force the conversation to end quickly with superficial crap that all people miss when I talk to them.

I'll never meet a girl, who is on my sexual kink level with the type of friendship I've always wanted. That close connection with music, the skill, the appreciation of life around them and the happiness that can omit from their self like I can. I never met one girl who really isn't overly insecure or too stuck up in their own *** everyone has to kiss it just to be her friend. I never met a girl who truly respects herself and others. Just only one or the other. I never met out of all the people I've met a girl, who really does understand me when they say they do which that's an obvious one. Of course no one can be like another person. So I settle on the good and bad I like. I've not met a girl, who wanted to come to see me unless we dated like over 6 months after playing games from her end that got me stressed.

I never met a girl who is professional business wise nor street smart more street ignorant with some smarts like everyone else. I never met a girl who is fun to be around and likes to play pranks on me, and knows it's funny even if it might piss me off. I never had a girl look at me like a boyfriend or even just a friend, just a toy to being used. I never met a girl, who is good at sex, but brags she is. I never met a girl who is blunt and honest with me first thing and makes games intentionally to frustrate me instead. I never met a girl, who I felt comfortable around. I never been around any girl who stayed or put up with me as a person.

I feel like a problem, I do what I can to fix, but even if I hold it together keep it positive and be myself. I'm always 2nd to last. No matter how many achievements, no matter how many things that put me out, I'm not good enough to them. So I only have myself to be good to myself, because I have nothing to share and no one is worthy to share, based on how I'm being treated by people.

I dread of my friend trying to hook me up. I'm like really really terrified I'm going to get a girl whose going to try to murder me. The last girl could of. I don't trust, beauty in all forms. I stand up for the lies it wrought and spill its guts on the floor to expose people to make sure they don't belong in my life.

I am so sorry for all of the pain you're feeling.

I hear so much hatred in your words both for others and yourself. I can understand it given what you have dealt with so far.

Trust me when I tell you that there ARE good people out there. Wonderful people.

I keep hearing that for so many years. The only hope I have is what I want actually exists, but so far not much hope on my side. I apparently got plenty of time, but how things are. I'm in a tight spot for many more years so I don't know.