Dammit

I had my fifth ECT treatment today. The doctor told me if I don't feel better by Monday she's going to switch me to bilateral treatments. I feel so beaten down. The last time I had to have bilateral treatment as well so I know it's probably going to be the only thing that helps but bilateral treatments are super harsh on me. I lost a LOT of memory last time. I forgot how to get places I'd been going to for years. I forgot people's names, people I had known for awhile. I lost the ability to form new memories and as a consequence forgot the first six months of my relationship with my husband. I also forgot anyone I met in that time period unless they became a regular part of my life. I'm consistently embarrassed because I'll run into people I'm supposed to know and I don't recognize them but they recognize me.

I don't know why things can't be easier. I now have to choose between my Memory or finally beating this depression. And what if even the bilateral treatments don't work? Then what? I mean there's no reason it shouldn't work. It worked wonderfully last time. But I still have that what if floating around my head.

I don't know why I have to be so treatment resistant. I don't know if I can take another fifty to sixty years of this.

I am so sorry that your are having such a horrible time getting on some stable ground. You damn sure deserve a freaking break.

Have you gotten a second or third opinion?

your a nice person....sorry about all this

I'm hoping you feel tons better by Monday.

Hugs Wildflower, your having a terrible time of it at the moment and I'm sorry to hear that. Its horrible when a traetment doesnt give us the results we were hoping for, but its early days by the sounds of it......Who knows, things might be different by Monday- I hope so.

In the meantime you have a few days to spend with your loved ones. If at all possible try to live for the hear and now, let the future be whatever it is, deal with it then. I'm hoping by the time I am an old man they will have cures for many of the mental illness that plague the misfortune who suffer from them.

Hang in there.

Hugs

Wow sorry for all the mental anguish you are going through. I'll be thinking of ya.

Thinking of you and hoping things are better by Monday

Thanks for your encouragement everyone. I still feel terrible today. Lots of urges to hurt myself even after 12 days inpatient. I'm losing hope that it will ever get better. Not looking forward to the confusion and memory loss that will soon be part of my life. But what else can I do? I can't live like this And I can't kill myself so I guess it's on to bilaterAl treatments.

I hope this works.

Is there a chance that some of what you're feeling is caused by the idea of having bilateral treatments and the memory loss that comes from it? I know for myself, I feel worse when I anticipate a bad outcome based on previous experience. I guess I'm just hoping for your sake that you will be in a better frame of mind on Monday.

Is there anyway you can stop the ECT treatments and just take some Prozac or something???

^ I think she would have done that already before considering ECT. Sometimes ECT is the only thing that works

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I've tried many medications and none have worked. ECT is the only thing that saved me eight years ago so I'm hoping it will save me again. I'm not happy about the memory loss but I'm willing to risk it because I simply have nothing else.

Today will be my first bilateral treatment. I'm just hoping I don't get too confused.

Really sorry you're struggling so much.

I hope soon you get to better.