I feel very depressed. All the things you think of in depression, the loss of interest, the not being able to see any future, well I can feel them all. I feel as if my cloak of magical make believe has been taken away. That the rosy coloured tinted glasses I viewed relationships with have been taken away. the reality of seeing myself as a grown adult that is at the end of the day alone, is right there in front of me. The feeling of vunrablity to lifes pains is right there in front of me, the powerless of the human condtion is there right in front of me.

Feelings that were unavalible to me before are now there right in front of me. The reality of the pains from so long ago are right there in front of me.

I feel a sense of great loss and saddness. I journalled asking why I am not holding onto the normally sweet soothing thoughts of T and therapy? Its because I know exactly what they are now and what they are not and what responsibilty I have in realtion to this now.

Its like being a child and being the centre of attention and being given tremendous encouragement for everything you do to all of a sudden being a grown up in a grown up world and knowing you are no more special or deserving then the next person. That there is no "right" to take, no right to anything that isn't rightfully yours. Its about knowing that my responsiblity is about growing up and learning that others have needs too. That people are not sitting around waiting to make my life ok.

That people will give what they can and no more and why should they. Its about knowing now that I am solely responsible for my wellbeing, my inner world. I can sit and cry "woe is me" for ever, but that doesnt take away the reality of what being a grown up is all about. Its time to take responsiblity for my own mental wellness. Its not an excuse any longer. I am no more a victim then the next person. A victim is a way of thinking. Everybody has moments when they would love to taken care of.

Its about building ones inner strenght. Having the courage to carry the load, gracefully. I know now what is meant when they say the "real" theraputic relationship. I know I entered therapy with a childs mind but everything T has offered has been real, the growing has been real the insights, the support, and the gradual meeting of two adult minds both having that unspoken acknowledging of what is really going on and what is real and what is fantasy.

Its time to grow up.