I had my fifth ECT treatment today. The doctor told me if I don't feel better by Monday she's going to switch me to bilateral treatments. I feel so beaten down. The last time I had to have bilateral treatment as well so I know it's probably going to be the only thing that helps but bilateral treatments are super harsh on me. I lost a LOT of memory last time. I forgot how to get places I'd been going to for years. I forgot people's names, people I had known for awhile. I lost the ability to form new memories and as a consequence forgot the first six months of my relationship with my husband. I also forgot anyone I met in that time period unless they became a regular part of my life. I'm consistently embarrassed because I'll run into people I'm supposed to know and I don't recognize them but they recognize me.

I don't know why things can't be easier. I now have to choose between my Memory or finally beating this depression. And what if even the bilateral treatments don't work? Then what? I mean there's no reason it shouldn't work. It worked wonderfully last time. But I still have that what if floating around my head.

I don't know why I have to be so treatment resistant. I don't know if I can take another fifty to sixty years of this.